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does authenticity evolve?  Summary: I'm exploring how to balance my natural blunt logic with emotional awareness without burning out.

Phased

 I would like to discuss "evolving" authenticity as an autistic person with other members please.

I have come to decide post diagnosis that masking has hidden the "real" me for some time.

Now as I am apparently "discovering" who I am it would appear that I may be "evolving" as a person.

By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

This is a behaviour that i know myself to be biased towards and often have been a very harsh self-critic as i have no desire whatsoever to disregard other people's emotions or to harm them - especially people who I love and care about.

I now find myself returning to situations when this has happened and doing my best to redress the balance perhaps more promptly than I would have in the past.

I am accustomed to this process pre-diagnosis albeit often only after after a more prolonged period of reflection.

If there is the "bridge" to cross where one does not have to "correct" for this bias - where one naturally knows in advance what is the "best" approach for communication with any individual at any one time I find this much easiest to do with my very close family and loved ones.

I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted.

Otherwise in broad terms I see a situation where one is able to discern in advance whether the individual is OK for and open to a logical and "blunt" approach - especially since there are layers of apparent confusion in my interpretation of how the person signals their openness and readiness for this.

Or one is able to identify that the best approach is to look for and explore further insights into their shifting emotional landscape and make ones behaviour most appropriate for this.

Both these latter options involve a "translation tax" of extra work that I have to make to bridge the empathy gap.  I am realising that this also exists within my communication with other members on this forum - people who are often most willing to put up with bluntness but perhaps need the opposite a lot of the time.  Because like me they spend a lot of the time in a mentally and emotionally exhausted state.

I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

Perhaps this is evolving authenticty?

Parents

  • This is a difficult thing for me to engage with because although I’ve known I was autistic only since late 2024, I’ve spent much of my adult life trying to find the authentic me in the context of believing I was different, inherently bad and and that my traits were shameful and embarrassing. I have reams of books on related mental health topics and I reached a state of burnout prior on several occasions. It’s remarkable that an autism diagnosis has relieved me of most of the negative feelings of self.  Having worked through some literature on masking, I don’t know how to find greater authenticity, and I’m not sure that I need to, although I would be open to knowing should it be revealed to me. 

    I mask when it serves me well but the need to mask is decreasing as I spend more time on my own now. I’m more able to be the person I believe I am with the few friends I have now.

    I’m less blunt than I used to be and perhaps that is because I put on a mask because I have learned why some of my comments could be considered insensitive. Alternatively, it could be that I care enough not to want to hurt others, so putting on the mask allows me to sleep at night knowing they are ok.

    Phased said:
    By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

    You may perceive that you are blunt, but I haven’t noticed that. You may get straight to the point, but more importantly you come across as polite, considerate and helpful. There is a difference between being blunt and being rude, and you definitely know the difference, so I would be surprised that anyone should say otherwise and not see what your true intentions are. 

    Phased said:
    I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted

    I have been in situations where I’ve meant one thing and the other person has taken it’s to mean something else, which isn’t good if it’s something deeply personal. Sometimes I would like to say something but draw back because I don’t want to risk being misunderstood.

    Phased said:
    I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

    Over time, the cost is reduced, at least that is my experience. If communication is established with the same person or persons over a while, it becomes less taxing. Initial communication is costly, especially if it is a deep personal matter. 

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thank you so much for sharing that  —it’s a really powerful and relatable reflection on the diagnosis journey and the complexity of masking. I definitely want to give this the depth of response it deserves, but I’m just about to head off for dinner so I don't crash. I’ll be back with a proper reply once I've refuelled. Speak soon!

Reply
  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thank you so much for sharing that  —it’s a really powerful and relatable reflection on the diagnosis journey and the complexity of masking. I definitely want to give this the depth of response it deserves, but I’m just about to head off for dinner so I don't crash. I’ll be back with a proper reply once I've refuelled. Speak soon!

Children
  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks  

    I get the 'relief' part—it’s striking how that 'inherently bad' label starts to drop off after a diagnosis. Personally, I'm still working through the shame, but I'm finding it's shifting. I’m noticing more 'insults' from the outside now—things clearly designed, whether people realise it or not, to make me feel that old shame again. It’s why I'm finding that setting firm boundaries is so important; it’s a necessary part of recovering from burnout and stopping those external pressures from getting through.

    On the masking side, I'm trying to look at it a bit differently. I don't see being 'less blunt' as just a mask I put on for other people's sake. For me, it's more about building a skill. I want to express my 'authentic' caring side in a way that actually lands properly, rather than it getting lost in a delivery that people might misunderstand.

    As for the 'translation tax', I find it really depends on my mental and emotional state at the time—and theirs too. Even when I’m calibrated with someone, there are still periods where there's a significant offset. It reminds me of the idea that you sometimes have to climb the mountain to reach the ease of the valley. But as anyone who hikes knows, it’s often harder and more taxing on the body to climb back down than it was to go up. The effort isn't a linear path, and the terrain just requires more from you depending on the day.