Haircuts! Why are the small things so hard?

I completely get this as someone who struggles to go to the hairdresser and hasn't been in 6 years. 

I had one were I used to live in England, and we moved the town over and I kept going as I was comfortable there. Then we moved to Scotland. I managed to try one after a year, but I tried to go too short and my sister told me not to do that again and I was mortified. So over a year later, I went to someone different but they barely cut anything and I didn't know how to say it wasn't what I wanted so was too hard to go back. Then it was the pandemic and I was kind of glad it normalised not going and cutting your own hair. But that didn't last of course, and I've tried phoning other places but was told that weren't taking clients (I think they didn't like the sound of me and I was trying to get my kids a haircut), and years later I couldn't even get through. I wasn't strong enough to try again this year. 

Now with the diagnosis, my husband says he can call for me (I struggle with phonecalls), but I need to find somewhere I want him to try, as I have to like the look of the place on street view. And hopefully get the kids in too as my son currently only lets me cut his, but he's going to high school next year and I want to give him a chance at not looking like his mum does his hair. And my daughter is 8 and never been so I want to show her it's okay. 

It's so so hard isn't it. Can you get someone to give you a trim till your regular person can do it? Or maybe get someone to help make an appointment/ go with you to help?  It's a real genuine struggle!

As a former hairdresser I can honestly say I'm appalled at the way some hairdressers are so bad, they don't listen and do what they want rather than what I've asked for and I can speak thier language!

EP, if you want a short cut, how about getting a set of clippers and doing it yourself? Good ones will have combs that come in a range of lenghts, basically 1mm per comb, the comb is the bit that fits over the clippers.  Theres s set on amazon for £21 that go up to 25mm and down as far as 1mm if you want to go full on skin head, they're whal ones and thats the make most professionals use..

Maybe it would also be an option for your kids CW? As for yourself or anyone looking for a hairdresser, I'd go in the salon and look at the stylists if they all have the same or a very similar style you can be pretty sure that you will get that style too. It's a good idea to have a look at some styles so as you can show them somethings you like, not all may suit your hair or how much time you want to spend on it of a morning. Maybe your husband could go with you, have a chat with them before booking an appointment, many hairdressers will have seen bad haircuts and have clients who have had something done that wasn't what they asked for.

As a former hairdresser I can honestly say I'm appalled at the way some hairdressers are so bad, they don't listen and do what they want rather than what I've asked for and I can speak thier language!

EP, if you want a short cut, how about getting a set of clippers and doing it yourself? Good ones will have combs that come in a range of lenghts, basically 1mm per comb, the comb is the bit that fits over the clippers.  Theres s set on amazon for £21 that go up to 25mm and down as far as 1mm if you want to go full on skin head, they're whal ones and thats the make most professionals use..

Maybe it would also be an option for your kids CW? As for yourself or anyone looking for a hairdresser, I'd go in the salon and look at the stylists if they all have the same or a very similar style you can be pretty sure that you will get that style too. It's a good idea to have a look at some styles so as you can show them somethings you like, not all may suit your hair or how much time you want to spend on it of a morning. Maybe your husband could go with you, have a chat with them before booking an appointment, many hairdressers will have seen bad haircuts and have clients who have had something done that wasn't what they asked for.

I would much prefer they cut it dry but people always seem to be reluctant. It is so different wet to dry I don't see how they can possibly cut it correctly wet.

I live in an extremely not culturally mixed area so I guess hair dressers in my area are unlikely to have that experience.

I am trying to persuade myself to ring the salon closest to me tomorrow and try and book in. Simply because it is easier to process trying this salon when I know exactly where it is and can picture the outside. I'll see how that conversation goes if I manage it. Baby steps.

But thank you for all your advice. It is interesting hearing from someone that understands both hair and autism.

Wow your knowledge is very helpful, there is a lot of things to look for in a good hairdresser. 

I was going to suggest making sure you EP gets a script prepared for calling up to make an appointment that might be good to get help with. Such as asking if they have experience with curly hair (or have covered it if it's a training salon). It sounds like a good thing to lead with when calling up, then could go on to asking about any sensory requirements. 

I imagine training people are less likely to talk too much as they will be concentrating!

Edit: to be a bit more clear. I was suggesting Expecto_Patronum writing out a script to use on the phone, and you could give pointers TheCatWoman ?

I think curly hair can be easier to cut dry than wet, very curly hair will stretch quite a lot when wet and its easy to take to much off. I wouldn't spray down curly hair as its often not as evenly wet as when properly shampooed. A training salon should be able to manage different types of hair better, different hair types are all covered in training, so trainees will have to learn to deal with it.

Going to a salon in a culturally mixed area might be a good idea as they will likely have more experience with a variety of hair types. I don't know your ethnicity and nor do I need too, but there are plenty of European people with hair that curls from the root, just the same as people of African descent, some European people with very curly hair may find products aimed at African hair better for them, alot of people don't realise that curly hair can be dry and need conditioning just as much as European and Asian hair.

One thing I will say to everyone, when seeing a new hairdresser, if the try and get you to have your hair shampooed before looking at your hair when dry, turn around and walk out. A good hairdresser will want to see how your hair behaves when dry, where growth patterns are, things like your crown and where your neck hair starts, also how much hair you have. Is there loads of it, is it thin and sparse, I've had people come to me insisting they want a "Rachel" from friends, when they have 2 hairs and a parting, they're not going to be able to have that, they simply don't have enough hair, but there are plenty of other style options for them, a good stylist will gently but firmly talk them through they're options. 

A training salon will be used to both male and female clients, some will run barvering courses, but you don't have to go to the barbering class if you don't want too.

I always got on well with my young clients by treating them like a grown-up and involving them as much as possible in deciding how they wanted their hair cut, what I was doing and why. I made into as much of a game as I could, by making them feel grown-up and in control.

There are so many elements that I dislike. I don't particularly like being touched or people in my space so that is a problem to start with but as you say there isn't much that can be done about that. This may sound awful and judgemental but I really don't mean it this way - one person that has cut my hair was a larger lady and I found this particularly challenging as it really felt she was in my space in every way. Obviously not something she could do anything about and not a judgment of her but something I'm aware is more difficult for me.

I definitely dislike the shampooing etc. It feels painful when they wash my hair and massage the scalp. People dont tend to want to dry cut my hair as it's curly. The most recent used a spray bottle which was better but I don't know whether a salon would do this.

I struggle with them talking to me. This is a problem with the person that usually does it. She chats whether I respond or not. I would prefer to sit in silence but struggle to communicate this.

I also worry about them cutting it correctly. I have found some people don't understand curly hair. They don't understand how much it jumps up once dry which has led to some dodgy hair cuts. This has left me with anxiety about having too much off but is also frustrating when they don't take enough off. This is a particular problem at the moment as I have gone over. This would make me worry about going to a trainee as some experienced hairdressers have got that so wrong.

I also worry about people not listening to me. I dont like it being styled. I just want them to cut it. I have previously had over enthusiastic hairdressers that have felt the need to style it how they want which I do not like at all. I don't want it to look different. When I voiced this to one they responded "well that's why people go to the hairdressers isn't it, to be pushed out of their comfort zone" and went ahead and did it anyway. "No I go to the hairdresser's to get my hair cut. End of story". Safe to say I never returned to that person.

This is part of why I'm finding it so difficult to contact a new salon. It is so much to explain, I'd struggle to do that face to face. I'd rather be able to message or email but I'm not finding many that have this function.

That's great advice, I will look into the training salon as I don't have anywhere I go anyway. 

My son is tricky, he doesn't like razors and has it fairly long for a boy so I have to cut with scissors. When he was small he did go to the barber with my husband but decided they cut it too short for his liking. I thought taking him to a more female/unisex salon might work, if I had somewhere to take him. 

But non of us had a diagnosis before. Now I finally understand our sensory issues, as well as the social issues. Maybe it won't feel so impossible as I have language now to talk about it.

And it's reassuring to find there are other people who find it difficult too. Everyone seems to love going so it makes your feel weird when you don't.

Thats one reason why I think it's important to have a personal recomendation or a consultation where you can explain your needs and fears.

It is an odd situation, it's intimate, but fully clothed, it may help if you can break down what you dislike about the experience? Is it having your hair shampooed, or having it sprayed down, the finishing process of drying and tweeking? I know a lot of people find the proximity and being touched difficult, but there's not a lot anyone can do about that. If you dislike being shampooed or sprayed down, you could ask for a dry cut.

One of the things that both you and CinnebarWing could try is a training salon at your local college, now take a deep breath and sit back down as I can hear the panic as I'm typing. You would have a trainee as your hairdresser, but as they are a trainee they will be being trained in best practice, they will be overseen by a teacher who will check and monitor thier work, a college may also be more aware of special needs and accomodations. 

I used to go to the training salon before I ever thought about it as a career choice, I just became fascinated by it. A cut will take longer as they're still learning and they have to get everything they do checked by their supervisor, it's also cheaper too. The other thing is on the rare occaison something might go wrong and this is something I've never experinced, someone better trained will be there to help sort it out, they won't be in a huff or anything with you, but upset that you've had a bad time and want to put it right. But most of the time, it's all ok just takes a bit longer and costs less.

My wording may have been confusing. Although I don't like it getting long. It isn't short short so would not be simple to do at home.

Hairdressers not listening is one of my big concerns with going to someone new.