• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 84 subscribers
  • Views 328 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Acceptance - ADHD - Autism - or Both

M11

I guess my questions are

How have you accepted yourself whether you have a diagnosis or not? 
Has anyone been able to open a dialogue back up with family members on the subject, after shutting down for years because their initial response was “no your not, there’s nothing wrong with you”

A brief bullet pointed background information as I tend to waffle 

  • I was blissfully unaware until 5 years ago 
  • burnouts occurred yearly after I started full time work at around 27 (late I know) 
  • I researched burnout, quick promotions and underachieving and stumbled across ADHD, I researched this all day and night for months outside of work, I then stumbled across autism reluctantly looking into it because of the self perceived sigma from myself around it. 
  • Again I researched both ADHD and autism day and night for 12-18 months I was slightly obsessed
  • Confined in my partner, who I think was took a bit by suprise and said “no your not”. That was the first blow to my confidence around it, as I’d spent so much time researching it. she later come back to me weeks later after researching and said she thinks I may be. 

  • She encouraged me to get a doctors appointment into it, I did I went in there stating I think I have ADHD but there may be a slight possibility of autism.
  • I got referral to an Autism waiting list, just over 3 years ago. 
  • after 18 months on the waiting list and struggling to fill my forms in, due to not asking my family. I plucked up the courage to ask, which was met with “there’s nothing wrong with you, you were a good kid” I think I always knew this was the response I would receive that’s why I held it off so long. That was the 2nd blow to my confidence and I’ve shutdown on opening up about my thoughts regarding the possibility now

  • fast forward to today around 2 months ago, I got removed from the waiting list as 3 years had past and I didn’t have enough information to give to them. 
  • I believe I’m a very self aware person and I know deep down I’m neurodivergent. I’m going from strength to strength in my career and my personal life but I feel like that’s never going to be enough until i’m able to accept this part of myself and hope to get some understanding from family members, as they cant see just how much I struggle internally at times because I’m able to hide it/control it now before I reach a burnout stage. 

    Not having anyone you feel comfortable talking to about it, without feeling like you’re being judged makes you suppress it more I suppose. 
Parents

  • I am bad at keeping things short also I always feel like I have to give backround information, so prepare for a wall of text with strange examples:

    My partner - who I am 100% sure is autistic - told me that he thinks I am autistic. So I did some additional research. Additional because I have been through ADHD diagnostics a few years ago and came across many sources that claimed ADHD is often diagnosed only very late in women, and the same goes for autism, and both occure together quite more often than you would expect. My boyfriend telling me about his thoughts made me wonder and by now I am sure I have both ADHD and autism.

    My family anyway seems to have a hard time believing and accepting the ADHD. My dad does not speak about it at all and my mum constantly says things along the lines of "well then I guess everybody has ADHD". I had troubles since basically ever, but my brother as well and I guess he was more towards the outside so got more attention (but not in a helpful way sadly), because dad always thinks he can "fix" everything on his own and he does not believe in therapy...

    I asked for a therapist relatively early but my dad refused, and thought I should tell him what "the problem" is first. He kept saying stuff like "if someone in this house needs therapy, it is your brother".

    Well, I guess I am not trying to tell them about believing to be autistic anytime soon. I am pretty sure telling them would for some reason turn into a discussion which I'd lose because everyone else participating in this conversation would not get informed and just say "nope" and I will get a breakdown and so on you know the drill...

    Anyway, I was very happy when I got told I got a good score on the ADHD test Nerd It explained so many things from the past and by now I dont even (mostly) care anymore whether my parents believe it or not. I still get mad at mself and impulsive from time to time, but sometimes I also can tell myself "ah hello there ADHD-me. While of course it would be super practical if you were more organised, I guess this is just how we roll" and go with my flow as much as society allows. It feels easier to invent new coping mechanisms even if other people dont understand them. I can always legitimate: "but you probably dont have ADHD diagnosed, so just because it seems weird to you does not mean it does not work for me". Of course a diagnosis should not be necessary to stand that ground: even two people without ADHD dont have all the same routines that work for them alike. But yeah the diagnosis helped me and made it easier to accept certain things and even smile about them occasionally. As I said the difficulties that come with ADHD are still there, but i spend way less energy on wondering why. Sometimes I am even amazed by how chaotic I am, i feel like i am one of the pandas in those funny videos where they just roll around and seem super clumsy but very sweet. And my approach is: since I cant stop them from eating all my bamboo I will at least enjoy the view instead of letting it ruin my day.

    But the more accepting I got with my ADHD aspects, I got confused because of all the thing that seem to not fit to the diagnosis, even like the complete opposite. So knowing or believing there is an "autistic-me" in me as well, coexisting with the ADHD-me just feels like finally finding out that a big mouse is the source of the strange noises coming from the attic all the years.

    It is just such a relief.

    But yeah mouse did not leave all these years, so at least now that I know what it is, I can get the correct food for him and make him feel comfortable at home because what is the point of an unhappy mouse in the house? One more thing on the shopping list of course besides the bamboo for my panda-part and coffee for myself, but we are living together anyway so lets have a good time. 

    So basically I feel like there are three of us now: the ADHD-me, the autist-me and the me who loves both her children even though is is not always easy meeting everyones needs, I am curious to see them grow up and develop now that I know their needs a little better.

    And since I cant find the same understanding in my family (I guess they still have not accepted their own internal Zoo), I have to get that somewhere else. Doesnt mean I dont love my family and can have a good time with them, but when I visit them I have to look out for when panda or mouse get hungry because noone else will notice and they get hangry if I dont feed them regularly.

    I try to not cling to the thought of "if I just explained it better they would finally understand". I learned that through my boyfriend because he has certain habits or priorities which I really cant wrap my hear around, but they do no harm to me or anyone. So I dont need to understand it all to love him and I think this goes for families as well. Kids will never fully understand their parents and the other way around. And maybe this is good because otherwise we would all make the same mistakes, but I want to make different mistakes than my parents! 

    Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Reply

  • I am bad at keeping things short also I always feel like I have to give backround information, so prepare for a wall of text with strange examples:

    My partner - who I am 100% sure is autistic - told me that he thinks I am autistic. So I did some additional research. Additional because I have been through ADHD diagnostics a few years ago and came across many sources that claimed ADHD is often diagnosed only very late in women, and the same goes for autism, and both occure together quite more often than you would expect. My boyfriend telling me about his thoughts made me wonder and by now I am sure I have both ADHD and autism.

    My family anyway seems to have a hard time believing and accepting the ADHD. My dad does not speak about it at all and my mum constantly says things along the lines of "well then I guess everybody has ADHD". I had troubles since basically ever, but my brother as well and I guess he was more towards the outside so got more attention (but not in a helpful way sadly), because dad always thinks he can "fix" everything on his own and he does not believe in therapy...

    I asked for a therapist relatively early but my dad refused, and thought I should tell him what "the problem" is first. He kept saying stuff like "if someone in this house needs therapy, it is your brother".

    Well, I guess I am not trying to tell them about believing to be autistic anytime soon. I am pretty sure telling them would for some reason turn into a discussion which I'd lose because everyone else participating in this conversation would not get informed and just say "nope" and I will get a breakdown and so on you know the drill...

    Anyway, I was very happy when I got told I got a good score on the ADHD test Nerd It explained so many things from the past and by now I dont even (mostly) care anymore whether my parents believe it or not. I still get mad at mself and impulsive from time to time, but sometimes I also can tell myself "ah hello there ADHD-me. While of course it would be super practical if you were more organised, I guess this is just how we roll" and go with my flow as much as society allows. It feels easier to invent new coping mechanisms even if other people dont understand them. I can always legitimate: "but you probably dont have ADHD diagnosed, so just because it seems weird to you does not mean it does not work for me". Of course a diagnosis should not be necessary to stand that ground: even two people without ADHD dont have all the same routines that work for them alike. But yeah the diagnosis helped me and made it easier to accept certain things and even smile about them occasionally. As I said the difficulties that come with ADHD are still there, but i spend way less energy on wondering why. Sometimes I am even amazed by how chaotic I am, i feel like i am one of the pandas in those funny videos where they just roll around and seem super clumsy but very sweet. And my approach is: since I cant stop them from eating all my bamboo I will at least enjoy the view instead of letting it ruin my day.

    But the more accepting I got with my ADHD aspects, I got confused because of all the thing that seem to not fit to the diagnosis, even like the complete opposite. So knowing or believing there is an "autistic-me" in me as well, coexisting with the ADHD-me just feels like finally finding out that a big mouse is the source of the strange noises coming from the attic all the years.

    It is just such a relief.

    But yeah mouse did not leave all these years, so at least now that I know what it is, I can get the correct food for him and make him feel comfortable at home because what is the point of an unhappy mouse in the house? One more thing on the shopping list of course besides the bamboo for my panda-part and coffee for myself, but we are living together anyway so lets have a good time. 

    So basically I feel like there are three of us now: the ADHD-me, the autist-me and the me who loves both her children even though is is not always easy meeting everyones needs, I am curious to see them grow up and develop now that I know their needs a little better.

    And since I cant find the same understanding in my family (I guess they still have not accepted their own internal Zoo), I have to get that somewhere else. Doesnt mean I dont love my family and can have a good time with them, but when I visit them I have to look out for when panda or mouse get hungry because noone else will notice and they get hangry if I dont feed them regularly.

    I try to not cling to the thought of "if I just explained it better they would finally understand". I learned that through my boyfriend because he has certain habits or priorities which I really cant wrap my hear around, but they do no harm to me or anyone. So I dont need to understand it all to love him and I think this goes for families as well. Kids will never fully understand their parents and the other way around. And maybe this is good because otherwise we would all make the same mistakes, but I want to make different mistakes than my parents! 

    Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Children