Acceptance - ADHD - Autism - or Both

I am just starting to accept myself as autistic, it's been years and years.  You will find a good space, it's getting there that takes time.

I was really scared to tell my family, I've only told my kids and husband and the older generation are mostly dead by now.  I decided to tell the assessment team that I have no-one from childhood, instead of asking my sister.  It's easier to tell the younger generation, my kids have several ADHD / autistic friends so they are more aware.  I also know several parents of my generation who did not pursue a diagnosis for their child as they did not want them "drugged up" or put in special schools or have that stigma attached to them - I view it as more trying to protect you than denying your experience, although the two get conflated.

I have two ways of telling people.  1.  Talk about the things I find hard but don't call it autism  e.g. "Please tell me directly if you need me to do something, as I don't always understand hints  - hints can mean too many different things if you don't make it clear."  or "I can do the technical sife of this job, but I need support in customer liaison, for example, getting people's views on this website I am working on and how it can be improved."  or "I need time to decompress."   2.  Come directly out with it, but I do this only with people likely to understand such as those already working in the area or with diagnosed relatives or friends so they are already aware.  I don't use this approach often.

I am in my 60s, and going for an assessment for autism, but after several years research I am only just perfectly happy to self-identify as autistic, but it took may years to get there, as I started investigating when info about autism in girls and women started to become available.  I have had a lot of family support over the years, as they have always been aware that I don't like social gatherings that much.  And my daughters used to warn their schoolfriends not to hug me as I was "not a huggy person".  We know about "decompression time" in our house to avoid burnout, and I think this diving analogy is a wonderful one as it does convey that time is needed and it is somethat that is necessary and cannot be hurried .  We also know about stress - it has not all been plain sailing but sometimes a grim determination to get through no matter what. The trigger that finally made be seek a formal diagnosis was when we moved to a new place after retirement, and 2 different sets of people independently started to talk to me about their diagnoses or their relatives' diagnosis.  That made me think I might not be imagining things at all, and was the start of my self-acceptance. 

I love your internal zoo of acceptance, it paints a lovely picture.

I strongly recommend seeing a therapist if you can. If you can find a neurodivergent one, all the better. I realised I was autistic at the beginning of last year and started seeing a therapist about it straight away. I got referred for a diagnosis at the same time and am now diagnosed and still seeing my therapist. I would say that having someone to discuss everything with, who will help you learn about and accept yourself, is more important than the diagnosis, or at least it was for me. My therapist is AuDHD and suggested I may be the same. I knew I was autistic but the ADHD bit came as a surprise and took me some time to accept. I now know 100% that I am AuDHD and have started the long process of getting an ADHD assessment, although this is only so I can try medication.

As for the assessment that I did do, I was able to do this without involving my parents who I feared would have the same reaction as yours, if not stronger. This may be because my wife has known me for thirty years.

I don't think you should view a diagnosis as essential. If you can find a good therapist who understands neurodivergence, this can be another way to gaining self acceptance, which is ultimately what we are all striving for I think.

I am bad at keeping things short also I always feel like I have to give backround information, so prepare for a wall of text with strange examples:

My partner - who I am 100% sure is autistic - told me that he thinks I am autistic. So I did some additional research. Additional because I have been through ADHD diagnostics a few years ago and came across many sources that claimed ADHD is often diagnosed only very late in women, and the same goes for autism, and both occure together quite more often than you would expect. My boyfriend telling me about his thoughts made me wonder and by now I am sure I have both ADHD and autism.

My family anyway seems to have a hard time believing and accepting the ADHD. My dad does not speak about it at all and my mum constantly says things along the lines of "well then I guess everybody has ADHD". I had troubles since basically ever, but my brother as well and I guess he was more towards the outside so got more attention (but not in a helpful way sadly), because dad always thinks he can "fix" everything on his own and he does not believe in therapy...

I asked for a therapist relatively early but my dad refused, and thought I should tell him what "the problem" is first. He kept saying stuff like "if someone in this house needs therapy, it is your brother".

Well, I guess I am not trying to tell them about believing to be autistic anytime soon. I am pretty sure telling them would for some reason turn into a discussion which I'd lose because everyone else participating in this conversation would not get informed and just say "nope" and I will get a breakdown and so on you know the drill...

Anyway, I was very happy when I got told I got a good score on the ADHD test It explained so many things from the past and by now I dont even (mostly) care anymore whether my parents believe it or not. I still get mad at mself and impulsive from time to time, but sometimes I also can tell myself "ah hello there ADHD-me. While of course it would be super practical if you were more organised, I guess this is just how we roll" and go with my flow as much as society allows. It feels easier to invent new coping mechanisms even if other people dont understand them. I can always legitimate: "but you probably dont have ADHD diagnosed, so just because it seems weird to you does not mean it does not work for me". Of course a diagnosis should not be necessary to stand that ground: even two people without ADHD dont have all the same routines that work for them alike. But yeah the diagnosis helped me and made it easier to accept certain things and even smile about them occasionally. As I said the difficulties that come with ADHD are still there, but i spend way less energy on wondering why. Sometimes I am even amazed by how chaotic I am, i feel like i am one of the pandas in those funny videos where they just roll around and seem super clumsy but very sweet. And my approach is: since I cant stop them from eating all my bamboo I will at least enjoy the view instead of letting it ruin my day.

But the more accepting I got with my ADHD aspects, I got confused because of all the thing that seem to not fit to the diagnosis, even like the complete opposite. So knowing or believing there is an "autistic-me" in me as well, coexisting with the ADHD-me just feels like finally finding out that a big mouse is the source of the strange noises coming from the attic all the years.

It is just such a relief.

But yeah mouse did not leave all these years, so at least now that I know what it is, I can get the correct food for him and make him feel comfortable at home because what is the point of an unhappy mouse in the house? One more thing on the shopping list of course besides the bamboo for my panda-part and coffee for myself, but we are living together anyway so lets have a good time. 

So basically I feel like there are three of us now: the ADHD-me, the autist-me and the me who loves both her children even though is is not always easy meeting everyones needs, I am curious to see them grow up and develop now that I know their needs a little better.

And since I cant find the same understanding in my family (I guess they still have not accepted their own internal Zoo), I have to get that somewhere else. Doesnt mean I dont love my family and can have a good time with them, but when I visit them I have to look out for when panda or mouse get hungry because noone else will notice and they get hangry if I dont feed them regularly.

I try to not cling to the thought of "if I just explained it better they would finally understand". I learned that through my boyfriend because he has certain habits or priorities which I really cant wrap my hear around, but they do no harm to me or anyone. So I dont need to understand it all to love him and I think this goes for families as well. Kids will never fully understand their parents and the other way around. And maybe this is good because otherwise we would all make the same mistakes, but I want to make different mistakes than my parents! 

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

From my own experience, having support & understanding from my family was crucial to my finally getting an official diagnosis a few years ago. It wasn't easy for them, especially my mother as she wondered what she could have done differently when I was younger. Realistically, there probably wasn't much any of us could have done at the time, as autism wasn't something even many professionals in education and childcare knew much about.

I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay at the moment, but I'd encourage you to talk to your family more about the struggles you're having. It's not an easy conversation to have, I know, but it would help you even if it's just knowing that you're loved as you are.

I don't know if you can get back onto the waiting list for an assessment, and without input from your family that's going to be tough, but do talk to your GP, explain the situation and see what your options are. Good luck!