Abrupt Ending of 15 year marriage - can anyone help me to understand

Hi googlefox.

I have been on the other side of your situation at the end one relationship and several friendships, in none of these cases was I aware I was autistic but it will most certainly have been a significant factor. I walked out on my first marriage and communicated only through solicitors and my mother as you are experiencing. The breakdown had been long in the making but at no point did I challenge the behaviour I was on the the receiving end of, it was all internalised. Then as the proverbial pressure cooker it went BOOM. 

The reason I only communicated via my mother and solicitor is that I was completely terrified, I (incorrectly) blamed myself for everything, and having come down from the overwhelm and meltdown could not face the likelihood of being attacked (as I thought / expected) by my ex. I had the most dreadful letters from their solicitor (which supported my beliefs) one of which caused me to collapse in shock. 

The fear  never went away, my mind failed to process it all and being diagnosed with c-ptsd was the inevitable result. The autism diagnosis preceded the c-ptsd diagnosis and which followed my fourth (nearly successful) suicide attempt

Im sorry this is mixed up and so negative, everything was and remains unresolved 

Alice

Hi Alice-nice-Alice   Thank you so very much for your reply.  I really appreciate it as i now feel that my husband went through a similar experience. I hope you are getting the best support for your C-PTSD as i have some experience of seeing how difficult it can be and my heart goes out to you and anyone experiencing it.

I can now see that, looking back, there were signs that he was trying to communicate something but i would have had to look very carefully and unfortunately I was going through my own ADHD assessment and then diagnosis and it was very difficult for me - i blame myself for not seeing that he was struggling but i am also aware that he had the opportunity at times to say something but did not.  We had a fifteen year relationship and a large part was wonderful - i think things were more difficult in later years but i had no idea I had ADHD as i masked well and managed my professional life without too much difficulty. 

What i did not know was that when i hit menopause the symptoms were terrible for me and i now know that for women with ADHD symptoms become much more evident as both menopause and ADHD are affected by the same chemical differences.  I was only diagnosed seven weeks before he left. It is profoundly sad for me that i am now getting support from an ADHD counsellor and I have started my ADHD medication as of this morning and already i can see that I am managing things better. Having the diagnosis and gaining an understanding of my difficulties has been life changing, but it also prompted a period where I was very low of mood and a great deal of mental ruminations - it was during this that my husband left. 

I've met my husband once face to face during this, and i was able to tell him that I could see that he was trying but that ADHD prevented me from tracking it and seeing it.  i was able to wish him happiness and was supportive when he told me he had bought a new flat so at least I can be sure that he is not terrified of me.  I was also able to tell him I hope that in any future relationships that he finds a way of communicating his needs and feelings - because he was a great partner and because he deserves to be happy.  As he moved so quickly to get things ended and solicitors letters were - as they were for you - absolutely brutal and heart breaking,  i have paused the legal process while i get myself support form my ADHD including the medication i now know that i need to stop the constant noise in my head ( its like being in a room with ten TV's all with different channels playing). It might take several months to get me on the best medication and to get the dose right right and he is aware of this.  I am concerned that for someone who needs to get closure this period of inaction might be difficult but I risk my own health being compromised and I am aware that he has what he needs to build his new life and he has his family to support him. I also have hopes that the next few months might allow him to find calm and prevent him from placing me and our relationship firmly in a box of fear - i would like him to be able to look back and see the joy and support and love we shared. 

i am glad you now realise that in any relationship there is never one side at fault - finding a way to ensure that both sides have their feelings and thoughts and wants heard is, i think, the only way for any relationship to survive.  The difficulty is that unless expressly factored in as part of the structure of that relationship it can get lost in the noise of life as it did with me and my other half. I am starting to come to terms with the facts from my side -  that  it was not that i did not care, or that I was incapable of change or of navigating his needs, it is that he did not tell me despite evidence that i was going through my own difficulties - but i appreciate you explaining in your post that, for him,  the pressure was building over a long time. Thanks for the support i am getting for my own neurodivergence, I can also appreciate that ADHD (as well as other stressors present at the time)  is the reason I stopped being so receptive and so aware of his needs and I am working on forgiving myself for that. 

I have now finally reached the point where i have no hope of any connection going forwards - hard as that may be to face.  I wish that we could have found a way to build a different relationship from this point but I do not think that there is any evidence to support that and it is very painful for me to process that realisation - i honestly think i will miss him for the rest of my life. 

Once again,  thank you so very much for reaching out to share and to support me - your help is very much appreciated xx 

Hind sight is alway 20/20 vision, there may have been signs that he was trying to tell you something, but if you weren't picking up on them, then he needed to raise his signals a bit higher and more clearly.

Why is it so many relationships fall when one partner has stuff going on? Why does the other not step up and help? Why are women expected to do all the emotional labour in a family and go through their own stuff alone, if they are allowed to have any at all.

I've got to be honest, having read your posts from the begining that I don't really think you have much to blame yourself for. A relationship is two people relating, you can take it in turns, you can just do it together, but one dosen't do all the relating and the other hoovers it up without offering anything in return.

Hind sight is alway 20/20 vision, there may have been signs that he was trying to tell you something, but if you weren't picking up on them, then he needed to raise his signals a bit higher and more clearly.

Why is it so many relationships fall when one partner has stuff going on? Why does the other not step up and help? Why are women expected to do all the emotional labour in a family and go through their own stuff alone, if they are allowed to have any at all.

I've got to be honest, having read your posts from the begining that I don't really think you have much to blame yourself for. A relationship is two people relating, you can take it in turns, you can just do it together, but one dosen't do all the relating and the other hoovers it up without offering anything in return.