Recently diagnosed age 45, really have always but struggling even more now, marriage is breaking down and I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong. [identifying content removed by moderator]

Hi , similar situation , mines at the point where none of the kids or family speak to me and I've had to sleep rough etc . I'm now in the final phase of divorce as it's also contributed to ruining the marriage .My kids are grown up having kids , getting married etc and don't want me to have anything to do with any of it . 

I feel like everyone's blaming me for everything all the time and am at the point where I'm paranoid everyone is intentionally trying to ruin my life . I'm awaiting a formal diagnosis for autism , ADHD and OCD maybe I will find some comfort in it.

I suppose it is what it is . I hope you can get something sorted and some peace .

All the best 

I hope that it works itself and that your daughter's assessment went ok.

Hi Iain, thanks for your message. When I mentioned about my broken brain, I was taking pre diagnosis and basically trying everything g I could to find the actual reasons for feeling like I did. I’m amazed none of the gps I’ve had over the years spotted it. I think it was all misdiagnosed depression and anxiety, and me trying to find the reasons for the mental health. When I’d mentioned the child trauma it’d probably reinforced to them that it was just mental health. 
I’m going to see the GP next week and discuss the diagnosis ask for counselling, and go from there.

im also seeking groups and meet ups for my teens to help them navigate this too. 
thanks 

Dave 

Hi Aron, sorry took ages to reply! yes it does feel that way but the realisation of having RSD rejection sensitive dysphoria since a few days has really opened up my mind to why I could feel like this and the severity of it. I’m sensitive in every aspect when it comes to listening to what people say, facial expressions, replies to messages etc, and study every detail for criticism or if someone is actually saying something and meaning something else. Things I thought were normal in the way I’ve been thinking/living for decades are actually not normal apparently. Appreciate you saying about the resilience, I feel like I am strong and this unknown RSD thing has made me think that I must be quite tough to hav gotten through all of this over the years. Can I ask what habits did you have to unmask, I am starting to relax into fidgeting more now and am not so bothered about forcing the eye contact to look like I’m not uninterested, also I’ve been hand flapping a bit, which I haven’t done since a teen. 
Did tou also have to deal with relatives or friends who don’t actually accept the diagnosis and just say “oh well we’ve all got something” type of attitude. If so what did you say in response if you felt like theh acted as if your making it up? 

Thanks Rachel, it definitely must be hard for her. I don’t think she feels she has to care for me although she maybe doesn’t trust my decisions sometimes and maybe has some resentment because we’ve had challenges over the years. 
we’ve been married for 13yrs and been together for nearly 20, so I’m sure most marriages go through a lot in that time. 
we’ve been tested to the limit I think the past 4 years due to my sons diagnosis and horrendous school experience. This alone I’ve been told was a common reason for separation due to the stress it causes, but we now have our daughters asd assessment this Friday, and we want to make sure we get it right this time, and won’t allow the same to happen again. The system is awful and the governments are incompetent beyond belief. 
I’ve learned a lot in just over a week about other conditions I have, which I thought were just normal behaviours but now realise how damaging they are to me and partly to others around me. 
I’ve apologised to my wife for things I didn’t understand, and have explained I’ll do whatever it takes to change, recognise and adapt to these new found issues. 
I’ve suffered greatly over the years and lost precious time with my loved ones due to depression caused by these feelings, which I now know are typical adhd thought patterns of almost self destruction, hating one’s self and destroying yourself from within. I’m now looking forward though comfortable in my skin knowing I couldn’t have tried harder, and did my absolute best under the circumstances. I feel a bit more positive that I can save our marriage now and live much happier. 
definitely I can live functionally and have done my best to do so, my wife knows this I’m sure, and has always said how good I am at certain things. Just need to keep learning which will no doubt help our kids navigate the world better but also myself going forward to make the absolute best of this next half of my life 

thank you 

Hi everyone,

First of all, I'd like to apologise for the bit of a rant I posted the other day. It came on the back of a particularly bad day during what has been quite a difficult few weeks. If any of the terminology I used caused offence to anyone, I'm genuinely sorry. A lot of this is still very new to me, and I'm learning as I go.

I also want to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read, respond, and offer support. The kindness and understanding shown in the replies meant a lot.

Since posting, I've done a lot of reflecting and learning. I've come to realise that I almost certainly experience significant rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Looking back, it's something that has affected me for most of my life. Small comments, misunderstandings, or perceived changes in tone can feel overwhelming and can quickly lead me to assume the worst-case scenario. In my relationship, for example, I can sometimes convince myself that a minor disagreement means everything is falling apart, even when that's far from the reality.

This journey has made me realise just how much mental energy I spend analysing situations, reading between the lines, and trying to interpret what people really mean. More often than not, I've discovered that many of the fears and conclusions I jump to exist more in my head than in reality.

Although it's a lot to take in, I genuinely feel positive about finally understanding myself better. Through groups like this and the support I've received, I'm already learning things that make so much sense of my past experiences.

I've also spoken openly with my wife and apologised for some of the behaviours that may have affected her over the years, particularly those I wasn't fully aware of at the time. At the same time, I'm trying to find a healthy balance between taking responsibility for my challenges and not automatically assuming that every difficulty or disagreement is entirely my fault. Like many relationships, there are often multiple factors involved, and we're both learning and navigating things together.

Thank you again for your support, patience, and understanding. I look forward to continuing to learn from everyone here and, hopefully, being able to contribute and help others along the way as well.

Take care everyone

The years since have held its own challenges, some of which I guess can be attributed to asd. Making sense of stuff going forward and deciding whats real or not is the current/new challenge I guess. But lack of trust and not being able to talk freely and openly or even knowing what to say keeps everything internalised and challenges forthcoming

It may be hard for your wife. She may feel that she has been now been made the carer and lost who she felt she first met..  You have had this all your life and you are still you despite a diagnosis. I hope it doesn't come between you. It might be a good idea and ask them to not focus on it and focus on your strengths. I would say it may be helpful to your partner to see people who are diagnosed with autism-you may have the more functional type and there are people out there diagnosed with both leading relatively normal lives. May be showing your partner some may help them and reassure them. You will find some names if you google it. The first year after diagnosis for some people can be quite difficult.

Hi, so sorry to hear that, and I hope you’ve found a companion and happiness since.

sorry that was a proper rant message I’d posted on here, I’d had a rally bad day, was struggling after some bad days at home with the wife and just offloaded on here. I’d do anything to make this work for our marriage but it just feels like she is just to far gone with me. 
Whilst looking for groups I saw a discussion about adhd and a condition called “rejection sensitive dysphoria” and it fits me like a glove again. The physical sensations of fear and upset around this potential split feel severe, but the same condition also may be causing the exaggerated feelings, so I may be overthinking the whole thing too. So confusing, but feels crushing, and this is how’s it’s felt over nearly 20 yrs every time things have gone wrong. Thanks for your message and wish you well.

I empathise with you. Late diagnosed, asd maybe contributed to my divorce 20 years ago.

Hey Dave sounds like your are going through a difficult time atm and it sounds like your are not really feeling supported by your spouse which sucks. 

I can relate to your situation and experiences, i.e. late discovery of NDV and this linking to a lot of lifes challenges / self-identity / masking / people pleasing to survive and socially fit in - breakdown in marriage / trust issues following the unmasking process / reducing people pleasing / fiitting in behaviours - having a family where there is a mixture or neuro diversity - managing life now and feeling different / not connected with most of society etc. 

It sounds like youve built a lot of resillience up so give yourself some credit. In terms of moving forward these things are tricky, i.e. thinking about / facing what is actually best for you / the situation / vs the anxiety and uncertainity of what that may look like if taking that risky decision. 

Your not alone pal

Davextra777 said:

I had searched, tried and tested everything you could imagine online to try and cure my broken brain

There is no cure for autism / ADHD as it is not an illness. It is more a way that the brain has developed that causes your experience of the world to be different from "normal" people. I found this helpful as it guides us to have foucs on how to cope with our ways of thinging and expereincing the world rather than changing who we are.

Davextra777 said:

I had searched, tried and tested everything you could imagine online to try and cure my broken brain, but nothing including several different types of therapy ever did much to help.

I found that finding a psychotherapist who has a strong track record of helping autisits made a huge difference. Mine has autistic children herself and has raised them to cope with the world and lead normal lives so it is this sort of understanding that enables a good threapist to be able to offer practical advice on how to approach issues and manage our reactions in a much healthier way.

It sounds like they could also offer advice for your children too but that would be for you to discuss with them,

I lack the experience to offer meaningful advice on your family issues but I wish you the best of luck in finding help.

• The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC) offers support to adults who experienced abuse in childhood:
  https://napac.org.uk/
• The NHS provides information and support around domestic abuse, including how to get help and who to contact:
  https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/