Abrupt Ending of 15 year marriage - can anyone help me to understand

Hi googlefox.

I have been on the other side of your situation at the end one relationship and several friendships, in none of these cases was I aware I was autistic but it will most certainly have been a significant factor. I walked out on my first marriage and communicated only through solicitors and my mother as you are experiencing. The breakdown had been long in the making but at no point did I challenge the behaviour I was on the the receiving end of, it was all internalised. Then as the proverbial pressure cooker it went BOOM. 

The reason I only communicated via my mother and solicitor is that I was completely terrified, I (incorrectly) blamed myself for everything, and having come down from the overwhelm and meltdown could not face the likelihood of being attacked (as I thought / expected) by my ex. I had the most dreadful letters from their solicitor (which supported my beliefs) one of which caused me to collapse in shock. 

The fear  never went away, my mind failed to process it all and being diagnosed with c-ptsd was the inevitable result. The autism diagnosis preceded the c-ptsd diagnosis and which followed my fourth (nearly successful) suicide attempt

Im sorry this is mixed up and so negative, everything was and remains unresolved 

Alice

I am not claiming I am the same, I am sure you were worse.

In my burn out and with my inconsistent and unpredictable partner, at.times I was scared I was going to be stabbed. I don't know if this was rational or possible, but it felt like it. The heightened threat response, walking on eggshells, hypervigilance, inability to relax at home at times became a real problem.

I now realise the the problem was probably stress. I was doing too.mucy and not sleeping enough. But undiagnosed you don't understand. The threat response is hard to override. I had to be alone in the end. It never made sense really.

Hi Stuart

Something I have come to believe about trauma is that we cannot compare any person to another in terms of “worseness”, in degrees of abuse, I remember the first time it was raised as a possibility and the psychiatrist who talked to me about it. Id never believed that my experiences were abuse, a good friend at that time had experienced serious sexual abuse from a step parent as a child, that was abuse in my mind, not my life. The psychiatrist explained about emotional abuse which was my repeated experience, and that for me the consequences were as bad as for my friend. To an outsider her being physically abused is far worse than what I experienced, that hideous phrase I was lectured with by my mum “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me”, what a dreadful lie to feed a child. 

So what Im trying to say we can only be 100% traumatised, your fear and hypervigilence and walking on eggshells is as valid and painful as mine and my friends and so many others.

Thanks for replying and if possible, try not minimise what has happened to you, your struggle is as valid as mine, as valid as anyone’s 

Alice

Yes indeed, your last paragraph absolutely nails it. I think with hindsight, the autism made me a target right through my life (Im 68 now). I just didn’t get most jokes, had no clue about NT subtexts, and took things very literally. As a result I offended people, couldn’t fit in with groups and just generally found the people part of living extremely difficult. So they in return bullied me then abused me. Its just my opinion but I think being autistic raises the likelihood if being abused, at least if we aren’t excellent at masking. 

Later in my life Ive developed fibromyalgia and one contributing cause is ongoing sleep deprivation, well having regular trauma induced nightmares certainly causes sleep deprivation. And as Ive suggested the trauma came from not fitting into the NT world, ultimately for me autism is at the root of the fibromyalgia 

Alice

Thank you for your kind words.

I was just suggesting when the anxiety and pressure build up and you can't get away, you end up with fear. Fear when you can't escape, such as in a home, is the problem, it causes trauma like symptoms . Fear is a primal instinct.

What I have learnt is that fawning is a problem. If you can't be yourself or don't feel safe, you can't continue. Even if your rational brain says it is ok, your nervous system can be out thought. I tried it. Drinking masks it. You have to find a way to be calm. Else you burn out or break or both. And burn out, with a dysfunctional nervous system, makes it worse.

Psychological and emotional abuse or neglect is hard. You doubt yourself and blame yourself even years later. It shapes your actions without you really understanding or even noticing.

I think ASD itself is not too bad, but it is the things it makes you to susceptible to that is the problem. It is why the environment makes all the difference. 

Thank you for your kind words.

I was just suggesting when the anxiety and pressure build up and you can't get away, you end up with fear. Fear when you can't escape, such as in a home, is the problem, it causes trauma like symptoms . Fear is a primal instinct.

What I have learnt is that fawning is a problem. If you can't be yourself or don't feel safe, you can't continue. Even if your rational brain says it is ok, your nervous system can be out thought. I tried it. Drinking masks it. You have to find a way to be calm. Else you burn out or break or both. And burn out, with a dysfunctional nervous system, makes it worse.

Psychological and emotional abuse or neglect is hard. You doubt yourself and blame yourself even years later. It shapes your actions without you really understanding or even noticing.

I think ASD itself is not too bad, but it is the things it makes you to susceptible to that is the problem. It is why the environment makes all the difference. 

Yes indeed, your last paragraph absolutely nails it. I think with hindsight, the autism made me a target right through my life (Im 68 now). I just didn’t get most jokes, had no clue about NT subtexts, and took things very literally. As a result I offended people, couldn’t fit in with groups and just generally found the people part of living extremely difficult. So they in return bullied me then abused me. Its just my opinion but I think being autistic raises the likelihood if being abused, at least if we aren’t excellent at masking. 

Later in my life Ive developed fibromyalgia and one contributing cause is ongoing sleep deprivation, well having regular trauma induced nightmares certainly causes sleep deprivation. And as Ive suggested the trauma came from not fitting into the NT world, ultimately for me autism is at the root of the fibromyalgia 

Alice