Feeling guilty

Thanks again, Coogybear!

I've added the videos to my YouTube account, to watch when I get the chance.

Hello again Dasp,

 As a supporter of children with special needs you may also find the attached link helpful, perhaps even for your daughter as well.

www.youtube.com/watch

Additionally, Tony Attwood has also done a series (7) of short youtube videos. Ist link below. I highly reccommend you see them all.

www.youtube.com/watch

I checked the book Socks reccommended and I think it's by valerie Gaus, not Hilary as suggested. Link Below

www.amazon.co.uk/.../ref=nb_sb_noss

Apologies also, as I referred to your child as your son, not your daughter.

Guilt has very much been a part of the failure of acceptance for me. Since coming to terms with my condition, I'm finding I beat myself with the proverbial 'Guilt stick' slightly less often.

Keep an open mind and heart, best of luck.

Coogybear XX

Thanks, socks, I'll look that one up! :-)

Dasp said:

I do sometimes feel like a bit of an imposter, as I haven't undergone therapy or suffered what you might call 'severe depression'

These aren't essential for a diagnosis! They are just common by-products of the condition. Don't apologise or feel embarassed about this, it isn't your fault and there isn't anything "wrong" with you. We are just different to a lot of other people who are different to us. They don't apologise for their difference and neither should you.

Going back to one of your questions about living with the condition, I read "Living Well on The Spectrum" by Hilary Gaus and found it really useful and full of practical stuff about ways to have a better life and take control of your life.

Thanks, Coogybear! I really appreciate you taking the time to write a lengthy response.

Still on the fence about diagnosis, but I do appreciate why it can be helpful to some.

I do sometimes feel like a bit of an imposter, as I haven't undergone therapy or suffered what you might call 'severe depression' - but I would say at times there seems to be a relentless accumulation of little niggles that affect my choices, feelings, decisions; as well as those of my wife (I will call her my wife, as although we aren't married, we have put up with each other for more than two decades!). Throughout much of my adult life, in fact, I have felt relatively 'normal' - although since becoming a parent, I have become much more aware of my condition. Children are wonderful, but they ask a hell of a lot of us, which is doubtless a challenge for NT folk - but since having my daughter, my aspie boundaries have become much more visible to me. I have the greatest admiration for you being able to cope with four! (do you mind me asking their ages?)

Thanks for mentioning Tony Attwood! Not heard of the name before, but just done a quick search, found his blog and read this...

www.tonyattwood.com.au/.../about-aspergers

In all but just a few ways, that is so me! It's good to have things clarified. I think I may order his book... and send this link to my mum, who, although she works with adults with ASD (on the profound end of the spectrum, I think), is in denial about me.

Regarding my own daughter, re diagnosis etc, I do see traits in her which are highly suggestive of Aspergers, but she also thankfully seems to have her mother's social confidence tipping the balance, so I think I will see how things go for now - her teachers are highly supportive of her 'uniqueness,' so that's good enough for now.

I try to accept who I am - in fact most of the time I manage it quite well - but there are times, like recently, when decisions are made or not made, solely or largely because of what I can or can't cope with. I appreciate you saying that my wife's decision is hers alone, and I agree that my condition and what I can cope with isn't the only factor (she's never been totally sure of this career move), but as much as I can (in my lighter moments) rationalise this, and tell myself that in a healthy relationship/family, compromises are always made (and necessary)... guilt is a bit of  a constant companion to me. If I wasn't aspie, she would be training to be a teacher. If I wasn't aspie, I wouldn't have taken so long to agree to have a child, and that child may even have had one or two siblings by now. I can rationalise and rationalise, but the guilt is always there.

"Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come."

I will keep taking deep breaths! I will keep peering outside the box!

Your 'ramblings' make a lot of sense and are definitely of some help.

Thanks again... :-)

Hi Dasp,

 Welcome. I am a female Aspie; nearly 50, and have only recently been diagnosed. I have four children, two of whom are on the Spectrum. My life has read like a Greek tragedy!

I've been in therapy for many years now, with severe anxiety and depression related to my then undiagnosed condition and some of the terrible consequenses of my inherant naivety and the subsequent abuse i've suffered throughout my life. In my darkest times; like you, I have also contemplated that the life of my family would be better with my absence.

Although I felt sure someting was wrong with me, I also knew I was solely responsible for my sons inheritance of ASD. Yet the link between my difficulties and my sons evaded me. I beat myself up constantly for my own inability to manage things in the same way as others, yet this conflicted greatly with my feelings of denial and a reluctance to research on my part; the condition or its affects, either for my sons or myself. A protracted period of nearly 12 years has slipped by with my deteriorating mental health, with no real support and me deparately trying to cope with everyday living and two family members also on the spectrum.

Since my diagnosis, a weight has been lifted from me.

Now, also having done some research, everything makes so much sense. It seems by Tony Attwoods schema. I'm a steriotypical female Aspie with all the dreadful trials and experiences that come with it, as well as the good aspects of having been a carer of others most of my life.

Knowing, with some certainty through actual diagnosis has been life altering for me. No one has rushed to my aid. No one has offered help or assistance. I don't recieve special assitance or any dispensation, just the answer to why life has been so hard for me.

As with my childrens diagnosis, I've been left to get on with it and yet knowing that the events in my life were not my fault, but part of a genetic quirk, has brought me a huge sense of peace. I am who I am, and those who know me accept me.

Despite my failings, I'm a good person, with a lot to give. I care for my boys and others I encounter in my journey through life and share my experiences in the same way you do, in support of others on the Spectrum on this forum, when I can.

Diagnosis is not a cure and no wand will be waved. Diagnosis is about accepting who you are, taking that awareness and starting a new chapter of your life consenting to the fact that you will not change. It's OK to be you and not the 'mask' others need to see.

In life we have choices, but all too often we can get caught in the cyclic thought that their is only 'one' solution.

Forgive me for being direct here, but I would say that your partners decision not to continue with her study, is her decision alone. (I'm no professional, but I would also venture that their maybe an underlying additional reason for her decision here, that maybe is less apparent to you. Perhaps even a crisi of confidence on her part, about her future. Faced with such dilemas its easy to project our reasons onto others and I say this only because I've unwittingly done it myself. Feeling unsupported I've blamed others for some of my descions. Yet the real reason for them was my own fear of failure.) You are not responsible for anothers choices, any more than I was responsible for another persons decision to assult me.

Armed with the true knowledge of ones own limitations we can however, become better adept at ensuring these events don't happen again. We can also form new strategies of coping and look beyond the cycle of limitations we always revert to in times of crisis.

Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come. Talk with your wife in a calmer moment. Perhaps she too has additional worries you are unaware of. With reflection, open up to the possibility that more than one choice is possible here. If you feel it would help, perhaps consider a therapist who is Autism Aware, to help both you and your wife move forward with a path that gives both of you some certainty

My ASD has dramatically affected my boys and their future. Would I wish it on them or any other child? No! Can I change it? No! Would I be without my children? No! Can I make a difference to their lives by arming them with the tools of safety and support I never had? Most Definately! Your son is sure to become a better, kinder and more compassionate individual by benefiting from your experience.

Clearly, you are a sensitive soul. Be kind to yourself. Only then can you begin to open up to other possibilities beyond that cycle of thinking that their is only one solution. Understanding and being able to live with are not separte things, they are facets of the same coin. True accepance of one, will make the other more manageble.

I hope my ramblings make sense and are of some help.

Regards

Coogybear xx

sammyb... I am 42 and it was first pointed out to me by my partner, a Psychology graduate, that I seemed to be on the spectrum... I wasn't convinced at first, but then over the followed two decades, as I found out more about ASD, in particular Aspergers, it became more and more obvious - culminating in my working with children with ASD since 2010.

I suppose, if I was to speculate on a response to your (and my!) question re diagnosis, it could help you to understand yourself better and give clarity and a sense of "officialness" when you are seeking understanding from others. I don't think I personally need more clarity on what my condition is, more I'm looking for support and advice on how to live with it - and help those who I live with to live with it!

Can I just ask Dasp? how long have you known you have the condition? and, this again is another question I ask myself what would a diagnosis give me?

Thanks for your reply, 'socks'!

I have talked to my partner about the fact that a few people reccomend getting a diagnosis. It seems, though, like a lot of hard work for... what? I feel like I know enough about Aspergers to understand why I am as I am, and the person to whom it matters the most that she 'understands' (my partner)... understands, I think, as much as she can. Understanding and being able to live with, however, are very different things. What would you say are the benefits of getting a diagnosis?

(ps. I also work with children with Aspergers and concurrent conditions, which helps me not only to feel like I am using my experience to help others, but to understand myself better - working in the field and living it are again, though, very different things...)

Welcome to the forum, you are in the right place to get some help :-)

there are a number of people on the forum who have got into a position where the condition seems to control their lives too much. There is no avoiding the condition, we have this for life (not just for xmas) and it has an impact on our lives every day. However, there are a number of other people on the forum who have found ways to live with the condition but to retain the upper hand in keeping things in balance.

Personally, i at age 56 got the diagnosis 3 months ago and have found the knowledge that came with the diagnosis liberating. i feel less stressed and angry about everything than i have done for a long time.