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Single at 35

emma90

My partner of 13 years just broke up with me... I'm 35 now and have built my life with him. We bought a house 8 years ago and still have 22 years on the mortgage for that. I dont know how I'll afford to live on my own. We have a cat. We're family... he's my best friend... probably my only real friend. 

He said we should break up because we have no romance left. He questioned whether I'm asexual. He feels like when I kiss him it's just because I have to. We're not intimate in any way.

And he isn't wrong. I do all those things because that's what normal people do. He knows me better than anyone and I think I'm more upset because he's seen through my facade and shattered the last bit of masking I'm doing. I was happy in our companionship because that's all I want from someone... but he wants more and it isn't fair for him to stay with me... but he can move on and have all those relationship things with someone else.. but how can I move on from my one friend? My home? 

I think I'm most upset because now my whole life has to change but I can't even cope when I have to dinner slightly later than I'd like... 

I don't know how to tell my family and friends. I don't know how I'll be at work tomorrow but I have so much on at work I can't not go in.

I have a million thoughts in my head.... I've adapted my whole personality and lifestyle to fit for 'us' but haven't done that well enough and now I don't know who I am.

And now we're sat together on the sofa watching tv and making awkward jokes and conversation and that's not normal... but I feel the most like me with him... I think, but then a small part of my brain thinks 'well youll have so much more time for reading and puzzles and doing things that you like now'... but I'll also have to eat alone and won't have anyone to talk to in the evenings and fall asleep with.

I feel so sad and so tired and it isn't really even real yet because no one else knows and we're just watching tv together....

I'm so confused and frightened.

Parents

  • When I broke up I felt similar. I remember this abridged paragraph by John Bowlby, who researched Attachment and Loss (this is about children, but I felt it myself):

    (...) The way he behaves follows a typical sequence. At first he protests vigorously and tries by all the means available to him to recover his mother. Later he seems to despair of recovering her but nonetheless remains preoccupied with her and vigilant for her return. Later still he seems to lose his interest in his mother and to become emotionally detached from her.

    That is easier said than experienced. But don't forget that you deserve love, and you will find someone, just acknowledge that it will take time.

    Here are some practical suggestions:

    • Give yourself time and space to grieve. But remember that you are capable, and you are worthy of love. Just the goals didn't align.
    • Write down the "tasks for each day" in a list; such as meals, payments, cleaning. Also a list of monthly expenses. Maybe once a week someone can help cleaning. Doing therapy may also be beneficial.
    • If you struggle financially, there are several money advice agencies. I don't want to overwhelm you, so I just link NAS - Money Advice.
    • If you find eating on your own too depressing at first, it may be worth doing it in a quiet restaurant, or in nature.
    • Doing therapy may also be beneficial.

    -------------------------

    Those things should help at first, later on (or early as well) you may join autism events whenever you feel like it: from The Spectrum Magazine, to some local autism group. It may be a place to find someone, or make friends.

    There are also threads here (in this forum) of people searching for friends.

    Eventually, as hard and painful as it may seem now, you will get through, and feel better again.

  • in reply to emanningis

    Appreciate your comment - that quote definitely resonates!

    I told my family yesterday and that helped me process it a bit more, saying it out loud. He's gone away for the night though and I'm struggling with the being alone... I went from living at home with parents and sharing a room with my sister until I met him and then we lived together and shared a room so I've never actually slept alone. The night is very quiet but overwhelming

    I'm hoping my body will kick in soon and tell me that I need to eat because my appetite is non existent and I know that'll be making me feel worse.

    I know in time I will be okay again... but it's only been 48 hours and that's felt like a lifetime already...

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  • in reply to emanningis

    Appreciate your comment - that quote definitely resonates!

    I told my family yesterday and that helped me process it a bit more, saying it out loud. He's gone away for the night though and I'm struggling with the being alone... I went from living at home with parents and sharing a room with my sister until I met him and then we lived together and shared a room so I've never actually slept alone. The night is very quiet but overwhelming

    I'm hoping my body will kick in soon and tell me that I need to eat because my appetite is non existent and I know that'll be making me feel worse.

    I know in time I will be okay again... but it's only been 48 hours and that's felt like a lifetime already...

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