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Abrupt Ending of 15 year marriage - can anyone help me to understand

googlefox

Hi all,  a number of you have very kindly helped me recently when i was in the early days of my husband suddenly ending our fifteen year marriage.  I am still navigating it and I am finding it really hard. We have essentially not communicated and he wants everything to go through the solicitors.   Is there anyone who has suddenly ended a relationship who might be able to tell me how it is 'from the other side'.  There were (to me) no obvious signs other than I was aware that we were both experiencing stress.  I had just had my own diagnosis and I was reeling from that. iIn retrospect i can see that we had a 'perfect storm' of stressors and I feel terrible that I did not see the signs that he was struggling.    I know if is a big ask but i would very much appreciate anyone willing to share either in a private message or on here, what the mechanism was and whether there is any hope of any kind reconnection somewhere in the future?  I miss my husband terribly - i miss his friendship more than i can say.  I know that everyone on here is an individual and it might not be the same for everyone but i am desperate to have more of an understanding of the situation.  I would very much appreciate any help. 

Parents

  • Hi 

    I am sorry you are having to go through this. I appreciate how you are still trying to help others during your time of need it says a lot about you.

    Can you start to look after yourself and maybe tentatively see if you can find support and friendship from another source.

    I am trying to find some support and friendship elsewhere because I am currently struggling because my relationship has ended with my husband of 30 years but I was the one who decided that.

    My case is probably very different to the one that you are in, I only realised that a lot of what I was experiencing within my relationship wasn’t what it should have been through therapy…it was therapy that pointed me towards a AuDHD diagnosis too.

    It’s hard to explain but I think being autistic can make you blind to certain things but when you start to advocate for yourself within your relationships and expect others to respect and support you and they don’t want to accept you then you are forced almost to see how hollow and one sided the relationship is.

    Personally I would rather be alone I am very frightened about living alone I haven’t dealt with bills or anything and it’s going to be tight financially but I want peace that’s all and I think we all deserve that.

    It isn’t worth trying unless you both want it to work out and sometimes you can just be prolonging the pain. I’ve been there I used to just keep pushing my needs down.

    You both deserve peace.

    Sending you a virtual hug white heartHugging

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Hi Lonehare, sorry you're having all this trouble, but one thing I want to share with you, is that I'm not sure autism makes you blind to things as much as things build up over time and things that we once found endearing in an other can become deeply irritating and feel abusive. I'm not trying to lessen any abuse you've suffered, just trying to point out that often relationships start good and then change, we take each other for granted, things that initially seem OK or even helpful become infantilising. Some people like being in control and will not give it up, a fried who's husband died a year or so ago didn't even know who they got their electricity from because her husband always took care of it and wouldn't tell her or their children even in his last weeks. It's an awful situation to be in, but there's so much help out there for people in your situation and things like direct debits can make bills so much easier.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Hi 

    Thankyou for your response.

    I think you are correct about people changing over time and I have experienced that too but it is a very different situation to being inside relationships where manipulation is a real problem and you can’t see it. I don’t want to label people but I think narcissistic tendencies are involved with my mum and my husband, which is unfortunate because they refuse to accept that anything is wrong.

    I am only just realising at 55 that I don’t have to give to receive which hit me like an avalanche also that I can have an opinion without having to justify it and explain why.  This all feels quite alien to me but I’m feeling my way through it.

    I have got Octopus Energy App now so I feel like it’s going to be manageable for me.Octopus

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