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How can I tell the difference between normal relationship difficulties, autism-related misunderstandings, and potentially controlling or emotionally harmful behaviour?

Old_Guy

I am a 70-year-old autistic man. I received my autism diagnosis in December last year, although my wife first suggested that I might be autistic a couple of years ago. We have been married for ten years and have struggled with aspects of our relationship throughout that time.

Since receiving my diagnosis, I feel that things have become more difficult rather than easier. I am trying to understand whether what I am experiencing is a consequence of autism-related communication differences, whether I am being misunderstood, or whether there may be unhealthy dynamics in our relationship that I do not recognise.

My wife and I have recently agreed to live separately because communication has become such a problem. Neither of us wants the marriage to fail; we both hope that some distance may help us improve things.

One issue that has caused considerable distress concerns my wish to attend a support and social group for autistic adults without learning difficulties. I hoped it would help me meet people with similar experiences and better understand myself. However, my wife reacted very negatively and suggested that my real motivation was to meet other women. She felt that a married man should not want to socialise in a group that might include women.

As a result, I have begun to feel that I cannot comfortably meet new people unless they are already friends or family members. Recently, I became so distressed that I contacted the SHOUT text support service. However, when a helper responded, I found myself unable to continue because the helper was female and I was worried about how that might be perceived.

During the discussion about the autism group, I told my wife that I personally would not object if she wanted to meet socially with other people in a mixed group. Her reaction was one of shock and distress, and I felt as though she interpreted my comment as meaning that I wanted a complete separation, which was not my intention.

At present, I feel confused, isolated and very unhappy. It seems that I do not understand relationships in the same way that my wife does, and I am struggling to know what is reasonable and what is not. I would like guidance on how to navigate relationships as an autistic person diagnosed later in life.

Most of all, I want to be accepted and loved for who I am. At the moment I feel quite hopeless and reluctant to leave the house. I would appreciate any advice, support, or perspective that might help me better understand my situation and find a way forward.

  • in reply to Old_Guy
    Old_Guy said:
    As a single man, I worked in an environment where ladies were in the majority, and I was in a choir again where there were many ladies. I was reluctant to give up either work or the choir. I guess the pressure put on me to do so should/could have been taken a as a warning sign that the lady wanted more of my life than I was happy to give. Looking back, there were many things about my life the lady was critical of. I had been a youth worker for many years. This entailed evening work and time away from my family for work and training. She thought this was wrong for a married man. She also was suspicious of why I wanted to become a driving instructor, as I had when made redundant at the age of 50.

    This sort of things can happen in a relationship and did with mine - I think nowadays it might be called coercive control.

    I think that a compromise would be best as I have read that you want to stay together.

    However, your wife would need to compromise too - not just you give everything up.

    I think it's important to say to you that from what I've read (and I clearly don't know you and your wife isn't here to advocate for herself) that you are not in the wrong in any way.

    Some people that we get involved with just find it necessary to control our lives for us, sadly.

    Old_Guy said:
    I guess I am seeking help with advocacy about my autism.

    I wonder whether a relationship counsellor might be able to help (if your wife was willing) but what might be difficult is finding one with a knowledge of autism.

    Old_Guy said:
    One issue that has caused considerable distress concerns my wish to attend a support and social group for autistic adults without learning difficulties. I hoped it would help me meet people with similar experiences and better understand myself. However, my wife reacted very negatively and suggested that my real motivation was to meet other women. She felt that a married man should not want to socialise in a group that might include women.

    I know an autistic man who is married who does just this.

    I believe it's perfectly reasonable of you to want to attend something that might very much help you on your self discovery journey.

  • in reply to RachelO

    Hi  . Yes, I can see there will be things about me that my wife will just not get. There are things about her that I just do not understand either. I believe we need the accept those things as being immutable parts of the person and get on with loving each other. I believe it to be part of the way my autistic brain processes things, that I just don't get how one person can "fall in love" with someone as they meet them, later on try to change them and then, when they don't succeed, complain that they wish they had not married them in the first place! There are things about my wife I would like to be different, others that I do not like, but none that I would try to change - she is who she is.

    My point is, I am who I am too.

  • in reply to Iain

    OK Iain, you have hit closer than you think with your initial comment. It was not infidelity as such. As a single man, I worked in an environment where ladies were in the majority, and I was in a choir again where there were many ladies. I was reluctant to give up either work or the choir. I guess the pressure put on me to do so should/could have been taken a as a warning sign that the lady wanted more of my life than I was happy to give. Looking back, there were many things about my life the lady was critical of. I had been a youth worker for many years. This entailed evening work and time away from my family for work and training. She thought this was wrong for a married man. She also was suspicious of why I wanted to become a driving instructor, as I had when made redundant at the age of 50.

    However, we are where we are. I consciously gave up large parts of myself that I regret. The lady acknowledges that she should have thought twice about marrying me in the first place. Now, we have to make the best we can.

    My worry/concern is that my diagnosis has revealed things about me I cannot change, that are part of me that has to be accepted and which to try to change only brings great distress. It is those aspects of my autism I need help discovering and advocating to my wife in the most understanding and effective way.

  • in reply to B

    Thank you for your best wishes. The thing is, as a Christian, a relationship in marriage is one that is fixed. Both have entered into a solemn agreement to support each other, come what may. I guess I am seeking help with advocacy about my autism.

  • Sometimes when you get a new diagnosis/condition some people want some people to change. Some people will not change and some people need to accept that, than rather try and change some people. I write this I tried to help one of my parents comes to terms with one of my conditions and they just will not. I know you mentioned you have had some problems in the recent past, I don't why that was happening. 

    Do you want things to really change.

  • Old_Guy said:
    We have been married for ten years and have struggled with aspects of our relationship throughout that time.

    If some of these areas you struggled with were around fidelity then this is where I think the current control issues from your wife would be based. If there is no issues (real or perceived) with you being faithful then it seems odd that she is raising this now.

    Old_Guy said:
    I want to be accepted and loved for who I am.

    This is a reasonable request but giving in to a partners neuroses about you is not going to help - there is even a chance that your partner will see this capitulation as a sign of guilt.

    I suspect your best solution is to get couples counselling as they are trained to mediate between you and help you come to understand the root of the issues and how to deal with them in the long run.

    Relationships starting later in life are complex as there is often a lot of emotional baggage that comes with each person. I have little doubt that your autism will make this hard to navigate which is why I would recommend that any couples counsellor have a track record of helping neurodivergent / neurotypical couples.

    This is all just in my opinion of course.

  • I haven't got any answers for you but I feel for you and just wanted to wish you all the best.

    I have been in a relationship where I felt/was controlled and one where I am much more free (ie now).

    Relationships are complicated and what is acceptable to one person won't be to another.

    I hope that you find a way forward.

  • The fact that your wife did not want you to attend the group for autistic people without learning difficulties does sound like a red flag. It seems very controlling. 

    Is she afraid you might meet someone who might understand you better thsn she can? It would be more hopeful if she could admit she has insecurities, but if she is making threats too about what would happen if you do make more friends outside your marriage, that could be another red flag.