Undiagnosed autistic husband

I’ve been following your thread, and your description of the emotional and functional weight you’re carrying really resonates with me. You mention feeling 'utterly alone' and exhausted while carrying the emotional map for both of you.

I recently read a piece by Bridgette Hamstead about 'The Performance of Goodness.' It talks about how some of us (especially those who identify as autistic, AuDHD, or live with CPTSD) are socialised to be the 'good daughter' or 'good partner' by suppressing our own needs to keep the peace.

She writes: 'They are the ones who notice when someone is upset, who intervene before arguments escalate, and who absorb tension in order to maintain peace. This labor is invisible and unreciprocated.' I wondered if you might see yourself in that description, not necessarily as a diagnosis, but as a way to help protect yourself from becoming burned out yourself. Please look after yourself. Best wishes.

open.substack.com/.../chapter-11-draft-good-daughter-good

I think you're handling this like a pro, Sarah.

The move's scary for him - those seven minutes feel like a lifetime when he's wired for "instant help" to his mom. But you're right: it's not logical, it's emotional. And you're not pushing - you're compromising, keeping it real.

My take? Lean into the predictability. Show him the timeline, let him "own" one tiny part (like picking where the blanket goes). When he says, "why not by mom?", just hug him and say: "I know it hurts. We're close enough - we'll make it work." No debate.

You're not the villain. You're the anchor. And yes, turn down everything else - music off, no big plans. Just breathe through it together.

Alexithymia is exactly what I've heard before!  Thank you for breaking it down like this because I understand this much better with the way you laid it out. Self checks I see are going to be a cornerstone for us. Our homework is going to be to enact that primarily plus the other items that everyone has explained (the perspectives are enormously helpful from all), while I think also treading lightly as we navigate this house move.

 He has a lot of fear moving into this new house because it's not in his family's zip code, plus he mentally ties new house with new job (no reason to,  he says he just does).  We agreed to table the job until we put out the fire in front of us since we're actively displaced from our apartment.   We've actually been looking at this new place for over a year,  and now that our current place is uninhabitable, we need to move... but I'm sure you can hear the urgency (=stress for him) in that situation.   We both compromised to proceed with this new place, (I agreed to move closer to live in his family's city,  he agreed to "put up" with living 20 min away from his family instead of 13 min) and yes those 7 min have cost him a lot of trepidation, and he still complains when stressed "why can't I live by my mom?"  He wants to be able to jump up and help at a moments notice,  and I'm sensitive to that,  but I don't think those 7 min will make that much of a difference,  and the house that's 13 min away from his mom extends my commute to my family (whom I also care for) considerably, which he acknowledges...So I'm hoping we can stay on the same page but also afraid some point in this process might make him meltdown again.  The best I can think of is to turn down the volume on other things while we go thru this objectively stressful situation 

This is so insightful, thank you again sincerely. I make sure we have at least one chill day per week,  though I think I'm seeing when I detect a "good day," items need to be suggested carefully and at a drip instead of a water hose,  which I can do. 

Something I don't know how to navigate are emergencies?  Unfortunately our apartment had a severe leak at 2am necessitating us to act quickly. He did not handle that well-- meltdown about how he can't deal with this because he has to get up for work at 6am.  That frustration is 1000% fair.  While I obviously didn't create the situation, he meltdown, and when I said we need to figure this out we need to do something,  then I became the enemy for..I don't even remember.  That night ended with me walking away from him fussing and figuring out the next step alone. And feeling alone.   For him, that situation triggered a week long referendum on all things that have bothered him for over a decade, and I was somehow the bad guy for things like "does your mom like me she doesn't invite me over."  He's coming out of that now,  has apologized.... but our place is uninhabitable and now we have to move to a new place.. more change=more stress and honestly I'm afraid of him crashing again.   How can I help him navigate emergencies (by definition,  no forewarning, stress inducing for him and for me too)?

I think this is invaluable, thank you again so much. There is a counselor that I've spoken to before that helped,  and he just started with his neurodivergent affirming counselor last week,  so I'm hoping this will help us break this cycle in addition to these poignant and insightful steps here.   Many many thanks truly. I am actively enacting these measures now

This is amazing, thank you. I'm actively enacting this now!  This week has been hard with work and family but he usually comes up a bit on Friday so I'm going to tailor the coding system and other items then,  gently,  casually and no pressure.   I truly do thank you and I appreciate this immensely 

You are welcome, glad to be of help.

I see there are other replies suggesting solutions to helping him perceive whether it's a good or bad day, so the only thing I will add to that is perhaps you could try observing him and seeing if you can identify things in his body language that signal he is not coping so well. For example, when I'm overloaded I can be very quiet and withdrawn, avoid eye contact, and sometimes just stare into space, not doing the things I would normally such as reading or playing a game. If you do notice things like this, it's better not to ask him anything and to just do things that meets his needs or takes stress off him, such as cooking the evening meal for you both. You could just gently say something like "I think you look tired today, so I'll cook/ wash up/ do the laundry", etc.

I'm very adamant that all couples should spend quality time together at least once a week, whatever neurotype they are. Relationships need to be worked on to be successful. So at least one evening where phones go off and you can "chillax" together. Perhaps you could schedule Saturday evenings for this, then use Sunday mornings for "planning for the future" sessions when you are both rested?

 If you need any more advice, don't hesitate to keep posting questions. 

I've just looked back at all the topics we have touched upon in our replies and realised it is a lot to take in. I think I would feel overwhelmed trying to choose priorities or decide what to do first. Perhaps the best focus right now is simply being very gentle with yourself and your husband.

It might also help to find a neuro-affirmative therapist who can support you in managing your own emotions and the situation. They could provide insights into what your husband is going through and how he might experience things. My own therapist is neurodivergent and has autistic children. Funnily enough, her experiences often give me ideas on how to approach my wife. I am not saying my wife is like a child, but seeing how someone else navigates a relationship with an autistic person acts as a compass or a rough map for me.

Autistic people often differ radically from each other, so what works for the majority might not be applicable to everyone. However, having a rough blueprint or a map can make navigating these relationships feel much more manageable.

Yeah... that's so common with alexithymia - it's like his internal radar's fuzzy, so he only clocks "bad day" after it's already red-alert. The trick is building that radar slowly, without making it feel like homework.

Here are gentle ways to help him notice - start tiny, green-zone only:

1. Zones of Regulation – super visual, low-effort Grab the free four-zone printable from zonesofregulation.com (English version's dead simple: Green = calm/good energy, Yellow = rising tension, Red = overload, Blue = drained). Print it, stick it on the fridge or his phone wallpaper. Morning ritual: "Quick scan - what zone are you in right now?" No explanation needed - just point. Over time, he'll link "tight chest" to Yellow before it blows up.

2. Body check-ins (Kelly Mahler style) She's got free printables - sign up at kelly-mahler.com/printable-resources for stuff like "30 Days of Interoception Activities" or "Noticing Out Loud" guides. One easy one: daily "body menu" card - pick from words like "heavy," "buzzing," "quiet." Say: "How's your body feeling? Pick one." It's like naming weather - neutral, not emotional. (She also sells a Body Check Ring with cards but start free.)

3. Energy accounting – treat it like a battery From autism burnout experts (like Dr. Alice Nicholls): List 3-4 energy types - physical (body), social (talking), cognitive (thinking). Morning: "On a 1-10, how full's your battery? Any category low?" Track after activities: "That chat drained me - next time, shorter." Partners introduce it as "our shared map" so he doesn't feel singled out.

4. Quick daily anchors

• Morning coffee: "Battery level? Any tension?"
• Evening wind-down: "What drained today? What recharged?" Model it: "I'm at 6/10 - shoulders tight." Makes it normal.

Praise any guess - even wrong: "Thanks for checking - that helps us both." No fixing, just noticing. Patterns emerge: he'll spot "after family call = Yellow" before meltdown.

You're giving him tools, not tests. When he says, "I'm low today," that's gold - your cue for calm talks.

Good luck. 

I think the impulse to change must come from within, but the challenge for an autistic person is that change often feels like losing control. For many of us, change means dismantling the logic that kept everything working and rebuilding everything from scratch. It is as dramatic as it sounds because some of us process things bottom up.

We don’t just take an idea for granted, we build it piece by piece from every detail we encounter. A life change, like a new job, requires building an entirely new mental map. It is the same with task switching, meeting new people or adapting to a new routine or environment. This takes massive energy that a person in burnout simply doesn't have. When energy is low, even choosing a new toothbrush or deciding what to drink when the coffee runs out can feel impossible.

To manage this, I personally use polyvagal theory (which is similar to the signal system mentioned earlier) to gauge energy and adjust demands, like making decisions or discussing the future:

Red: No demands at all. No important decisions. Complete rest.

Amber: A cautious between state.

Green: When some demands or discussions may be appropriate.

If your husband is in autistic burnout, his green state is likely much lower than his normal functionality. I’d suggest holding off on the "moving forward" talk until he recovers enough energy to even consider it. Changing his job is the logical goal (and likely a beneficial decision), but he has to reach a point where he feels safe enough first to make that decision himself.

To me, a safe harbor means being with him without trying to fix anything. An autistic person may just need to be listened to and understood. Advice on what to change may feel like one more demand too much. The current job may be killing him, but a forced change without the energy to process it could cause an even deeper crash. A total burnout can feel like a complete paralysis where doing anything at all becomes impossible.

What you might try is focusing on your own wellbeing and staying regulated yourself. This sends a powerful grounding signal. It's called co-regulation. If an autistic person cannot self regulate, having a partner who is calm and at peace is precious. We often feel deep guilt and shame when we don’t have the energy to function normally and can't reciprocate care or meet the expectations of others. Seeing that you are managing well and aren't waiting for him to "fix" himself may take a huge weight off his shoulders. And it can provide a sense of safety.

If I were in your place, I would reduce all demands, expectations, and plans for as long as necessary. I'd reassure him that he can take all the time he needs and that decisions can wait. By continuing your own life as fully as possible while keeping a quiet, non-pressured space for him, you become that safe harbor where he doesn't have to perform to be loved.

Burnout can feel like the end of the world, but there is a way out. It is a slow recovery that requires immense patience from those around us. Life afterward may look very different from what you expected before, but it can be a life that actually fits him, and hopefully it can still be something rewarding for you too.

I really feel for you. I am recovering from a deep burnout myself, and I am also in a similar situation with my wife as you are with your husband. I am crossing my fingers for you.

This is so helpful,  thank you. I agree 100% with creating a safe space. Sometimes it's hard for me to do that because when he feels bad and I somehow become the bad guy,  I feel like I need to correct him. My plan has been to calmly tell him, "I can tell your overwhelmed right now,  but we both know I didn't do xyz, so let's take 30 min to reset and then come back to this. "  Sometimes that works,  sometimes I get so emphatic in telling him how unfair it is that I become the bad guy and what's right that I don't do that (I'm working on that, it is hard), and sometimes he'll still try to argue or say it's too late to wait 30 min because he needs to sleep.  Is there any advice on creating a safe harbor for him while still being able to discuss things that come up that we need to be able to discuss?  

Thank you again

Thank you so much truly for this response, I truly appreciate it.   Sometimes it seems he is not really sure himself how he feels,  or he doesn't know it's a "bad day" until something comes up and he doesn't handle it well. Are there any ways I can help him be able to perceive whether today is a good day or bad day?  That will help me plan our joint discussions and things better so I know he's in the calm mind space.   Thank you again!

Thank you for your reply. I cannot tell you how much this means to me and how immensely helpful it is.  I am planning to go down your list with him when he's green again.   I have a follow up question-- he has a lot of (what I think is) shame around this. He seems to try to minimize what he deals with (and by extension,  what he needs) such that is taken some effort for me to even introduce what I have so far. When the counselor first recommended scheduling things,  for example,  his response was "nothing should be that hard, we don't need to do that. "  He doesn't want to think that his communication with his family is as much of a trigger as it is-- because he wants to be able to be there for them (one of them is fairly ill).  I guess my question is, how do I get him to see there is something for us to address with these steps?  There is a larger part of this where I think he will need to fully accept what he experiences and needs, and based on your response, I think probably the answer is to discuss it when he's in green zone and not low battery-- is that right?  Are there any other anti- shame things I can do to reassure him? Thank you again️

Your description of your husband reminds me so much of patterns I've seen in my own family. It sounds like he is hitting a wall where he becomes trapped, unable to move away from the situation that is hurting him.

I recently discussed this stuckness with my therapist. She suggested that when we feel safe, we can move, but when we are flooded with anxiety, even a small step into the unknown feels like a threat. For many autistic people, taking the same painful path feels safer than choosing an unknown and uncertain one, because we’ve often learnt that mistakes lead to rejection or failure. Treading carefully becomes a survival skill. Unfortunately it keeps us stuck at the same time.

When your husband is in overwhelm mode, his brain is possibly prioritising immediate survival over long term planning. My therapist mentioned that to help someone change, the priority has to be making them feel safe first, becoming a safe harbor where the pressure to decide is lowered until the nervous system calms down. I am still learning how to do this myself, but understanding that such rigidity may actually be a form of fear-based paralysis helps me feel less alone in those moments.

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties, married, and I believe that both of us are on the autism spectrum, so I understand your situation to some extent.

First of all, I understand how work can overload an autistic person - I've had it myself and seen it in my partner. When you are overloaded, trying to deal with anything else - such as applying for other jobs - can seem impossible, so I think your husband may be trying to pretend his present job is actually ok because he just doesn't have the energy left to pursue anything else. I think you already understand that.

Sometimes you need to take a break and reassess everything together and work out what will make you both happy. Is it possible for you both to take some time off work and spend a bit of peaceful time together doing that? If you can't take any days off work at the moment, plan to have a free day together at a weekend with no interruptions from friends or family.

Once you've agreed your goals, I suggest planning the best way to minimise stress while pursuing those goals when you return to work. You could offer to help him update his CV so that is then done and ready to send to prospective employers. He can also get registered with employment agencies and get job notifications set up so that he receives details of suitable positions. If he starts to get interview offers, that may then help him to feel more positive about the future.

You say he "has a schedule of what he wants to do and what he wants our life to look like" so that probably includes more than just him changing job, but it's probably best to change things one at a time. You could point out to him that once he's in a job that feels like a better fit, you can then both decide what other things you want to change, so working towards that together as a team is a good start.

I wish you both well.