Abrupt Ending of 15 year marriage - can anyone help me to understand

That's a lot to cope with and is very familiar to me, as I've just been diagnosed with autistic burnout by GP for the first time since ASD diagnosis- Ive had it all my life but had no idea what was causing it until recently. I live in a constant state of fight, or flight and have all the chronics: insomnia, fatigue, stress... Really want to manage it and stop getting overwhelmed by everything.

Remember that communication differences, taking things literally, masking, lack of boundaries, etc. create distance and misunderstandings that over time snowball and build resentment in a relationship. Being vulnerable and honest can be very hard. I now know how to do it, but it has taken a long time to learn.

If other pressures come along burn out can appear. This affects thinking and emotional processing. Trying to figure absolutely everything out (like I wanted to) may not be possible. But you want enough to be able to stop the thoughts.

If you replayed every conversation, looked for what you said wrong, or worried about what to say to prevent a reaction (i.e. managing the other persons emotions), this is exhausting.

This is so insightful, I am only recently diagnosed ASD and at 44 am desperately trying to understand myself, this helps make a little sense of what I have always felt is the craziness in my head, thank you.

I'm sorry you have been through so much,  I hope you are feeling happier now.

If you've been dealing with narcarssits all your life, no wonder you feel as you do. Everything gets totally warped and twisted with them.

You go and have as many opinions as you want, you don't have to justify them or explain them unless you want to, you can discuss them instead which is different and will expand the way you think, you go for it

HiTheCatWoman 

Thankyou for your response.

I think you are correct about people changing over time and I have experienced that too but it is a very different situation to being inside relationships where manipulation is a real problem and you can’t see it. I don’t want to label people but I think narcissistic tendencies are involved with my mum and my husband, which is unfortunate because they refuse to accept that anything is wrong.

I am only just realising at 55 that I don’t have to give to receive which hit me like an avalanche also that I can have an opinion without having to justify it and explain why.  This all feels quite alien to me but I’m feeling my way through it.

I have got Octopus Energy App now so I feel like it’s going to be manageable for me.

Hi Lonehare, sorry you're having all this trouble, but one thing I want to share with you, is that I'm not sure autism makes you blind to things as much as things build up over time and things that we once found endearing in an other can become deeply irritating and feel abusive. I'm not trying to lessen any abuse you've suffered, just trying to point out that often relationships start good and then change, we take each other for granted, things that initially seem OK or even helpful become infantilising. Some people like being in control and will not give it up, a fried who's husband died a year or so ago didn't even know who they got their electricity from because her husband always took care of it and wouldn't tell her or their children even in his last weeks. It's an awful situation to be in, but there's so much help out there for people in your situation and things like direct debits can make bills so much easier.

Thank you so much for this I have put a rough guess down on paper but I’m finding I keep adding things up in my head over and over again. Maybe when I’ve got a couple of months under my belt I’ll be able to settle down a bit.

I think that's a brilliant idea, to go back to uni.

Obviously you need to think about and work on what you could of done differently, I just don't think it's always a good idea to take on this much responsibility for relationship failings when there's two of you in this situation and he has yet to take any responsibility for anything and has dumped all this stuff on you. I just wonder if you are still doing the emotional labour for him, in trying to sort out what went wrong? I know that suddenly losing a relationship like this is similar to someone dying and the stages of grieving a relationship are often similar, but you need to give him his portion of responsibility too or it will give you emotional indigestion later. 

Hugs back at ya

Thanks TheCatWoman you are right of course - and your advice is always so wise and always much appreciated.  However,  I think that I need to look at my behaviour and whether i could have done things differently just so that i dont repeat the same mistakes.  I need to be honest with myself through exploring what went wrong as far as I can.  I thought i knew my husbands autism and his needs but maybe I did not.   Of course, it would be useful to have my husbands input but i dont think that he will be able to provide that.  Sending you a very grateful hug for your support. 

Perhaps the only good thing to come out of this whole event is that I plan to go back to uni to do a post grad Counselling Course with a view to exploring whether I could support non neurotypical couples in their relationships.  It is only a fledgling idea at the moment but as a forward path to personal growth it feels like it would be good for me.  

 Stuart333 I am so sorry you experienced such a frightening time in your life Stuart.  I hope you never have to experience any thing like it again.  Everyone deserves above all to feel safe x

Yes indeed, your last paragraph absolutely nails it. I think with hindsight, the autism made me a target right through my life (Im 68 now). I just didn’t get most jokes, had no clue about NT subtexts, and took things very literally. As a result I offended people, couldn’t fit in with groups and just generally found the people part of living extremely difficult. So they in return bullied me then abused me. Its just my opinion but I think being autistic raises the likelihood if being abused, at least if we aren’t excellent at masking. 

Later in my life Ive developed fibromyalgia and one contributing cause is ongoing sleep deprivation, well having regular trauma induced nightmares certainly causes sleep deprivation. And as Ive suggested the trauma came from not fitting into the NT world, ultimately for me autism is at the root of the fibromyalgia 

Alice

Lonehare12 said:

I haven’t dealt with bills or anything and it’s going to be tight financially

There are lots of hints, tips and free tools to be found here:

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/budgeting-debt-help/

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/mental-health-guide/

https://www.moneyandmentalhealth.org/

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/finance-money-and-benefits

https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/what-we-do/training/managing-money

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/budgeting1/

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/cost-of-living/

Everyone is different, but I do find using a really simple (summary, or overview) budget and accounts spreadsheet "saves the day". 

It helps me to track regular things I must do across the year, plus, things which I would like to save up towards doing someday.

At some public libraries you can book to speak with someone with IT skills to maybe help you get familiar with setting up a basic spreadsheet. which might have an icon such as "New Sheet".

Some Android Smartphones have a spreadsheet app (which might have an icon such as "New Sheet").

On a laptop, or PC, I use the (free) LibreOffice version of spreadsheet software (similar to Microsoft Excel) which is called "Calc".

An example of what I value about using a spreadsheet rather than a paper cashbook / ledger - it is quicker to find things, or filter types of things.

Thank you for your kind words.

I was just suggesting when the anxiety and pressure build up and you can't get away, you end up with fear. Fear when you can't escape, such as in a home, is the problem, it causes trauma like symptoms . Fear is a primal instinct.

What I have learnt is that fawning is a problem. If you can't be yourself or don't feel safe, you can't continue. Even if your rational brain says it is ok, your nervous system can be out thought. I tried it. Drinking masks it. You have to find a way to be calm. Else you burn out or break or both. And burn out, with a dysfunctional nervous system, makes it worse.

Psychological and emotional abuse or neglect is hard. You doubt yourself and blame yourself even years later. It shapes your actions without you really understanding or even noticing.

I think ASD itself is not too bad, but it is the things it makes you to susceptible to that is the problem. It is why the environment makes all the difference. 

Wise words.

I never realised my relationship’s were abusive but now I know it’s blindingly obvious to me. It’s hard to believe that I could have been so wrong about things.

Hi Stuart

Something I have come to believe about trauma is that we cannot compare any person to another in terms of “worseness”, in degrees of abuse, I remember the first time it was raised as a possibility and the psychiatrist who talked to me about it. Id never believed that my experiences were abuse, a good friend at that time had experienced serious sexual abuse from a step parent as a child, that was abuse in my mind, not my life. The psychiatrist explained about emotional abuse which was my repeated experience, and that for me the consequences were as bad as for my friend. To an outsider her being physically abused is far worse than what I experienced, that hideous phrase I was lectured with by my mum “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, what a dreadful lie to feed a child. 

So what Im trying to say we can only be 100% traumatised, your fear and hypervigilence and walking on eggshells is as valid and painful as mine and my friends and so many others.

Thanks for replying and if possible, try not minimise what has happened to you, your struggle is as valid as mine, as valid as anyone’s 

Alice

I am not claiming I am the same, I am sure you were worse.

In my burn out and with my inconsistent and unpredictable partner, at.times I was scared I was going to be stabbed. I don't know if this was rational or possible, but it felt like it. The heightened threat response, walking on eggshells, hypervigilance, inability to relax at home at times became a real problem.

I now realise the the problem was probably stress. I was doing too.mucy and not sleeping enough. But undiagnosed you don't understand. The threat response is hard to override. I had to be alone in the end. It never made sense really.

Hind sight is alway 20/20 vision, there may have been signs that he was trying to tell you something, but if you weren't picking up on them, then he needed to raise his signals a bit higher and more clearly.

Why is it so many relationships fall when one partner has stuff going on? Why does the other not step up and help? Why are women expected to do all the emotional labour in a family and go through their own stuff alone, if they are allowed to have any at all.

I've got to be honest, having read your posts from the begining that I don't really think you have much to blame yourself for. A relationship is two people relating, you can take it in turns, you can just do it together, but one dosen't do all the relating and the other hoovers it up without offering anything in return.

Hi Alice-nice-Alice   Thank you so very much for your reply.  I really appreciate it as i now feel that my husband went through a similar experience. I hope you are getting the best support for your C-PTSD as i have some experience of seeing how difficult it can be and my heart goes out to you and anyone experiencing it.

I can now see that, looking back, there were signs that he was trying to communicate something but i would have had to look very carefully and unfortunately I was going through my own ADHD assessment and then diagnosis and it was very difficult for me - i blame myself for not seeing that he was struggling but i am also aware that he had the opportunity at times to say something but did not.  We had a fifteen year relationship and a large part was wonderful - i think things were more difficult in later years but i had no idea I had ADHD as i masked well and managed my professional life without too much difficulty. 

What i did not know was that when i hit menopause the symptoms were terrible for me and i now know that for women with ADHD symptoms become much more evident as both menopause and ADHD are affected by the same chemical differences.  I was only diagnosed seven weeks before he left. It is profoundly sad for me that i am now getting support from an ADHD counsellor and I have started my ADHD medication as of this morning and already i can see that I am managing things better. Having the diagnosis and gaining an understanding of my difficulties has been life changing, but it also prompted a period where I was very low of mood and a great deal of mental ruminations - it was during this that my husband left. 

I've met my husband once face to face during this, and i was able to tell him that I could see that he was trying but that ADHD prevented me from tracking it and seeing it.  i was able to wish him happiness and was supportive when he told me he had bought a new flat so at least I can be sure that he is not terrified of me.  I was also able to tell him I hope that in any future relationships that he finds a way of communicating his needs and feelings - because he was a great partner and because he deserves to be happy.  As he moved so quickly to get things ended and solicitors letters were - as they were for you - absolutely brutal and heart breaking,  i have paused the legal process while i get myself support form my ADHD including the medication i now know that i need to stop the constant noise in my head ( its like being in a room with ten TV's all with different channels playing). It might take several months to get me on the best medication and to get the dose right right and he is aware of this.  I am concerned that for someone who needs to get closure this period of inaction might be difficult but I risk my own health being compromised and I am aware that he has what he needs to build his new life and he has his family to support him. I also have hopes that the next few months might allow him to find calm and prevent him from placing me and our relationship firmly in a box of fear - i would like him to be able to look back and see the joy and support and love we shared. 

i am glad you now realise that in any relationship there is never one side at fault - finding a way to ensure that both sides have their feelings and thoughts and wants heard is, i think, the only way for any relationship to survive.  The difficulty is that unless expressly factored in as part of the structure of that relationship it can get lost in the noise of life as it did with me and my other half. I am starting to come to terms with the facts from my side -  that  it was not that i did not care, or that I was incapable of change or of navigating his needs, it is that he did not tell me despite evidence that i was going through my own difficulties - but i appreciate you explaining in your post that, for him,  the pressure was building over a long time. Thanks for the support i am getting for my own neurodivergence, I can also appreciate that ADHD (as well as other stressors present at the time)  is the reason I stopped being so receptive and so aware of his needs and I am working on forgiving myself for that. 

I have now finally reached the point where i have no hope of any connection going forwards - hard as that may be to face.  I wish that we could have found a way to build a different relationship from this point but I do not think that there is any evidence to support that and it is very painful for me to process that realisation - i honestly think i will miss him for the rest of my life. 

Once again,  thank you so very much for reaching out to share and to support me - your help is very much appreciated xx