How can I tell the difference between normal relationship difficulties, autism-related misunderstandings, and potentially controlling or emotionally harmful behaviour?

Following that logic how life should be organised then? Is it okay to queue at the checkout where a woman works? How about a gp appointment ? Are women gp okay, or should it be male only? Dentist?.. Librarian?.. Emergency services? Nurses? Members of public in places like museums?

I'd say specialist counselling.

I hope you've found happiness now, Lonehare12 . Mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse and garners less sympathy because it's hidden. 

I'm glad about that. Being in a bad relationship is harrowing and limiting.

Marianne72 said:

Christians can remarry if the spouse dies but not divorce.

Christians can divorce actually. 

Right, I still don't understand, but I think thats a discussion for another thread.

I asked AI and got this response: Christians can remarry if the spouse dies but not divorce. The marriage contract is for life. Seems a bit sad to me. I had coercive relationships and would be very unhappy now, and perhaps not have survived, had I carried on.

I am sorry if any of this comes across as harsh. I have been through a difficult marriage myself and please know I mean it kindly.

With reference to "Both have entered into a solemn agreement to support each other, come what may.", I would say you are not being supported. I would say that is pretty cut and dry. This being the case then it is not you who has broken their vows. Indeed you come across as someone who never would. To me a marriage should make both parties stronger than they otherwise would be. 

As others have said there are elements of control in what your spouse is up to. You should absolutely be able to go to a social group so long as it's not taking over every moment of your time. Your partner is certainly acting jealousy which is not a good look in a trusting relationship. My guage for when things went too far in my own life was saying exactly what has happened out loud (to trusted friend, sibling or just alone in the middle of nowhere). I found myself thinking that's absolutely bonkers when said out loud (I'd always made similar excuses for why it could be excused just mulling things over). 

You need to go to relationship counselling. Please make sure it is independent and nothing to do with the church. You'll need to expect 6-10 weeks. Book it and tell your partner. Tell them it is because you love them and want your marriage to heal and work. If fixing things is important they will be there, if not you can get some help to heal and move forward. The first session will probably be you only, the second the spouse only, then bringing you together after that. 

If it is just communication that is an issue they can help and you can sort all of this out with maybe just a couple of sessions and an exercise or two. Things won't get better living apart without taking the opportunity of addressing the issues. If your partner won't agree to go then I'm afraid it shows that they don't put much value on the relationship. Things really do come out of the woodwork at these and there is no skirting around problems. A good independent counsellor will pick up on any controlling if it's there and confront it. God loves each of us and knows what's in our hearts anyway. If you both really do love each other out of choice, rather than being obligated by a promise to your deity, you can both make this work but do it because you make each other stronger, happier and generally better people. 

I wish you both safe, happy and contented futures.

Speaking from the experience of being a Jehovahs Witnesses for 30 years we are bound by the rules that are in place on whether we have grounds to leave that relationship.
Because my husband didn’t physically abuse me I didn’t think I had grounds to leave him. Add in the autistic way of sticking to the rules and it becomes very difficult to see a way out.
I only got married in the first place because if I wasn’t married I wouldn’t have been acceptable to God and therefore unable to become a Jehovah Witnesses.

Living together was unacceptable.

How does a CHristian marriage differ, from any other?

Hi Old_Guy 

Freedom within a marriage is a sign of love and respect for each other. I mean just the freedom to pursue our interests without having to worry about what the other person is thinking.

Being within a Christian marriage can be one of the most challenging places for an autistic person to navigate.

Take care of yourself

I don't really expect you to reply to this if it feels too uncomfortable, but I feel it wrong not to say anything, if I would say it if you were female.


1. Controlling who you can speak to, what groups you can join, what friends you can have and even whether you are too scared to use an emergency mental health service is coercive control.

2. This next bit I had to look up to check as I didn't want to quote wrong. "In 2015, under the Serious Crime Act 2015 (the 2015 Act) coercive control in an intimate or family relationship became a criminal offence. If you experience this form of abuse, you can report it to the police."

3. It's kind of made worse by the fact that it's controlling someone with autism, as technically in the eyes of the law you are classed as a 'vulnerable person'.


I am not saying you need to report her or anything like that, it is just some things to consider your situation in a modern day context. (I didn't want to be too invasive and ask if she is the same age/older/younger, as generationally I think attitudes are different).  She might not be aware she is doing anything wrong, but she is and that's kind of why you feel so bad. I am sorry for your situation, and can see you are trying very hard to make it work.

As the church seems to mean a lot to you, would you consider saying what you've just told us to someone you can trust there and get their spiritual guidance? Just you seem to put that before your own happiness. 

Please take care of yourself whatever you do.

I've met an awful lot of people over the years that meet, fall in love and marry someone, only to try and cram them into a fantasy of what a married couple or people in a relationship should be, then they split up and go an do the whole thing over again.

I agree with you about acepting people for who they are. I think a lot of people, particularly NT's get this thing in thier heads when a partner gets a diagnosis, of needing to fix them, you are not broken, you do not need fixing.

Old_Guy said:

in the past my wife has refused therapy no two grounds; she is not the one with the problem, and no therapist understands the issues of a neurotypical person living with a neurodiverse person.

I would propose to her that it isn't that she is the problem but that she is part of a couple who are having a problem and it takes both to invest in making it work so you need her to contribute to the attention of a specialist.

I recommended finding a therapist who understands autists as they will be trained on how to deal with neurotypical people by default but their knowledge of helping autists will enable them to deal with these sorts of issues that are much more common than you may realise.

Many autists have relationship issues for a wide range of reasons and since we make up around 5% of the population then there are millions of us out there with problems, so there should be plenty of relationship problems for therapists to have worked on.

Stepping back for a second though, the fact she is denying she is part of the issue is a red flag. Personally I would expect this to be possibly through a mix of ignorance and prejudice based on other situations like it I have know of, but it is risky to broach this issue with them as they are likely to take offence and double down on their position.

I don't know either of you so this is purely speculative so don't read anything into it.

It does sound like it is going to be hard going. In your shoes I would already be planning how to deal with a breakup just in case it happens as it gives you time to know your options and know how to prepare if it all goes sideways. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst sort of approach.

I hope it works out for you.

Thanks Iain . I agree, therapy for each and both of us would be the best way forward. I am invested in change, but need the observations as to what, and the help as to how. Unfortunately, in the past my wife has refused therapy no two grounds; she is not the one with the problem, and no therapist understands the issues of a neurotypical person living with a neurodiverse person. I think it is going to be a long road

Old_Guy said:

My worry/concern is that my diagnosis has revealed things about me I cannot change, that are part of me that has to be accepted and which to try to change only brings great distress.

With the help of a good therapist these things that you want to change can be achieved without trauma, but you have to want to change them or things are likely to go sideways. It probably wont be easy and if you are not heavily invested in wanting it to happen then resentment and failure are the likely outcomes (in my experience).

I think a therapist for your wife could also help get to the root of her insecurities that lead the the jealousy she has. This combined with a bit of couples counselling should give you the best framework to find a closer and more trusting relationship where neither of you need to sacrefice things you hold dear.

Good luck.

Thank you TheCatWoman . I think you are correct in posing the question of whether my wife may need reassuring that I am still the man she fell in love with. Thank you for that observation.

Thank you Marianne72 . If nothing else, I feel affirmed by all that has been written in response to my cry for help. Maybe my wife's insecurities, if that is what they are, are ones that may have been navigated more easily by a neurotypiucal partner. I do not wish to become embroiled in debate about Christianity, except to observe that God's purpose for us in marriage is an ideal that very many of us fall short of. However, like love, it is something that we have to work at all the time. Love becomes the priority, so we decode to love - it is intentional not instinctive. Ooops, I got a bit carried away with that one.

Thank you for the wisdom in you responses.

I agree with what everyone has said here. 

1. it seems she has always suffered jealousy. If you are to stay together, you perhaps need couple's counselling to explore this and your differences.

2. your autism is not your fault and the 'symptoms' must have been there all along. So, why have they now become an issue? It is unfair to blame you and cruel to try to prevent you communicating with fellow autistics.

3. we all change as we get older and have different values, expectations and interests. In any relationship, you either continue to move alongside, make the attempt to do so, or stop making both unhappy by remaining together when the differences become too great to bear

4. despite being Christian, surely we were born to live fulfilled lives? If you are making yourselves fearful or unhappy, perhaps it's time to have a distance relationship instead? See 1. I am sure there must be Christian couples counselling available too.

best of luck and remember, life is short! There are so many people and organisations needing volunteers. Perhaps pitching in might bury the differences for both of you - individually and/or together.

I was always someone with a mixed group of friends, different genders ages, races, so many partners have really struggled with it, I've only felt jealousy once or twice in my life, so I don't really understand it either intellectually or emotionally. I'm someone who seems to cause jealousy in others and I don't know why?

It sounds as though your partner isn't quite sure who you are anymore and may need reassuring that you're the person she first fell in love with. I do think some couples counselling would help. 

I'm probably not a good person to give relationship advice as I'm a bit of a disaster when it comes to relationships.