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Undiagnosed autistic husband

Helpsarahthanks

Hello,  I hope this is a good place to seek some guidance,  I have read some really great advice that has provided some good insight. I am married to my autistic husband for going on 3 years now. My question is that I really really want to break the cycle we keep finding ourselves in.  Our disagreements are cyclical and identical.  He and I both have the same high pressure/ high function job,  and were in fact working at the same place.  It was too much for me so I left (a lot of us have left that place)  and now I have a version of it thats WFH and much more manageable. He, however, is still there.  He absolutely hates it. He complains everyday about long hours,  far from home (he says no be doesn't want to move into the city near his job bc he hates the city) his clients are entitled and stress him out,  etc.   He talks about changing jobs,  gets very passionate about "getting his act together and moving on so I can live my life", has a schedule of what he wants to do and what he wants ourlife to look like.. but herein lies the problem. This thinking exists when he's calm and ok. But when he gets burned out/overwhelmed  (? Shut down?) , his whole perception changes. He gets burned out and then all of that goes out the window. I've figured out (I think) that there are things like his family and this job that zaps so much of him,  that he's left with little energy to think about much else at all,  esp switching jobs.   So, as the week goes on (esp if there are any external stressors), when the topic of his job comes up again, he starts to minimize all this things he hates and complained about yesterday...saying it's awkward to leave jobs... how can he absolutely sure a new job will be better...and what if his clients miss him... justifies staying... "maybe it's not so bad".  Meanwhile he's in a very bad mood,  snapping, angry when I ask for what I see as small understandable things (like comfort me when I'm stressed instead of it always being me comforting you), unable to handle everyday tasks that annoy us all like dealing with an annoying neighbor.   He reacts strongly,  everything I say is somehow veiled criticism.  He gets extremely rigid and insists on unrealistic things that he acknowledges when not overwhelmed.  Whereas he's normally very emotionally aware and connected to me that way with amazing conversations ama insight for us both,  in times of overwhelm he looks at me like I make no sense if I express an emotion instead of just doing the thing in front of us.    He brings up things that stressed him over a decade ago that we talked about back then.  Etc.  When he comes out of overwhelm, he apologizes,  insists he needs to change his job... then rinse and repeat for next week/ couple of weeks..i am very exhausted.  I am very open to hearing him,  to working with him.  And he hears this,  he knows this. But when the overwhelm hits, he is someone different.  Also just to note, I do give him space,  and try to make sure stressful stuff is bought up at a time that's relatively calm (and not late).  To me it comes out of the blue.   The overwhelm modes are recurrent and I feel so utterly alone when the sweet man who is very emotionally connected with me becomes this person who acts like I'm not on his side and like we never had the conversation we just had two days ago.... I'm lost on what to do next.  I've come up with a schedule for him to have decompress time,  for him to visit his family (which he worries about)  etc.  We just got him an autism affirming counselor, but I'm really hoping for insight or advice from anyone who may know what he's going through so I can help.  When he's not overwhelmed he's so sweet and kind that his change when stressed really is disconcerting and I miss my husband.Thank you so much in advance. 

Parents

  • Your description of your husband reminds me so much of patterns I've seen in my own family. It sounds like he is hitting a wall where he becomes trapped, unable to move away from the situation that is hurting him.

    I recently discussed this stuckness with my therapist. She suggested that when we feel safe, we can move, but when we are flooded with anxiety, even a small step into the unknown feels like a threat. For many autistic people, taking the same painful path feels safer than choosing an unknown and uncertain one, because we’ve often learnt that mistakes lead to rejection or failure. Treading carefully becomes a survival skill. Unfortunately it keeps us stuck at the same time.

    When your husband is in overwhelm mode, his brain is possibly prioritising immediate survival over long term planning. My therapist mentioned that to help someone change, the priority has to be making them feel safe first, becoming a safe harbor where the pressure to decide is lowered until the nervous system calms down. I am still learning how to do this myself, but understanding that such rigidity may actually be a form of fear-based paralysis helps me feel less alone in those moments.

  • in reply to counterpoint

    This is so helpful,  thank you. I agree 100% with creating a safe space. Sometimes it's hard for me to do that because when he feels bad and I somehow become the bad guy,  I feel like I need to correct him. My plan has been to calmly tell him, "I can tell your overwhelmed right now,  but we both know I didn't do xyz, so let's take 30 min to reset and then come back to this. "  Sometimes that works,  sometimes I get so emphatic in telling him how unfair it is that I become the bad guy and what's right that I don't do that (I'm working on that, it is hard), and sometimes he'll still try to argue or say it's too late to wait 30 min because he needs to sleep.  Is there any advice on creating a safe harbor for him while still being able to discuss things that come up that we need to be able to discuss?  

    Thank you again

Reply
  • in reply to counterpoint

    This is so helpful,  thank you. I agree 100% with creating a safe space. Sometimes it's hard for me to do that because when he feels bad and I somehow become the bad guy,  I feel like I need to correct him. My plan has been to calmly tell him, "I can tell your overwhelmed right now,  but we both know I didn't do xyz, so let's take 30 min to reset and then come back to this. "  Sometimes that works,  sometimes I get so emphatic in telling him how unfair it is that I become the bad guy and what's right that I don't do that (I'm working on that, it is hard), and sometimes he'll still try to argue or say it's too late to wait 30 min because he needs to sleep.  Is there any advice on creating a safe harbor for him while still being able to discuss things that come up that we need to be able to discuss?  

    Thank you again

Children
  • in reply to Helpsarahthanks

    I’ve been following your thread, and your description of the emotional and functional weight you’re carrying really resonates with me. You mention feeling 'utterly alone' and exhausted while carrying the emotional map for both of you.

    I recently read a piece by Bridgette Hamstead about 'The Performance of Goodness.' It talks about how some of us (especially those who identify as autistic, AuDHD, or live with CPTSD) are socialised to be the 'good daughter' or 'good partner' by suppressing our own needs to keep the peace.

    She writes: 'They are the ones who notice when someone is upset, who intervene before arguments escalate, and who absorb tension in order to maintain peace. This labor is invisible and unreciprocated.' I wondered if you might see yourself in that description, not necessarily as a diagnosis, but as a way to help protect yourself from becoming burned out yourself. Please look after yourself. Best wishes.

    open.substack.com/.../chapter-11-draft-good-daughter-good

  • in reply to counterpoint

    I think this is invaluable, thank you again so much. There is a counselor that I've spoken to before that helped,  and he just started with his neurodivergent affirming counselor last week,  so I'm hoping this will help us break this cycle in addition to these poignant and insightful steps here.   Many many thanks truly. I am actively enacting these measures now

  • in reply to Helpsarahthanks

    I've just looked back at all the topics we have touched upon in our replies and realised it is a lot to take in. I think I would feel overwhelmed trying to choose priorities or decide what to do first. Perhaps the best focus right now is simply being very gentle with yourself and your husband.

    It might also help to find a neuro-affirmative therapist who can support you in managing your own emotions and the situation. They could provide insights into what your husband is going through and how he might experience things. My own therapist is neurodivergent and has autistic children. Funnily enough, her experiences often give me ideas on how to approach my wife. I am not saying my wife is like a child, but seeing how someone else navigates a relationship with an autistic person acts as a compass or a rough map for me.

    Autistic people often differ radically from each other, so what works for the majority might not be applicable to everyone. However, having a rough blueprint or a map can make navigating these relationships feel much more manageable.

  • in reply to Helpsarahthanks

    I think the impulse to change must come from within, but the challenge for an autistic person is that change often feels like losing control. For many of us, change means dismantling the logic that kept everything working and rebuilding everything from scratch. It is as dramatic as it sounds because some of us process things bottom up.

    We don’t just take an idea for granted, we build it piece by piece from every detail we encounter. A life change, like a new job, requires building an entirely new mental map. It is the same with task switching, meeting new people or adapting to a new routine or environment. This takes massive energy that a person in burnout simply doesn't have. When energy is low, even choosing a new toothbrush or deciding what to drink when the coffee runs out can feel impossible.

    To manage this, I personally use polyvagal theory (which is similar to the signal system mentioned earlier) to gauge energy and adjust demands, like making decisions or discussing the future:

    Red: No demands at all. No important decisions. Complete rest.

    Amber: A cautious between state.

    Green: When some demands or discussions may be appropriate.

    If your husband is in autistic burnout, his green state is likely much lower than his normal functionality. I’d suggest holding off on the "moving forward" talk until he recovers enough energy to even consider it. Changing his job is the logical goal (and likely a beneficial decision), but he has to reach a point where he feels safe enough first to make that decision himself.

    To me, a safe harbor means being with him without trying to fix anything. An autistic person may just need to be listened to and understood. Advice on what to change may feel like one more demand too much. The current job may be killing him, but a forced change without the energy to process it could cause an even deeper crash. A total burnout can feel like a complete paralysis where doing anything at all becomes impossible.

    What you might try is focusing on your own wellbeing and staying regulated yourself. This sends a powerful grounding signal. It's called co-regulation. If an autistic person cannot self regulate, having a partner who is calm and at peace is precious. We often feel deep guilt and shame when we don’t have the energy to function normally and can't reciprocate care or meet the expectations of others. Seeing that you are managing well and aren't waiting for him to "fix" himself may take a huge weight off his shoulders. And it can provide a sense of safety.

    If I were in your place, I would reduce all demands, expectations, and plans for as long as necessary. I'd reassure him that he can take all the time he needs and that decisions can wait. By continuing your own life as fully as possible while keeping a quiet, non-pressured space for him, you become that safe harbor where he doesn't have to perform to be loved.

    Burnout can feel like the end of the world, but there is a way out. It is a slow recovery that requires immense patience from those around us. Life afterward may look very different from what you expected before, but it can be a life that actually fits him, and hopefully it can still be something rewarding for you too.

    I really feel for you. I am recovering from a deep burnout myself, and I am also in a similar situation with my wife as you are with your husband. I am crossing my fingers for you.