Burnout and depression led to therapy, leading to the beginning of a possible adult diagnosis at 44. Profound sense of a weight being lifted, but also anger, doubts, confusion. Interested to hear other people's experiences and words of advice travelling this path in mid-life.
Just wanted to thank everyone for responding. Reassurances from those with experience counts for a lot. I'm feeling quite optimistic about things, although still apprehensive. It's incredible to think that a person can mask, quite successfully, well into their 40s. Even just learning about masking, how it works, the price it demands of us, has been something of a revelation. I can see a pattern in my past and wonder how it's taken this long join the dots together. Masking and burnout. I think it's actually done a number on my memory, both short and long-term, because things are very patchy. I have to keep multiple notebooks, although they can also be a kind of literary fidget-spinner in their own right. These past few years my ability to "cope" with the day-to-day noise of the world has been significantly reduced, to the point where I have to drive to work at an ungodly hour to avoid traffic, reduced parking-space anxiety, and have a couple of hours by myself in the office when I can warm-up and get my head into the game. It also explains a lot about my stumbling attempts at socialising, and how I tend to rely to pre-rehearsed scripts, standard stories, and that sort of thing. Oh, and why I spend so much time recovering in my personal well of quiet aloneness. Still don't know what to do with the anger I'm feeling about past injustices but there are things you can't control. So, I am feeling good about this, just overwhelmed, confused, a little excited, but also worried, and I have a PhD in advanced worrying.
Thanks for commenting. I'm hopeful that this will be my experience. I've mentioned it to a handful of people, and their responses were much as you described, ranging from supportive to entirely dismissive. I'm already re-evaluating a lot of things my past/present. There are a lot of things that make more sense now.
Being diagnosed is a wonderful experience, it explains so much that has gone right/wrong in your life. But I find that only really kind people and highly trained psychologists really understand what autism is. In some ways (not others) invisible / masking autism is the hardest: you spend 40-50years of your life making 1000s of acquaintances and maybe 1 friend if you’re lucky, but if you try to tell someone you are autistic they will say things like ‘well everyone’s a little bit autistic’ or ‘its probably not as bas as you think’. While a diagnosis allows you to suddenly understand yourself which is truly amazing, sadly it doesn’t mean that other people suddenly understand you. Its after all a very complex subject that takes an exceptionally clever / thoughtful / open-minded person to truly comprehend.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I too was diagnosed in my early 40s. Depending on who your assessors are, the process should be enlightening if draining. I found it incredibly exhausting to fully open up, or try to, over the course of multiple questionnaires, assessment tools and conversations, but I felt it was worth it in the end. The diagnostic report I was sent afterwards was also really heartening in that my challenges had finally been acknowledged by someone in the context of a neurodevelopmental framework and my coping strategies acknowledged as a sign of resilience.
Wishing you all the best for your journey.
Thanks for the explanation
Hi Mr T, your reponse was hidden when the post you responded to was flagged and subsequently removed from the forum. I have now allowed the post back but edited it to remove the content which is against our rules meaning your post is visible again.
Many thanks
Sharon Mod
That’s an excellent analogy. It’s certainly bewildering. Lots of self-doubt and disbelief sloshing around, but also a sense of relief and recognition.
Thanks for the advice. Good to know that I'm not alone in feeling a little scared about next steps.
So I don’t know the official percentage off the top of my head, but I’ve heard someone say that the percentage of people that suspect Autism that go in for an assessment is high for passing. So the likelihood is that yes, you’ll probably pass. I do understand what you’re saying about it being a huge existential blow if it is denied. I was certainly scared about that as well, especially for my daughter when she was assessed. However, a reassuring thing I wish I knew is that A) You can always get a second opinion and B) There are people that self-identify as Autistic without need of an official diagnosis.
I’m glad you’re open to going back to therapy when the time is right. I think it’s a good idea to at least try it post-diagnosis, as your GP won’t have much to give in terms of help afterwards. There’s no magic medicine for Autism, just coping strategies and reframing techniques.
You can't have the childhood/adolscence you needed, but perhaps we have good reason to hope for a much more compassionate self-regard moving forward.
Absolutely! You stated it very well here.
I was definitely burning out when I started therapy. Should probably have started it sooner but was on a waiting list, but it worked out well enough. At present I'd say the suspected diagnosis has made me more anxious, although I go back and forth. Some days it's as though I feel that I am suddenly this different person, and it's quite liberating, and the next I'm back down again and just want to hide away. I htink you're right about the acceptance process. I'm also worried what it would mean if I go down the diagnostic route, which I intend to do, only to discover that it is unfounded. That would be quite the existential blowout. I spoke to the therapist about this, and they said that it is a common enough response. There's definitely a degree of imposter syndrome, especially with all the negative press about over-diagnosis.
I opted to take a break from therapy. It felt like a natural stopping point, and with the possibility of a diagnosis I have something tangible to work on. I might go back. I've stepped-off before and value the work that we did. I think therapy worked for me in that it brought me to this juncture. For a long time I wondered if there was something "wrong" and now that thought has been refined into a series of much healthier questions about being in the world and what to do with a lifetime of misdirected guilt and shame and inferiority. My heart breaks for that tortured little kid, and with that there is a fair amount of impotent rage. You can't have the childhood/adolscence you needed, but perhaps we have good reason to hope for a much more compassionate self-regard moving forward.
So do you feel like you are currently in burnout? Are you still in therapy?
I feel like therapy has always helped me, but I’ve seen other people on here say that therapy doesn’t always work for Autistics.
Don’t feel like you need to rush to feel more at ease with being Autistic. It can sometimes take a while for the grief and upset to calm down into more acceptance. I think something that really helps with that process is to read up on other people’s experiences. Knowing others have or are going through similar trials can be a huge help in the acceptance process.
Hi. yes, I'm not sure what's going on with the replies. I replied to an early reply, both of which have disappeared!
Thanks for the welcome. As I said in the previous now invisible reply, I'm still processing. Still guarded about who I talk to (hence the appeal of this forum as a welcoming space), and still unsure what any of this will mean in the longer-term. It's helped to see lots of folks approaching or having passed through a diagnostic phase. I'm right at the start of that. I was in therapy for a while, which led to the suspicion of autism, the theory being that my depression was driven by burnout after a lifetime of moderately successful "masking" started to fail in the face of, well, adult human existence and that comes packaged with that, plus grief. So far it's been liberating to a point, insofar that my the difficulties of my past (and present) look very different when viewed through the AU lens. Also upsetting, maddening.
Huh, interesting. I can see that there are two replies for this thread, but neither of them are showing up when I open the thread. Oh well, if you can read this:
Welcome to the community! Yes, mixed emotions after finding out you have Autism is very common. You’ll find that a lot of people on here have gone through the same rollercoaster of emotions that come with having that realization so late in life.
I would check out the NAS pages. There is a lot of useful information there about lots of topics. Read up on books written by experts or by autistic people.
I would refrain from this
If you have a clinical diagnosis then you can legally procure helpful medication from Alternaleaf that will let you essentially scrub the CPTSD off your brain and you'll be fighting fit in a month or two.
it is pointing you towards cannabis which will be very expensive and will not solve your autism. It may dull your senses and help to relax but it is not a miracle cure.
You need to begin to know yourself and you will go through so many emotions such as anger and grief for your life as it has been.
Remember to be kind to yourself, you are not broken just different.
Finally id you do get a diagnosis or choose to self identify welcome to the 'Latelings' club.
