How can I tell the difference between normal relationship difficulties, autism-related misunderstandings, and potentially controlling or emotionally harmful behaviour?

Old_Guy said:

We have been married for ten years and have struggled with aspects of our relationship throughout that time.

If some of these areas you struggled with were around fidelity then this is where I think the current control issues from your wife would be based. If there is no issues (real or perceived) with you being faithful then it seems odd that she is raising this now.

Old_Guy said:

I want to be accepted and loved for who I am.

This is a reasonable request but giving in to a partners neuroses about you is not going to help - there is even a chance that your partner will see this capitulation as a sign of guilt.

I suspect your best solution is to get couples counselling as they are trained to mediate between you and help you come to understand the root of the issues and how to deal with them in the long run.

Relationships starting later in life are complex as there is often a lot of emotional baggage that comes with each person. I have little doubt that your autism will make this hard to navigate which is why I would recommend that any couples counsellor have a track record of helping neurodivergent / neurotypical couples.

This is all just in my opinion of course.

OK Iain, you have hit closer than you think with your initial comment. It was not infidelity as such. As a single man, I worked in an environment where ladies were in the majority, and I was in a choir again where there were many ladies. I was reluctant to give up either work or the choir. I guess the pressure put on me to do so should/could have been taken a as a warning sign that the lady wanted more of my life than I was happy to give. Looking back, there were many things about my life the lady was critical of. I had been a youth worker for many years. This entailed evening work and time away from my family for work and training. She thought this was wrong for a married man. She also was suspicious of why I wanted to become a driving instructor, as I had when made redundant at the age of 50.

However, we are where we are. I consciously gave up large parts of myself that I regret. The lady acknowledges that she should have thought twice about marrying me in the first place. Now, we have to make the best we can.

My worry/concern is that my diagnosis has revealed things about me I cannot change, that are part of me that has to be accepted and which to try to change only brings great distress. It is those aspects of my autism I need help discovering and advocating to my wife in the most understanding and effective way.

OK Iain, you have hit closer than you think with your initial comment. It was not infidelity as such. As a single man, I worked in an environment where ladies were in the majority, and I was in a choir again where there were many ladies. I was reluctant to give up either work or the choir. I guess the pressure put on me to do so should/could have been taken a as a warning sign that the lady wanted more of my life than I was happy to give. Looking back, there were many things about my life the lady was critical of. I had been a youth worker for many years. This entailed evening work and time away from my family for work and training. She thought this was wrong for a married man. She also was suspicious of why I wanted to become a driving instructor, as I had when made redundant at the age of 50.

However, we are where we are. I consciously gave up large parts of myself that I regret. The lady acknowledges that she should have thought twice about marrying me in the first place. Now, we have to make the best we can.

My worry/concern is that my diagnosis has revealed things about me I cannot change, that are part of me that has to be accepted and which to try to change only brings great distress. It is those aspects of my autism I need help discovering and advocating to my wife in the most understanding and effective way.

Old_Guy said:

in the past my wife has refused therapy no two grounds; she is not the one with the problem, and no therapist understands the issues of a neurotypical person living with a neurodiverse person.

I would propose to her that it isn't that she is the problem but that she is part of a couple who are having a problem and it takes both to invest in making it work so you need her to contribute to the attention of a specialist.

I recommended finding a therapist who understands autists as they will be trained on how to deal with neurotypical people by default but their knowledge of helping autists will enable them to deal with these sorts of issues that are much more common than you may realise.

Many autists have relationship issues for a wide range of reasons and since we make up around 5% of the population then there are millions of us out there with problems, so there should be plenty of relationship problems for therapists to have worked on.

Stepping back for a second though, the fact she is denying she is part of the issue is a red flag. Personally I would expect this to be possibly through a mix of ignorance and prejudice based on other situations like it I have know of, but it is risky to broach this issue with them as they are likely to take offence and double down on their position.

I don't know either of you so this is purely speculative so don't read anything into it.

It does sound like it is going to be hard going. In your shoes I would already be planning how to deal with a breakup just in case it happens as it gives you time to know your options and know how to prepare if it all goes sideways. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst sort of approach.

I hope it works out for you.

Thanks Iain . I agree, therapy for each and both of us would be the best way forward. I am invested in change, but need the observations as to what, and the help as to how. Unfortunately, in the past my wife has refused therapy no two grounds; she is not the one with the problem, and no therapist understands the issues of a neurotypical person living with a neurodiverse person. I think it is going to be a long road

Old_Guy said:

My worry/concern is that my diagnosis has revealed things about me I cannot change, that are part of me that has to be accepted and which to try to change only brings great distress.

With the help of a good therapist these things that you want to change can be achieved without trauma, but you have to want to change them or things are likely to go sideways. It probably wont be easy and if you are not heavily invested in wanting it to happen then resentment and failure are the likely outcomes (in my experience).

I think a therapist for your wife could also help get to the root of her insecurities that lead the the jealousy she has. This combined with a bit of couples counselling should give you the best framework to find a closer and more trusting relationship where neither of you need to sacrefice things you hold dear.

Good luck.

Old_Guy said:

As a single man, I worked in an environment where ladies were in the majority, and I was in a choir again where there were many ladies. I was reluctant to give up either work or the choir. I guess the pressure put on me to do so should/could have been taken a as a warning sign that the lady wanted more of my life than I was happy to give. Looking back, there were many things about my life the lady was critical of. I had been a youth worker for many years. This entailed evening work and time away from my family for work and training. She thought this was wrong for a married man. She also was suspicious of why I wanted to become a driving instructor, as I had when made redundant at the age of 50.

This sort of things can happen in a relationship and did with mine - I think nowadays it might be called coercive control.

I think that a compromise would be best as I have read that you want to stay together.

However, your wife would need to compromise too - not just you give everything up.

I think it's important to say to you that from what I've read (and I clearly don't know you and your wife isn't here to advocate for herself) that you are not in the wrong in any way.

Some people that we get involved with just find it necessary to control our lives for us, sadly.

Old_Guy said:

I guess I am seeking help with advocacy about my autism.

I wonder whether a relationship counsellor might be able to help (if your wife was willing) but what might be difficult is finding one with a knowledge of autism.

Old_Guy said:

One issue that has caused considerable distress concerns my wish to attend a support and social group for autistic adults without learning difficulties. I hoped it would help me meet people with similar experiences and better understand myself. However, my wife reacted very negatively and suggested that my real motivation was to meet other women. She felt that a married man should not want to socialise in a group that might include women.

I know an autistic man who is married who does just this.

I believe it's perfectly reasonable of you to want to attend something that might very much help you on your self discovery journey.