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Estranged from adult child

Applecake27

My adult child has an autism 1 diagnosis. They struggled considerably during childhood and the diagnosis enabled me to fight for educational adjustments and thanks to this and my child’s amazing ability and tenacity they have done very well. 

I am also autistic, late diagnosed,  which helps me I think have more insight although of course everyone is different. But in my current situation my insight is failing me which is why I am hoping someone here can help me both understand better and find the most appropriate way to communicate, so long as doing so causes no harm. 

My child estranged from me a number of years ago during a difficult period when I was critically ill. It must have been hard for them to not know if I would survive. They are extremely angry with me for allowing an autism diagnosis to take place during childhood and accuse me of fabricating their needs. They feel that their autistic traits are a result of the childhood trauma of receiving an autism diagnosis, for which I am responsible. No concern was expressed at all about my critical illness, which I accept as I understand that when in emotional pain it’s hard to see the pain in others. 

I respect my child’s view  but am having difficulty letting go as sadly the love bond is too strong. The years are passing and my grief is not resolving, even with therapy help. 

When I read up on ideas on how to try to reconnect from estrangement, what I am seeing does not seem to address where neurodiversity is in the mix. I am autistic and my child may or may not be as their diagnosis may be wrong as they believe, but assuming they have ASD traits l would really appreciate ideas on how best to reach out in an autistic-friendly non confrontational manner.  

Please, please, please be kind in any comments even if you think I am wrong or bad. Other than allowing the autism assessment to take place and fighting for school adjustments I have never abused my child in any way.  I had no idea that allowing an autism diagnosis was abuse until my child explained this to me. I also recognise that I am far from perfect, struggle with poor self esteem and anxiety and these things may have affected my abilities as a mom, but I loved with all my heart and did the best I could. 

Has anyone ever been able to forgive a parent for allowing an assessment they later disagreed with? 

Parents

  • Hello.

    I don't think you did anything wrong. You cared and did what you thought was best. That is what you are supposed to do. I think you are blaming yourself too much.

    Your child's anger and frustration is their issue.  I know this sounds blunt. They need to look at themselves. You can't manage other people's emotions.

    A diagnosis is not given without evidence, so there must have been good reason. You didn't diagnose them.

    As far as I know a diagnosis shouldn't hold you back. You can still achieve what you want to achieve. It is a means to understand yourself better and not burn out. Without help they may have done worse. If their frustration is at being othered or bullied, that may well have occurred anyway. What do they think would have been different? They may be looking for something to blame for them not achieving what they want.

    They have clearly not accepted their diagnosis. When they are significantly stressed or get burnout perhaps they will then see that they do have challenges. Perhaps they will be lucky and not be on an environment where it causes real challenges, but probably not.

    They also don't have to tell anyone as an adult of any diagnosis. They could always get re-assessed privately if it is that much of a problem.

    I think all you can hope is that time will allow them to get a fuller perspective. Parents are humans too, they can only do their best.

    You need to be kind to yourself, in my opinion and not judge yourself by impossible retrospective standards. I know this is hard, particularly if you are emotionally fragile at the moment.

Reply

  • Hello.

    I don't think you did anything wrong. You cared and did what you thought was best. That is what you are supposed to do. I think you are blaming yourself too much.

    Your child's anger and frustration is their issue.  I know this sounds blunt. They need to look at themselves. You can't manage other people's emotions.

    A diagnosis is not given without evidence, so there must have been good reason. You didn't diagnose them.

    As far as I know a diagnosis shouldn't hold you back. You can still achieve what you want to achieve. It is a means to understand yourself better and not burn out. Without help they may have done worse. If their frustration is at being othered or bullied, that may well have occurred anyway. What do they think would have been different? They may be looking for something to blame for them not achieving what they want.

    They have clearly not accepted their diagnosis. When they are significantly stressed or get burnout perhaps they will then see that they do have challenges. Perhaps they will be lucky and not be on an environment where it causes real challenges, but probably not.

    They also don't have to tell anyone as an adult of any diagnosis. They could always get re-assessed privately if it is that much of a problem.

    I think all you can hope is that time will allow them to get a fuller perspective. Parents are humans too, they can only do their best.

    You need to be kind to yourself, in my opinion and not judge yourself by impossible retrospective standards. I know this is hard, particularly if you are emotionally fragile at the moment.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I just wanted to say I agree wholeheartedly with Stuart333's reply, I don't think you've done anything wrong by caring.

    It must hurt incredibly to be estranged from your child for trying to help and support them. It's all you want for them as a parent, and I can't imagine what you're going through. 

    Maybe at some point they'll decide to go for therapy and work through these emotions. This is all internal to them, and there isn't a lot anyone can do unless they choose to seek help themselves. The best thing you can do is look after yourself so you can be there if they do decide to reach out to you again. 

    Wishing you well just now.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you so much for this kind and affirming reply. I think I am internalising what was said to me. I know my intentions were to support and intervention was essential at the time for my child to thrive. At the time of diagnosis my child was 100% in support of it.  They also of course have the right to change their mind and to identify as neurotypical if they wish to. I’ll respect that. I just cannot move on from the grief of the loss of my beloved child and have no idea how to recover but your words have really helped. I probably need to tackle the self blame first and then the grief. Losing a child is the worse thing I can imagine. I try to think positively about other areas of life, but cannot seem to move part it - maybe I have some sort of autistic block.