Estranged from adult child

Omg I am so sorry for you both, how heartbreaking. Your humility is so touching - there is no reason to think that struggling with your own autism made you less of a dad or less there for him - it may be the opposite and made you more empathetic or understanding of his ASD traits, even without his diagnosis. As for diagnosis our situation shows we can be dammed if we do and damned if we don’t. All we can hope is that our offspring have the compassion to see that we tried to make the best decisions we could in difficult circumstances. 

Thank you again for sharing your open hearted and very helpful insights and the benefits of your lived experiences. I feel better for your words. In the world of estrangement, neurodivergencey is not really addressed in how it affects the dynamics. I am not looking to take sides or ascribe blame but need to try to understand more in order to make informed responses. Yes trauma and neurosis can be fixed which is reassuring potentially but I think my child may be too invested in retaining me as the villain as it allows complete avoidance of accountability, which may be attractive. I remember being a bit that way too when I was younger. 

I can’t help but do feel what you are going through, my eldest son estranged himself from his mother and myself about two years ago. I can understand him not wanting me in his life, when he was growing up I was constantly struggling with autism as an undiagnosed adult. His mother was always there for him.

He has quite a few autistic traits but we didn’t recognise them when he was a child, opposite to you I feel guilty for not pursuing a diagnosis.

It was his birthday this week and we have been told he is getting married in December, I know this is breaking my wife’s heart.

Alas it may be an autistic thing to be unable to see you in shades of grey rather than black or white, or either a hero or a villain. I too think that the issues lie with your daughter rather than any specific that you have done. How old is she? 

I did end up being estranged from my parents, most particularly around the milennium when the autism thing resurfaced after another fsmily member csme under the spotlight. It reopened too many old wounds and I felt my life choices were being called into question again because of all the horrible literature at the time about mind blindness and lack of empathy amd so on. There was a massive row anyway, amd whilst after a couple of years I did see them again, I was never as close as all that with my mother again. 

There was moderate dysfunction within my family anyway and I never really felt there was enough honesty when growing up about what might be up with me, and I think it left my family in the dark too. I might be all right if guided intp a nice safe job, nice safe marriage, blah blah, but then I graduated in 1881...Then in my 30's I accidentally caught sight of my medical notes...... 

That is why I would suspect there may  be shame over something that after all is said to be lifelong. Whereas trauma and neuroses are things that can be fixed.... 

Thank you Kate I have tried exactly these things  a number of times. It feels validating that you suggest it, the fact that I tried these things maybe does not make me a bad person. 
My child says they are too angry with me for these things. 
I am wondering if my autism is making me use words poorly and if my child is autistic if this is affecting how the words are received- hence looking for help on finding the right words. 

I have tried being empathetic and validating but this seems to make things worse, like petrol on the flames. Maybe another approach is better for people of our neurotype? 

Thank you for these wise words Nexus. I thought my child’s response may be a way to divert shame (on to me) but I hadn’t really considered if they may have encountered the sort of things you refer to that could cause them to associate autism with shame. It’s very likely they will have encountered negativity around an autism diagnosis - we sadly live in a pretty cruel world, or just negatively picked up from social media or even mainstream media which can be pretty toxic. As a parent I did everything I could to be neurodivergency affirming - celebrating our many strengths while at the same time acknowledging our very real challenges. Maybe this is why I am being blamed due to the disconnect between the shame in society and my neuro-affirming approach? As my adult child has estranged from me it is sadly not possible to have these conversations. And I can see how a narrative in which I embody evil can feel protective against any shame. And I think I can safely assume or at least guess that the situations you refer to are likely to have happened. Meanwhile I have to find a way to move forward in my life with this grief.

 I really don’t know if I should try to reach out again and what I can say that will not enflame things. I have tried apologising, written letters of apology and offered opportunities for them to express all their feelings and thoughts to me witch me just listening and affirming . But my child says no they are too angry with me for that. And what about my feelings and needs. I matter too. I really don’t know what to do. 

What is is about the autism diagnosis that hurt your child?

It sounds on some level that it has created a massive sense of stigma, or shame. In the 90's for example, a lot was made about this supposed lack of empathy. Or perhaps it is the lifelong thing, or a throwaway comment that jived with existing fears about competencies and potentials and perceived lack of, and so on?

Currently kids can be pretty mean about it.

Having a more specific sense of what upset your child migjt be a better place to know where to start. 

This must be incredibly painful for you I’m so sorry. Can you write to them? And say how sorry you are, and how much you want understand, acknowledge and respect their perspective, and that you want to start again - even if it’s just with the occasional email or letter? Ask them if there’s any level of contact that they would feel comfortable with? 

Thank you so much for this kind and affirming reply. I think I am internalising what was said to me. I know my intentions were to support and intervention was essential at the time for my child to thrive. At the time of diagnosis my child was 100% in support of it.  They also of course have the right to change their mind and to identify as neurotypical if they wish to. I’ll respect that. I just cannot move on from the grief of the loss of my beloved child and have no idea how to recover but your words have really helped. I probably need to tackle the self blame first and then the grief. Losing a child is the worse thing I can imagine. I try to think positively about other areas of life, but cannot seem to move part it - maybe I have some sort of autistic block. 

Hello.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You cared and did what you thought was best. That is what you are supposed to do. I think you are blaming yourself too much.

Your child's anger and frustration is their issue.  I know this sounds blunt. They need to look at themselves. You can't manage other people's emotions.

A diagnosis is not given without evidence, so there must have been good reason. You didn't diagnose them.

As far as I know a diagnosis shouldn't hold you back. You can still achieve what you want to achieve. It is a means to understand yourself better and not burn out. Without help they may have done worse. If their frustration is at being othered or bullied, that may well have occurred anyway. What do they think would have been different? They may be looking for something to blame for them not achieving what they want.

They have clearly not accepted their diagnosis. When they are significantly stressed or get burnout perhaps they will then see that they do have challenges. Perhaps they will be lucky and not be on an environment where it causes real challenges, but probably not.

They also don't have to tell anyone as an adult of any diagnosis. They could always get re-assessed privately if it is that much of a problem.

I think all you can hope is that time will allow them to get a fuller perspective. Parents are humans too, they can only do their best.

You need to be kind to yourself, in my opinion and not judge yourself by impossible retrospective standards. I know this is hard, particularly if you are emotionally fragile at the moment.