Single at 35

emma90 said:

I have a million thoughts in my head.

I find a great way to cope with these is to find a way to capture them on paper so I can define the issues / questions / tasks / problems and then use rational thinking to define them.

By taking these phantasms that are scaring me and making them material, knowing their size / scope / potential I am able to work out how I can respond to them and this helps steal their power to scare me.

I use a process called mind mapping, but you can do a simpler version by just getting a few big sheets of paper and a pack of post-its, write each subject on a post it and stick onto the big sheet and soon you will see different categories so you can group them, notice there are other subjects that should be in there so you write these down too and in no time you have all the scary thoughts in one place.

Now you know the whole lot you can start to think of how to respond to them, starting one at a time and see where other ones will be helped or hindered by each response. It takes a few days typically of many re-visits (maybe half an hour at a time so it isn't overwhelming) to work though them all and pretty soon you can start to see some ways out.

This should work for practical issues - emotional ones are helped by the process but the solutions are not so easy.

Maybe you need to sell the house whether your partner wants to or not, or maybe he buys out your part - you may need to get independent financial advice.

I would suggest getting someone you trust to look over the issues with you and get a fresh pair of eyes on the matter as there are often solutions you may not have thought of.

In the end you can see all the possible routes forward an know what each one involves to a degree so you can choose the one you want. It needs to be practical and realistic which is why I suggested a 3rd party to review with you.

Now that you have agency over your future again then it becomes easier to cope with change because it is change you chose - you are back in control and this makes your brain more likely to accept these changes.

emma90 said:

He said we should break up because we have no romance left. He questioned whether I'm asexual. He feels like when I kiss him it's just because I have to. We're not intimate in any way.

And he isn't wrong. I do all those things because that's what normal people do.

It was going to come out at some point so it is best in my opinion to face the fact you are not aligned in your needs so you should think what sort of future is ahead of you - friendship or separation. By talking it over and agreeing what you really want you can build whatever future you need based on honesty which is much more likely to last.

Don't mask and try to be like "normal people" - your partner needs to see the real you if they are to love you as you deserve. It sounds like you are not the sort of partner they want so you can agree together whether you can find a way to accommodate his needs - perhaps an open relationship, allowing other forms of intimacy with others or some other combination could be an option. You won't know until you talk.

It is a lot to think about but these are my thoughts, but remember I am just some random person off the internet so don't consider anything I say seriously without thinking it through and researching it first.

Good luck

I've masked my whole life intentionally and unintentionally at times. I'm not sure who I know who the real me is anymore.

The house and financial stability is what scares me at the moment. We are both being rational about this side of it and we'll continue living together for the next couple of months while we talk to a mortgage advisor and solicitor. He knows I would love to keep the house and he just wants his half of the equity which is fair, I just don't know yet how or if we can manage to both get what we want.

I've masked my whole life intentionally and unintentionally at times. I'm not sure who I know who the real me is anymore.

The house and financial stability is what scares me at the moment. We are both being rational about this side of it and we'll continue living together for the next couple of months while we talk to a mortgage advisor and solicitor. He knows I would love to keep the house and he just wants his half of the equity which is fair, I just don't know yet how or if we can manage to both get what we want.