Single at 35

emma90 said:

The house and financial stability is what scares me at the moment. We are both being rational about this side of it and we'll continue living together for the next couple of months while we talk to a mortgage advisor and solicitor. He knows I would love to keep the house and he just wants his half of the equity which is fair

I had a similar situation in my late 20s - but it was negative equity that prevented us from separating. The house lost around 30% of its value within a year, such was our bad timing of the market.

In the end the house appreciate to be worth the same value we paid so I was able to transfer the entire mortgage to my partner and she got to keep the contents and car and I was able to leave with my clothes. 

I started over, improved my work opportunities and within 3 years was making 6 times my old salary because I was willing to work overseas for a bank - and I ended up with 2 houses, cars etc and no debt.

It takes courage to make the leap but if you are willing and able then it is possible to improve your situation.

This will all depend on your willingness and capacity to take on new challenges - I ended up moving to London and taking a high stress job but the rewards were big. It took its toll on me after time but I rebuilt my finances fast and it set me up for the future.

Sometimes it takes a strong nudge like this to encourage us to take things up a notch and achieve more than we thought we could.

I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

I've masked my whole life intentionally and unintentionally at times. I'm not sure who I know who the real me is anymore.

The house and financial stability is what scares me at the moment. We are both being rational about this side of it and we'll continue living together for the next couple of months while we talk to a mortgage advisor and solicitor. He knows I would love to keep the house and he just wants his half of the equity which is fair, I just don't know yet how or if we can manage to both get what we want.

emma90 said:

I have a million thoughts in my head.

I find a great way to cope with these is to find a way to capture them on paper so I can define the issues / questions / tasks / problems and then use rational thinking to define them.

By taking these phantasms that are scaring me and making them material, knowing their size / scope / potential I am able to work out how I can respond to them and this helps steal their power to scare me.

I use a process called mind mapping, but you can do a simpler version by just getting a few big sheets of paper and a pack of post-its, write each subject on a post it and stick onto the big sheet and soon you will see different categories so you can group them, notice there are other subjects that should be in there so you write these down too and in no time you have all the scary thoughts in one place.

Now you know the whole lot you can start to think of how to respond to them, starting one at a time and see where other ones will be helped or hindered by each response. It takes a few days typically of many re-visits (maybe half an hour at a time so it isn't overwhelming) to work though them all and pretty soon you can start to see some ways out.

This should work for practical issues - emotional ones are helped by the process but the solutions are not so easy.

Maybe you need to sell the house whether your partner wants to or not, or maybe he buys out your part - you may need to get independent financial advice.

I would suggest getting someone you trust to look over the issues with you and get a fresh pair of eyes on the matter as there are often solutions you may not have thought of.

In the end you can see all the possible routes forward an know what each one involves to a degree so you can choose the one you want. It needs to be practical and realistic which is why I suggested a 3rd party to review with you.

Now that you have agency over your future again then it becomes easier to cope with change because it is change you chose - you are back in control and this makes your brain more likely to accept these changes.

emma90 said:

He said we should break up because we have no romance left. He questioned whether I'm asexual. He feels like when I kiss him it's just because I have to. We're not intimate in any way.

And he isn't wrong. I do all those things because that's what normal people do.

It was going to come out at some point so it is best in my opinion to face the fact you are not aligned in your needs so you should think what sort of future is ahead of you - friendship or separation. By talking it over and agreeing what you really want you can build whatever future you need based on honesty which is much more likely to last.

Don't mask and try to be like "normal people" - your partner needs to see the real you if they are to love you as you deserve. It sounds like you are not the sort of partner they want so you can agree together whether you can find a way to accommodate his needs - perhaps an open relationship, allowing other forms of intimacy with others or some other combination could be an option. You won't know until you talk.

It is a lot to think about but these are my thoughts, but remember I am just some random person off the internet so don't consider anything I say seriously without thinking it through and researching it first.

Good luck

Unfortunately there's no room at my familys plus I have the cat at home to look after. We both rely on each other for financial stability so we have a lot to talk about once I'm able to focus. He's away for tonight but home again tomorrow..

Appreciate your comment - that quote definitely resonates!

I told my family yesterday and that helped me process it a bit more, saying it out loud. He's gone away for the night though and I'm struggling with the being alone... I went from living at home with parents and sharing a room with my sister until I met him and then we lived together and shared a room so I've never actually slept alone. The night is very quiet but overwhelming

I'm hoping my body will kick in soon and tell me that I need to eat because my appetite is non existent and I know that'll be making me feel worse.

I know in time I will be okay again... but it's only been 48 hours and that's felt like a lifetime already...

When I broke up I felt similar. I remember this abridged paragraph by John Bowlby, who researched Attachment and Loss (this is about children, but I felt it myself):

(...) The way he behaves follows a typical sequence. At first he protests vigorously and tries by all the means available to him to recover his mother. Later he seems to despair of recovering her but nonetheless remains preoccupied with her and vigilant for her return. Later still he seems to lose his interest in his mother and to become emotionally detached from her.

That is easier said than experienced. But don't forget that you deserve love, and you will find someone, just acknowledge that it will take time.

Here are some practical suggestions:

• Give yourself time and space to grieve. But remember that you are capable, and you are worthy of love. Just the goals didn't align.
• Write down the "tasks for each day" in a list; such as meals, payments, cleaning. Also a list of monthly expenses. Maybe once a week someone can help cleaning. Doing therapy may also be beneficial.
• If you struggle financially, there are several money advice agencies. I don't want to overwhelm you, so I just link NAS - Money Advice.
• If you find eating on your own too depressing at first, it may be worth doing it in a quiet restaurant, or in nature.
• Doing therapy may also be beneficial.

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Those things should help at first, later on (or early as well) you may join autism events whenever you feel like it: from The Spectrum Magazine, to some local autism group. It may be a place to find someone, or make friends.

There are also threads here (in this forum) of people searching for friends.

Eventually, as hard and painful as it may seem now, you will get through, and feel better again.

Hi Emma, 

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a situation,  difficult and painful. I feel for you while reading your post. I'm sorry I can't advise anything. Maybe it would be better for you if you could take off and move fir some ti.e to your family or spend more time with someone you are close with.

Hi emma90,

Thank you for reaching out to the online community.

I am really sorry to hear that you and your partner have broken up.  This must be very upsetting and unsettling for you.

I am sure our community users will be able to offer you some much needed advice and support.

In the meantime, here are come resources that may be helpful to you:

Loneliness this webpage offers advice on engaging with others after break ups.

Talking with someone about how you feel may be useful.  If you’re struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

I hope this information is useful to you and that you feel more like yourself again soon.

Take Care

Suzanne Mod