Hello, I hope this is a good place to seek some guidance, I have read some really great advice that has provided some good insight. I am married to my autistic husband for going on 3 years now. My question is that I really really want to break the cycle we keep finding ourselves in. Our disagreements are cyclical and identical. He and I both have the same high pressure/ high function job, and were in fact working at the same place. It was too much for me so I left (a lot of us have left that place) and now I have a version of it thats WFH and much more manageable. He, however, is still there. He absolutely hates it. He complains everyday about long hours, far from home (he says no be doesn't want to move into the city near his job bc he hates the city) his clients are entitled and stress him out, etc. He talks about changing jobs, gets very passionate about "getting his act together and moving on so I can live my life", has a schedule of what he wants to do and what he wants ourlife to look like.. but herein lies the problem. This thinking exists when he's calm and ok. But when he gets burned out/overwhelmed (? Shut down?) , his whole perception changes. He gets burned out and then all of that goes out the window. I've figured out (I think) that there are things like his family and this job that zaps so much of him, that he's left with little energy to think about much else at all, esp switching jobs. So, as the week goes on (esp if there are any external stressors), when the topic of his job comes up again, he starts to minimize all this things he hates and complained about yesterday...saying it's awkward to leave jobs... how can he absolutely sure a new job will be better...and what if his clients miss him... justifies staying... "maybe it's not so bad". Meanwhile he's in a very bad mood, snapping, angry when I ask for what I see as small understandable things (like comfort me when I'm stressed instead of it always being me comforting you), unable to handle everyday tasks that annoy us all like dealing with an annoying neighbor. He reacts strongly, everything I say is somehow veiled criticism. He gets extremely rigid and insists on unrealistic things that he acknowledges when not overwhelmed. Whereas he's normally very emotionally aware and connected to me that way with amazing conversations ama insight for us both, in times of overwhelm he looks at me like I make no sense if I express an emotion instead of just doing the thing in front of us. He brings up things that stressed him over a decade ago that we talked about back then. Etc. When he comes out of overwhelm, he apologizes, insists he needs to change his job... then rinse and repeat for next week/ couple of weeks..i am very exhausted. I am very open to hearing him, to working with him. And he hears this, he knows this. But when the overwhelm hits, he is someone different. Also just to note, I do give him space, and try to make sure stressful stuff is bought up at a time that's relatively calm (and not late). To me it comes out of the blue. The overwhelm modes are recurrent and I feel so utterly alone when the sweet man who is very emotionally connected with me becomes this person who acts like I'm not on his side and like we never had the conversation we just had two days ago.... I'm lost on what to do next. I've come up with a schedule for him to have decompress time, for him to visit his family (which he worries about) etc. We just got him an autism affirming counselor, but I'm really hoping for insight or advice from anyone who may know what he's going through so I can help. When he's not overwhelmed he's so sweet and kind that his change when stressed really is disconcerting and I miss my husband.Thank you so much in advance.
