Beginning Adult Diagnosis Odyssey at 44 - interested to hear other's experiences navigating this winding path in middle-life.

Huh, interesting. I can see that there are two replies for this thread, but neither of them are showing up when I open the thread. Oh well, if you can read this:

Welcome to the community! Yes, mixed emotions after finding out you have Autism is very common. You’ll find that a lot of people on here have gone through the same rollercoaster of emotions that come with having that realization so late in life.

Hi. yes, I'm not sure what's going on with the replies. I replied to an early reply, both of which have disappeared! 

Thanks for the welcome. As I said in the previous now invisible reply, I'm still processing. Still guarded about who I talk to (hence the appeal of this forum as a welcoming space), and still unsure what any of this will mean in the longer-term. It's helped to see lots of folks approaching or having passed through a diagnostic phase. I'm right at the start of that. I was in therapy for a while, which led to the suspicion of autism, the theory being that my depression was driven by burnout after a lifetime of moderately successful "masking" started to fail in the face of, well, adult human existence and that comes packaged with that, plus grief. So far it's been liberating to a point, insofar that my the difficulties of my past (and present) look very different when viewed through the AU lens. Also upsetting, maddening. 

So do you feel like you are currently in burnout? Are you still in therapy?

I feel like therapy has always helped me, but I’ve seen other people on here say that therapy doesn’t always work for Autistics.

Don’t feel like you need to rush to feel more at ease with being Autistic. It can sometimes take a while for the grief and upset to calm down into more acceptance. I think something that really helps with that process is to read up on other people’s experiences. Knowing others have or are going through similar trials can be a huge help in the acceptance process.

So do you feel like you are currently in burnout? Are you still in therapy?

I feel like therapy has always helped me, but I’ve seen other people on here say that therapy doesn’t always work for Autistics.

Don’t feel like you need to rush to feel more at ease with being Autistic. It can sometimes take a while for the grief and upset to calm down into more acceptance. I think something that really helps with that process is to read up on other people’s experiences. Knowing others have or are going through similar trials can be a huge help in the acceptance process.

Thanks for the advice. Good to know that I'm not alone in feeling a little scared about next steps. 

So I don’t know the official percentage off the top of my head, but I’ve heard someone say that the percentage of people that suspect Autism that go in for an assessment is high for passing. So the likelihood is that yes, you’ll probably pass. I do understand what you’re saying about it being a huge existential blow if it is denied. I was certainly scared about that as well, especially for my daughter when she was assessed. However, a reassuring thing I wish I knew is that A) You can always get a second opinion and B) There are people that self-identify as Autistic without need of an official diagnosis.

I’m glad you’re open to going back to therapy when the time is right. I think it’s a good idea to at least try it post-diagnosis, as your GP won’t have much to give in terms of help afterwards. There’s no magic medicine for Autism, just coping strategies and reframing techniques. 

Quietdude said:

You can't have the childhood/adolscence you needed, but perhaps we have good reason to hope for a much more compassionate self-regard moving forward. 

Absolutely! You stated it very well here. 

I was definitely burning out when I started therapy. Should probably have started it sooner but was on a waiting list, but it worked out well enough. At present I'd say the suspected diagnosis has made me more anxious, although I go back and forth. Some days it's as though I feel that I am suddenly this different person, and it's quite liberating, and the next I'm back down again and just want to hide away. I htink you're right about the acceptance process. I'm also worried what it would mean if I go down the diagnostic route, which I intend to do, only to discover that it is unfounded. That would be quite the existential blowout. I spoke to the therapist about this, and they said that it is a common enough response. There's definitely a degree of imposter syndrome, especially with all the negative press about over-diagnosis. 

I opted to take a break from therapy. It felt like a natural stopping point, and with the possibility of a diagnosis I have something tangible to work on. I might go back. I've stepped-off before and value the work that we did. I think therapy worked for me in that it brought me to this juncture. For a long time I wondered if there was something "wrong" and now that thought has been refined into a series of much healthier questions about being in the world and what to do with a lifetime of misdirected guilt and shame and inferiority. My heart breaks for that tortured little kid, and with that there is a fair amount of impotent rage. You can't have the childhood/adolscence you needed, but perhaps we have good reason to hope for a much more compassionate self-regard moving forward.