Beginning Adult Diagnosis Odyssey at 44 - interested to hear other's experiences navigating this winding path in middle-life.

Thank you for your detailed response. It's all been quite the whirlwind so far. I was speaking to a therapist for around 5-6 months, during that time the conversation began to focus on the possibility of autism and how difficulties that I had been facing over the past few years were in part a response to "masking", or specifically what happens when a person burns-out after decades of moderately successful "masking". GP appointment is end of this week, but I understand that testing/diagnosis will likely take more than a year.

In the meantime, it has been liberating to review my life through this new lens, and a lot things suddenly look very different. The word I find myself using, but perhaps not using with the greatest precision, is 'forgiveness' - since a weight has been lifted and I can forgive myself (not that there was anything to forgive) for haivng blamed myself for being "weird" and "diffiuclt" etc when really it wasn't something that was in my gift to control, and certainly not as a child. That revelation has been quite profound, but also maddening, I think for the same reasons that otherscite elsewhere. Plus all the stuff you see in the press about over-diagnosis does nothing for the sense of imposter syndrome.  

This is why your last sentence - 'you have nothing to apologize for' - really struck me. It's as though I have been apologising, inwardly and outwardly, my entire life, which has been destructive in ways that are perfectly maddening and suddenly so easy to see. I'll check out the references you shared.  

I would check out the NAS pages. There is a lot of useful information there about lots of topics. Read up on books written by experts or by autistic people.

I would refrain from this

NAS50677 said:

If you have a clinical diagnosis then you can legally procure helpful medication from Alternaleaf that will let you essentially scrub the CPTSD off your brain and you'll be fighting fit in a month or two.

it is pointing you towards cannabis which will be very expensive and will not solve your autism. It may dull your senses and help to relax but it is not a miracle cure.

You need to begin to know yourself and you will go through so many emotions such as anger and grief for your life as it has been.

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are not broken just different. 

Finally id you do get a diagnosis or choose to self identify welcome to the 'Latelings' club.