Hi, I’ve recently been diagnosed with asd and adhd. My son was diagnosed a few years ago with both conditions, and after learning through signets courses about autism I realised this was me and the thing that was wrong with me that I’d desperately searched for my whole life.
I had searched, tried and tested everything you could imagine online to try and cure my broken brain, but nothing including several different types of therapy ever did much to help. I couldn’t say what I was depressed about, I was just guessing, but now I understand with the diagnosis and can actually forgive myself and thanks myself for keeping on going when I thought it was nearly the end and welcomed if gratefully to have peace.
my marriage has always been tough, my wife thinks I’m sensitive, which I definitely am, but she is polar opposite and I find her cold and almost abusive in the way she can treat everyone with love, compassion and kindness except for me. If I talk to her about it, I’m ether imagining it, or she will say she doesn’t have to reassure me all the time, but I’m not stupid, I can feel something is wrong and almost as if she hates me but can’t admit it.
the thought of splitting up and dismantling of our family of four is something I can’t even think of without it sending me into a panic.
as a young man nothing ever went right, I tried so hard at school for a while but couldn’t keep up, understand ir follow the lessons. The classroom and school environment was so overwhelming, I think I was in a state of fight flight for my whole childhood, teen and young adult years. I never thought I’d have a family, and I believe I wouldn’t actually live long either, it felt like I was cursed.
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I promised myself it’d never happen to my own children and they would never experience that trauma, but it feels close now and I feel helpless.
I suffered with depression and thoughts of ending my life for many years, but when the kids come along, I did everything I could to change my broken mind. In the past 5 years I have managed to get myself flipped from being depressive most of the time to happy the majority of the time, very grateful, positive and just happy to be alive, but as soon as things change with my marriage it feels like everything is going to crash down.
my wife uses the fact that I have these neurodiverse challenges to basically blame things on me. I try to stay positive, upbeat and happy especially in front of the kids, but they can see how different she is too, and comment to me about this. I’ve probably been too open with them, my filter is absolutely rubbish and I do confide in them too much trying to explain how I’m feeling, and then afterwards regret that I may have caused them worry. It’s something I seem to have little control over like perfectionism at work, it’s driven from somewhere else in my mind which I don’t have the ability to control.
My wife has her own traumas and has had a difficult life too, and I’m always conscious of that. I just can’t understand how something like affection, hugs and comforting one another even for a moment is so difficult to do unless there’s a deeper reason
the past four years have been so traumatic as a family, my son was diagnosed but had no significant support provided, lots of round in circles at CAMS, gps, solicitors fighting with everything we had for a special school, back and forth, getting somewhere and realising there’s another huge hurdle, and by the time managed to get him into a special school it was too late. We’ve just taken him out of school before his GCSEs because the damage it was causing his mental health, confidence and self esteem was heartbreaking.
He is much better already for realising he doesn’t have to go through and attend the punishment of the educational system which has never helped or cared for him in any way.
Sorry that’s a lot of information, I’m just trying to find some people that are similar to me that I could relate to. I don’t have friends really, nobody has ever really showed interest in me for trying, and my one school friend that I do have doesn’t understand me at all.
if there are any groups that meet once in a while for friendship and support that would be incredible
thanks for listening
