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Estranged from adult child

Applecake27

My adult child has an autism 1 diagnosis. They struggled considerably during childhood and the diagnosis enabled me to fight for educational adjustments and thanks to this and my child’s amazing ability and tenacity they have done very well. 

I am also autistic, late diagnosed,  which helps me I think have more insight although of course everyone is different. But in my current situation my insight is failing me which is why I am hoping someone here can help me both understand better and find the most appropriate way to communicate, so long as doing so causes no harm. 

My child estranged from me a number of years ago during a difficult period when I was critically ill. It must have been hard for them to not know if I would survive. They are extremely angry with me for allowing an autism diagnosis to take place during childhood and accuse me of fabricating their needs. They feel that their autistic traits are a result of the childhood trauma of receiving an autism diagnosis, for which I am responsible. No concern was expressed at all about my critical illness, which I accept as I understand that when in emotional pain it’s hard to see the pain in others. 

I respect my child’s view  but am having difficulty letting go as sadly the love bond is too strong. The years are passing and my grief is not resolving, even with therapy help. 

When I read up on ideas on how to try to reconnect from estrangement, what I am seeing does not seem to address where neurodiversity is in the mix. I am autistic and my child may or may not be as their diagnosis may be wrong as they believe, but assuming they have ASD traits l would really appreciate ideas on how best to reach out in an autistic-friendly non confrontational manner.  

Please, please, please be kind in any comments even if you think I am wrong or bad. Other than allowing the autism assessment to take place and fighting for school adjustments I have never abused my child in any way.  I had no idea that allowing an autism diagnosis was abuse until my child explained this to me. I also recognise that I am far from perfect, struggle with poor self esteem and anxiety and these things may have affected my abilities as a mom, but I loved with all my heart and did the best I could. 

Has anyone ever been able to forgive a parent for allowing an assessment they later disagreed with? 

Parents

  • What is is about the autism diagnosis that hurt your child?

    It sounds on some level that it has created a massive sense of stigma, or shame. In the 90's for example, a lot was made about this supposed lack of empathy. Or perhaps it is the lifelong thing, or a throwaway comment that jived with existing fears about competencies and potentials and perceived lack of, and so on?

    Currently kids can be pretty mean about it.

    Having a more specific sense of what upset your child migjt be a better place to know where to start. 

  • in reply to Nexus11

    Thank you for these wise words Nexus. I thought my child’s response may be a way to divert shame (on to me) but I hadn’t really considered if they may have encountered the sort of things you refer to that could cause them to associate autism with shame. It’s very likely they will have encountered negativity around an autism diagnosis - we sadly live in a pretty cruel world, or just negatively picked up from social media or even mainstream media which can be pretty toxic. As a parent I did everything I could to be neurodivergency affirming - celebrating our many strengths while at the same time acknowledging our very real challenges. Maybe this is why I am being blamed due to the disconnect between the shame in society and my neuro-affirming approach? As my adult child has estranged from me it is sadly not possible to have these conversations. And I can see how a narrative in which I embody evil can feel protective against any shame. And I think I can safely assume or at least guess that the situations you refer to are likely to have happened. Meanwhile I have to find a way to move forward in my life with this grief.

     I really don’t know if I should try to reach out again and what I can say that will not enflame things. I have tried apologising, written letters of apology and offered opportunities for them to express all their feelings and thoughts to me witch me just listening and affirming . But my child says no they are too angry with me for that. And what about my feelings and needs. I matter too. I really don’t know what to do. 

Reply
  • in reply to Nexus11

    Thank you for these wise words Nexus. I thought my child’s response may be a way to divert shame (on to me) but I hadn’t really considered if they may have encountered the sort of things you refer to that could cause them to associate autism with shame. It’s very likely they will have encountered negativity around an autism diagnosis - we sadly live in a pretty cruel world, or just negatively picked up from social media or even mainstream media which can be pretty toxic. As a parent I did everything I could to be neurodivergency affirming - celebrating our many strengths while at the same time acknowledging our very real challenges. Maybe this is why I am being blamed due to the disconnect between the shame in society and my neuro-affirming approach? As my adult child has estranged from me it is sadly not possible to have these conversations. And I can see how a narrative in which I embody evil can feel protective against any shame. And I think I can safely assume or at least guess that the situations you refer to are likely to have happened. Meanwhile I have to find a way to move forward in my life with this grief.

     I really don’t know if I should try to reach out again and what I can say that will not enflame things. I have tried apologising, written letters of apology and offered opportunities for them to express all their feelings and thoughts to me witch me just listening and affirming . But my child says no they are too angry with me for that. And what about my feelings and needs. I matter too. I really don’t know what to do. 

Children
  • in reply to Nexus11

    Thank you again for sharing your open hearted and very helpful insights and the benefits of your lived experiences. I feel better for your words. In the world of estrangement, neurodivergencey is not really addressed in how it affects the dynamics. I am not looking to take sides or ascribe blame but need to try to understand more in order to make informed responses. Yes trauma and neurosis can be fixed which is reassuring potentially but I think my child may be too invested in retaining me as the villain as it allows complete avoidance of accountability, which may be attractive. I remember being a bit that way too when I was younger. 

  • in reply to Applecake27

    Alas it may be an autistic thing to be unable to see you in shades of grey rather than black or white, or either a hero or a villain. I too think that the issues lie with your daughter rather than any specific that you have done. How old is she? 

    I did end up being estranged from my parents, most particularly around the milennium when the autism thing resurfaced after another fsmily member csme under the spotlight. It reopened too many old wounds and I felt my life choices were being called into question again because of all the horrible literature at the time about mind blindness and lack of empathy amd so on. There was a massive row anyway, amd whilst after a couple of years I did see them again, I was never as close as all that with my mother again. 

    There was moderate dysfunction within my family anyway and I never really felt there was enough honesty when growing up about what might be up with me, and I think it left my family in the dark too. I might be all right if guided intp a nice safe job, nice safe marriage, blah blah, but then I graduated in 1881...Then in my 30's I accidentally caught sight of my medical notes...... 

    That is why I would suspect there may  be shame over something that after all is said to be lifelong. Whereas trauma and neuroses are things that can be fixed....