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does authenticity evolve?  Summary: I'm exploring how to balance my natural blunt logic with emotional awareness without burning out.

Phased

 I would like to discuss "evolving" authenticity as an autistic person with other members please.

I have come to decide post diagnosis that masking has hidden the "real" me for some time.

Now as I am apparently "discovering" who I am it would appear that I may be "evolving" as a person.

By which I give an examples that within this community I initially was drawn to make rapid response to others posts - mainly from a logical and often "blunt" fashion that has not fairly taken into account the other persons mental state.

This is a behaviour that i know myself to be biased towards and often have been a very harsh self-critic as i have no desire whatsoever to disregard other people's emotions or to harm them - especially people who I love and care about.

I now find myself returning to situations when this has happened and doing my best to redress the balance perhaps more promptly than I would have in the past.

I am accustomed to this process pre-diagnosis albeit often only after after a more prolonged period of reflection.

If there is the "bridge" to cross where one does not have to "correct" for this bias - where one naturally knows in advance what is the "best" approach for communication with any individual at any one time I find this much easiest to do with my very close family and loved ones.

I am drawn to want to express deep empathy for other people in order to stimulate this same depth of "best" communication however am really concerned about this being clumsy or socially misinterpreted.

Otherwise in broad terms I see a situation where one is able to discern in advance whether the individual is OK for and open to a logical and "blunt" approach - especially since there are layers of apparent confusion in my interpretation of how the person signals their openness and readiness for this.

Or one is able to identify that the best approach is to look for and explore further insights into their shifting emotional landscape and make ones behaviour most appropriate for this.

Both these latter options involve a "translation tax" of extra work that I have to make to bridge the empathy gap.  I am realising that this also exists within my communication with other members on this forum - people who are often most willing to put up with bluntness but perhaps need the opposite a lot of the time.  Because like me they spend a lot of the time in a mentally and emotionally exhausted state.

I find that there are many suggestions as to reduce the amount of "translation tax" of combining a firm logic based blunt processor with a more widely socially orientated perspective.  I wonder whether doing so over a prolonged period mans that eventually the "cost" of doing so is reduced - partly because in practicing it it becomes a more easily selected means of behaviour.

Perhaps this is evolving authenticty?

Parents

  • I've become blunter and less afraid of upsetting people, I feel less need to appolgise for disagreeing, not liking, or challenging others. I used to feel I had to appologise for everything, whether it was my "fault" or not, I practically used to appologise for existing, as a consequence of being bullied. This behaviour seemed to attract both bullies and co-dependent relationships.

    I've learnt to stand in my own light and I'm still learing.

    I think I use masks diffferently to many, I think I've always been aware of them and have leared to use them, rather than let them us me. I conciously put one on depending what situation I'm going into. I have various compentant masks, ones I use when speaking to professionals, like doctors, or solicitors, academics etc. I see masks more as a set of clothes than a mask, in situations where I need to be professional and meet other professionals I put on one of my mental business suits. If I'm doing something more creative, I put on one of my mental floaty hippy suits. I have some confrontation suits too, anything from something stiff and dark coloured to a full suit of armour, I also have a mental teflon cloak so that insults etc can slide off me and I don't have to take them inside myself and incorporate them into another reason I shouldn't exist or be in public and around people. This cloak also has a mirror function that reflects back at someone their own horribleness. I can wear the blue cloak of a healer too, to comfort, guide and sometimes give remedies too people.

    All of these sides of me are real and have different knowlege sets and voices. I don't seen these as seperate to me or somehow not the "real" me they're all the real me, they're all authentic. I think many autistic people have sets of clothes they've "borrowed" to fit particular situations because either they really don't have something suitable or because they feel their own won't be right. I think, becoming comfortable with yourself is as much about having a good mental wardrobe clearout as anything else. 

    I don't know if this is an anyway helpful, I hope it is?

Reply

  • I've become blunter and less afraid of upsetting people, I feel less need to appolgise for disagreeing, not liking, or challenging others. I used to feel I had to appologise for everything, whether it was my "fault" or not, I practically used to appologise for existing, as a consequence of being bullied. This behaviour seemed to attract both bullies and co-dependent relationships.

    I've learnt to stand in my own light and I'm still learing.

    I think I use masks diffferently to many, I think I've always been aware of them and have leared to use them, rather than let them us me. I conciously put one on depending what situation I'm going into. I have various compentant masks, ones I use when speaking to professionals, like doctors, or solicitors, academics etc. I see masks more as a set of clothes than a mask, in situations where I need to be professional and meet other professionals I put on one of my mental business suits. If I'm doing something more creative, I put on one of my mental floaty hippy suits. I have some confrontation suits too, anything from something stiff and dark coloured to a full suit of armour, I also have a mental teflon cloak so that insults etc can slide off me and I don't have to take them inside myself and incorporate them into another reason I shouldn't exist or be in public and around people. This cloak also has a mirror function that reflects back at someone their own horribleness. I can wear the blue cloak of a healer too, to comfort, guide and sometimes give remedies too people.

    All of these sides of me are real and have different knowlege sets and voices. I don't seen these as seperate to me or somehow not the "real" me they're all the real me, they're all authentic. I think many autistic people have sets of clothes they've "borrowed" to fit particular situations because either they really don't have something suitable or because they feel their own won't be right. I think, becoming comfortable with yourself is as much about having a good mental wardrobe clearout as anything else. 

    I don't know if this is an anyway helpful, I hope it is?

Children