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Abrupt Ending of 15 year marriage - can anyone help me to understand

googlefox

Hi all,  a number of you have very kindly helped me recently when i was in the early days of my husband suddenly ending our fifteen year marriage.  I am still navigating it and I am finding it really hard. We have essentially not communicated and he wants everything to go through the solicitors.   Is there anyone who has suddenly ended a relationship who might be able to tell me how it is 'from the other side'.  There were (to me) no obvious signs other than I was aware that we were both experiencing stress.  I had just had my own diagnosis and I was reeling from that. iIn retrospect i can see that we had a 'perfect storm' of stressors and I feel terrible that I did not see the signs that he was struggling.    I know if is a big ask but i would very much appreciate anyone willing to share either in a private message or on here, what the mechanism was and whether there is any hope of any kind reconnection somewhere in the future?  I miss my husband terribly - i miss his friendship more than i can say.  I know that everyone on here is an individual and it might not be the same for everyone but i am desperate to have more of an understanding of the situation.  I would very much appreciate any help. 

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  • Hi googlefox.

    I have been on the other side of your situation at the end one relationship and several friendships, in none of these cases was I aware I was autistic but it will most certainly have been a significant factor. I walked out on my first marriage and communicated only through solicitors and my mother as you are experiencing. The breakdown had been long in the making but at no point did I challenge the behaviour I was on the the receiving end of, it was all internalised. Then as the proverbial pressure cooker it went BOOM. 

    The reason I only communicated via my mother and solicitor is that I was completely terrified, I (incorrectly) blamed myself for everything, and having come down from the overwhelm and meltdown could not face the likelihood of being attacked (as I thought / expected) by my ex. I had the most dreadful letters from their solicitor (which supported my beliefs) one of which caused me to collapse in shock. 

    The fear  never went away, my mind failed to process it all and being diagnosed with c-ptsd was the inevitable result. The autism diagnosis preceded the c-ptsd diagnosis and which followed my fourth (nearly successful) suicide attempt

    Im sorry this is mixed up and so negative, everything was and remains unresolved 

    Alice

  • in reply to Alice-nice-Alice

    I am not claiming I am the same, I am sure you were worse.

    In my burn out and with my inconsistent and unpredictable partner, at.times I was scared I was going to be stabbed. I don't know if this was rational or possible, but it felt like it. The heightened threat response, walking on eggshells, hypervigilance, inability to relax at home at times became a real problem.

    I now realise the the problem was probably stress. I was doing too.mucy and not sleeping enough. But undiagnosed you don't understand. The threat response is hard to override. I had to be alone in the end. It never made sense really.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi Stuart

    Something I have come to believe about trauma is that we cannot compare any person to another in terms of “worseness”, in degrees of abuse, I remember the first time it was raised as a possibility and the psychiatrist who talked to me about it. Id never believed that my experiences were abuse, a good friend at that time had experienced serious sexual abuse from a step parent as a child, that was abuse in my mind, not my life. The psychiatrist explained about emotional abuse which was my repeated experience, and that for me the consequences were as bad as for my friend. To an outsider her being physically abused is far worse than what I experienced, that hideous phrase I was lectured with by my mum “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, what a dreadful lie to feed a child. 

    So what Im trying to say we can only be 100% traumatised, your fear and hypervigilence and walking on eggshells is as valid and painful as mine and my friends and so many others.

    Thanks for replying and if possible, try not minimise what has happened to you, your struggle is as valid as mine, as valid as anyone’s 

    Alice

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  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi Stuart

    Something I have come to believe about trauma is that we cannot compare any person to another in terms of “worseness”, in degrees of abuse, I remember the first time it was raised as a possibility and the psychiatrist who talked to me about it. Id never believed that my experiences were abuse, a good friend at that time had experienced serious sexual abuse from a step parent as a child, that was abuse in my mind, not my life. The psychiatrist explained about emotional abuse which was my repeated experience, and that for me the consequences were as bad as for my friend. To an outsider her being physically abused is far worse than what I experienced, that hideous phrase I was lectured with by my mum “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, what a dreadful lie to feed a child. 

    So what Im trying to say we can only be 100% traumatised, your fear and hypervigilence and walking on eggshells is as valid and painful as mine and my friends and so many others.

    Thanks for replying and if possible, try not minimise what has happened to you, your struggle is as valid as mine, as valid as anyone’s 

    Alice

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