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Recently diagnosed age 45, really have always but struggling even more now, marriage is breaking down and I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong. [identifying content removed by moderator]

Davextra777

Hi, I’ve recently been diagnosed with asd and adhd.  My son was diagnosed a few years ago with both conditions, and after learning through signets courses about autism I realised this was me and the thing that was wrong with me that I’d desperately searched for my whole life. 
I had searched, tried and tested everything you could imagine online to try and cure my broken brain, but nothing including several different types of therapy ever did much to help. I couldn’t say what I was depressed about, I was just guessing, but now I understand with the diagnosis and can actually forgive myself and thanks myself for keeping on going when I thought it was nearly the end and welcomed if gratefully to have peace.
my marriage has always been tough, my wife thinks I’m sensitive, which I definitely am, but she is polar opposite and I find her cold and almost abusive in the way she can treat everyone with love, compassion and kindness except for me. If I talk to her about it, I’m ether imagining it, or she will say she doesn’t have to reassure me all the time, but I’m not stupid, I can feel something is wrong and almost as if she hates me but can’t admit it.
the thought of splitting up and dismantling of our family of four is something I can’t even think of without it sending me into a panic. 
as a young man nothing ever went right, I tried so hard at school for a while but couldn’t keep up, understand ir follow the lessons. The classroom and school environment was so overwhelming, I think I was in a state of fight flight for my whole childhood, teen and young adult years. I never thought I’d have a family, and I believe I wouldn’t actually live long either, it felt like I was cursed.

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I promised myself it’d never happen to my own children and they would never experience that trauma, but it feels close now and I feel helpless. 
I suffered with depression and thoughts of ending my life for many years, but when the kids come along, I did everything I could to change my broken mind. In the past 5 years I have managed to get myself flipped from being depressive most of the time to happy the majority of the time, very grateful, positive and just happy to be alive, but as soon as things change with my marriage it feels like everything is going to crash down.
my wife uses the fact that I have these neurodiverse challenges to basically blame things on me. I try to stay positive, upbeat and happy especially in front of the kids, but they can see how different she is too, and comment to me about this. I’ve probably been too open with them, my filter is absolutely rubbish and I do confide in them too much trying to explain how I’m feeling, and then afterwards regret that I may have caused them worry. It’s something I seem to have little control over like perfectionism at work, it’s driven from somewhere else in my mind which I don’t have the ability to control. 
My wife has her own traumas and has had a difficult life too, and I’m always conscious of that. I just can’t understand how something like affection, hugs and comforting one another even for a moment is so difficult to do unless there’s a deeper reason

the past four years have been so traumatic as a family, my son was diagnosed but had no significant support provided, lots of round in circles at CAMS, gps, solicitors fighting with everything we had for a special school, back and forth, getting somewhere and realising there’s another huge hurdle, and by the time managed to get him into a special school it was too late. We’ve just taken him out of school before his GCSEs because the damage it was causing his mental health, confidence and self esteem was heartbreaking. 
He is much better already for realising he doesn’t have to go through and attend the punishment of the educational system which has never helped or cared for him in any way.

Sorry that’s a lot of information, I’m just trying to find some people that are similar to me that I could relate to. I don’t have friends really, nobody has ever really showed interest in me for trying, and  my one school friend that I do have doesn’t understand me at all. 
if there are any groups  that meet once in a while for friendship and support that would be incredible 

thanks for listening 

Parents

  • Hi everyone,

    First of all, I'd like to apologise for the bit of a rant I posted the other day. It came on the back of a particularly bad day during what has been quite a difficult few weeks. If any of the terminology I used caused offence to anyone, I'm genuinely sorry. A lot of this is still very new to me, and I'm learning as I go.

    I also want to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read, respond, and offer support. The kindness and understanding shown in the replies meant a lot.

    Since posting, I've done a lot of reflecting and learning. I've come to realise that I almost certainly experience significant rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Looking back, it's something that has affected me for most of my life. Small comments, misunderstandings, or perceived changes in tone can feel overwhelming and can quickly lead me to assume the worst-case scenario. In my relationship, for example, I can sometimes convince myself that a minor disagreement means everything is falling apart, even when that's far from the reality.

    This journey has made me realise just how much mental energy I spend analysing situations, reading between the lines, and trying to interpret what people really mean. More often than not, I've discovered that many of the fears and conclusions I jump to exist more in my head than in reality.

    Although it's a lot to take in, I genuinely feel positive about finally understanding myself better. Through groups like this and the support I've received, I'm already learning things that make so much sense of my past experiences.

    I've also spoken openly with my wife and apologised for some of the behaviours that may have affected her over the years, particularly those I wasn't fully aware of at the time. At the same time, I'm trying to find a healthy balance between taking responsibility for my challenges and not automatically assuming that every difficulty or disagreement is entirely my fault. Like many relationships, there are often multiple factors involved, and we're both learning and navigating things together.

    Thank you again for your support, patience, and understanding. I look forward to continuing to learn from everyone here and, hopefully, being able to contribute and help others along the way as well.

    Take care everyone

Reply

  • Hi everyone,

    First of all, I'd like to apologise for the bit of a rant I posted the other day. It came on the back of a particularly bad day during what has been quite a difficult few weeks. If any of the terminology I used caused offence to anyone, I'm genuinely sorry. A lot of this is still very new to me, and I'm learning as I go.

    I also want to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read, respond, and offer support. The kindness and understanding shown in the replies meant a lot.

    Since posting, I've done a lot of reflecting and learning. I've come to realise that I almost certainly experience significant rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Looking back, it's something that has affected me for most of my life. Small comments, misunderstandings, or perceived changes in tone can feel overwhelming and can quickly lead me to assume the worst-case scenario. In my relationship, for example, I can sometimes convince myself that a minor disagreement means everything is falling apart, even when that's far from the reality.

    This journey has made me realise just how much mental energy I spend analysing situations, reading between the lines, and trying to interpret what people really mean. More often than not, I've discovered that many of the fears and conclusions I jump to exist more in my head than in reality.

    Although it's a lot to take in, I genuinely feel positive about finally understanding myself better. Through groups like this and the support I've received, I'm already learning things that make so much sense of my past experiences.

    I've also spoken openly with my wife and apologised for some of the behaviours that may have affected her over the years, particularly those I wasn't fully aware of at the time. At the same time, I'm trying to find a healthy balance between taking responsibility for my challenges and not automatically assuming that every difficulty or disagreement is entirely my fault. Like many relationships, there are often multiple factors involved, and we're both learning and navigating things together.

    Thank you again for your support, patience, and understanding. I look forward to continuing to learn from everyone here and, hopefully, being able to contribute and help others along the way as well.

    Take care everyone

Children
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