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Recently diagnosed age 45, really have always but struggling even more now, marriage is breaking down and I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong. [identifying content removed by moderator]

Davextra777

Hi, I’ve recently been diagnosed with asd and adhd.  My son was diagnosed a few years ago with both conditions, and after learning through signets courses about autism I realised this was me and the thing that was wrong with me that I’d desperately searched for my whole life. 
I had searched, tried and tested everything you could imagine online to try and cure my broken brain, but nothing including several different types of therapy ever did much to help. I couldn’t say what I was depressed about, I was just guessing, but now I understand with the diagnosis and can actually forgive myself and thanks myself for keeping on going when I thought it was nearly the end and welcomed if gratefully to have peace.
my marriage has always been tough, my wife thinks I’m sensitive, which I definitely am, but she is polar opposite and I find her cold and almost abusive in the way she can treat everyone with love, compassion and kindness except for me. If I talk to her about it, I’m ether imagining it, or she will say she doesn’t have to reassure me all the time, but I’m not stupid, I can feel something is wrong and almost as if she hates me but can’t admit it.
the thought of splitting up and dismantling of our family of four is something I can’t even think of without it sending me into a panic. 
as a young man nothing ever went right, I tried so hard at school for a while but couldn’t keep up, understand ir follow the lessons. The classroom and school environment was so overwhelming, I think I was in a state of fight flight for my whole childhood, teen and young adult years. I never thought I’d have a family, and I believe I wouldn’t actually live long either, it felt like I was cursed.

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I promised myself it’d never happen to my own children and they would never experience that trauma, but it feels close now and I feel helpless. 
I suffered with depression and thoughts of ending my life for many years, but when the kids come along, I did everything I could to change my broken mind. In the past 5 years I have managed to get myself flipped from being depressive most of the time to happy the majority of the time, very grateful, positive and just happy to be alive, but as soon as things change with my marriage it feels like everything is going to crash down.
my wife uses the fact that I have these neurodiverse challenges to basically blame things on me. I try to stay positive, upbeat and happy especially in front of the kids, but they can see how different she is too, and comment to me about this. I’ve probably been too open with them, my filter is absolutely rubbish and I do confide in them too much trying to explain how I’m feeling, and then afterwards regret that I may have caused them worry. It’s something I seem to have little control over like perfectionism at work, it’s driven from somewhere else in my mind which I don’t have the ability to control. 
My wife has her own traumas and has had a difficult life too, and I’m always conscious of that. I just can’t understand how something like affection, hugs and comforting one another even for a moment is so difficult to do unless there’s a deeper reason

the past four years have been so traumatic as a family, my son was diagnosed but had no significant support provided, lots of round in circles at CAMS, gps, solicitors fighting with everything we had for a special school, back and forth, getting somewhere and realising there’s another huge hurdle, and by the time managed to get him into a special school it was too late. We’ve just taken him out of school before his GCSEs because the damage it was causing his mental health, confidence and self esteem was heartbreaking. 
He is much better already for realising he doesn’t have to go through and attend the punishment of the educational system which has never helped or cared for him in any way.

Sorry that’s a lot of information, I’m just trying to find some people that are similar to me that I could relate to. I don’t have friends really, nobody has ever really showed interest in me for trying, and  my one school friend that I do have doesn’t understand me at all. 
if there are any groups  that meet once in a while for friendship and support that would be incredible 

thanks for listening 

Parents

  • Thank you so much for trusting everyone here with something so deeply personal. Reading your post, what stayed with me most was your resilience, your love for your family, and the kindness that comes through in the way you talk about the people you care about. 

    Firstly, welcome. I'm really glad you found your way here. I think you'll find that many people can relate to parts of your journey, and I hope this community helps you feel a little less alone. I want to do something different as a reply to this, and show you everything positive about yourself and this whole situation, aspects you may be struggling to see right now.

    Reading about your ASD and ADHD diagnosis, it sounds as though it brought a sense of understanding that had been missing for a long time. Being able to look back on your life with a new perspective can be incredibly powerful. It doesn't change the past, but it can bring so much self-compassion and help make sense of experiences that once felt confusing.

    One thing that really stood out to me is how reflective and self-aware you are. Throughout your post, you showed such a genuine desire to understand yourself and the people around you. That willingness to keep learning and growing is a real strength.

    The love you have for your children shines through in every part of what you wrote. They are clearly incredibly important to you, and it's obvious how much you've invested in being the best father you can be. The care, thought, and dedication you've shown them over the years is something they will always carry with them.

    I was also really moved by the way you spoke about your son. Your determination to support and advocate for him, while helping him feel understood and accepted, speaks volumes about the kind of parent you are. Having someone who believes in you and stands beside you can make an enormous difference, and it's clear you've been that person for him.

    I also wanted to say how lovely it was to read that, over the past few years, you've built a life where you're able to feel more gratitude, happiness, and hope. That says so much about your strength and perseverance. You deserve to recognise how far you've come.

    Something else that came across strongly is your compassion. Even while sharing your own experiences, you were thoughtful about the perspectives of the people around you. That empathy is a wonderful quality, and it really comes through in your writing.

    I also hope your diagnosis opens the door to meeting other late-diagnosed autistic adults. There can be something incredibly comforting about connecting with people who simply "get it" without needing lots of explanation. You deserve to feel understood, accepted, and able to be yourself.

    Above all, thank you again for sharing your story. It takes courage to be that open, and I'm sure your words will resonate with more people than you realise. I hope this community brings you understanding, friendship, and the reassurance that you don't have to navigate this journey on your own.

    Wishing you and your family all the very best for the future.

Reply

  • Thank you so much for trusting everyone here with something so deeply personal. Reading your post, what stayed with me most was your resilience, your love for your family, and the kindness that comes through in the way you talk about the people you care about. 

    Firstly, welcome. I'm really glad you found your way here. I think you'll find that many people can relate to parts of your journey, and I hope this community helps you feel a little less alone. I want to do something different as a reply to this, and show you everything positive about yourself and this whole situation, aspects you may be struggling to see right now.

    Reading about your ASD and ADHD diagnosis, it sounds as though it brought a sense of understanding that had been missing for a long time. Being able to look back on your life with a new perspective can be incredibly powerful. It doesn't change the past, but it can bring so much self-compassion and help make sense of experiences that once felt confusing.

    One thing that really stood out to me is how reflective and self-aware you are. Throughout your post, you showed such a genuine desire to understand yourself and the people around you. That willingness to keep learning and growing is a real strength.

    The love you have for your children shines through in every part of what you wrote. They are clearly incredibly important to you, and it's obvious how much you've invested in being the best father you can be. The care, thought, and dedication you've shown them over the years is something they will always carry with them.

    I was also really moved by the way you spoke about your son. Your determination to support and advocate for him, while helping him feel understood and accepted, speaks volumes about the kind of parent you are. Having someone who believes in you and stands beside you can make an enormous difference, and it's clear you've been that person for him.

    I also wanted to say how lovely it was to read that, over the past few years, you've built a life where you're able to feel more gratitude, happiness, and hope. That says so much about your strength and perseverance. You deserve to recognise how far you've come.

    Something else that came across strongly is your compassion. Even while sharing your own experiences, you were thoughtful about the perspectives of the people around you. That empathy is a wonderful quality, and it really comes through in your writing.

    I also hope your diagnosis opens the door to meeting other late-diagnosed autistic adults. There can be something incredibly comforting about connecting with people who simply "get it" without needing lots of explanation. You deserve to feel understood, accepted, and able to be yourself.

    Above all, thank you again for sharing your story. It takes courage to be that open, and I'm sure your words will resonate with more people than you realise. I hope this community brings you understanding, friendship, and the reassurance that you don't have to navigate this journey on your own.

    Wishing you and your family all the very best for the future.

Children
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