• Replies 10 replies
  • Subscribers 81 subscribers
  • Views 7154 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Feeling guilty

Dasp

My partner of 20 years has recently made a couple of big decisions because of my 'ways.' A few months ago it was to not have a second child... and just yesterday, after an argument, she came to the decision that she didn't want to go through training to become a teacher, as she felt I would resent the disruption to my 'routine,' having to take on more childcare duties, etc, too much. I virtually begged her not to make this decision because of me - saying we could work things out, I could try harder to accept the changes and upheaval, so that she could retrain for a career which would be for the betterment of our family. She said that after living with me for 20 years and having much experience of what I could and could not cope with, that her mind was made up and as much as she constantly works at accepting my 'ways,' she just couldn't deal with the hard work that retraining would entail alongside what she felt would be inevitable resentment by me.

Much of the time, I have become pretty good at putting on my NT mask, acting 'normal' and often actually managing to feel pretty 'normal,' but it's times like these, when my condition directly and substantially impacts upon my/our life, that I hate the fact that my brain is as it is! When we had our argument yesterday, after we had calmed a bit, we talked about how I can go on holiday, have family days out, etc - but these sorts of situation always have an underlying uncomfortableness for me, on account of the unfamiliarity of surroundings and routine, the social pressures, etc. Again I feel guilty, as although I can find some enjoyment in such things, my partner knows (as I am sure our presently 6-year-old child will come to learn) that I am 'happiest' when I am in familiar surroundings and not having to socially interact with anyone. My partner has learned to deal with this, but how can I inflict this upon our child?!

In my darkest moments, I feel like they would be better off without me - they could get on with living a normal life, doing normal family things, without my 'weirdness' constantly butting in and affecting things... :-(

Parents

  • Thanks, Coogybear! I really appreciate you taking the time to write a lengthy response.

    Still on the fence about diagnosis, but I do appreciate why it can be helpful to some.

    I do sometimes feel like a bit of an imposter, as I haven't undergone therapy or suffered what you might call 'severe depression' - but I would say at times there seems to be a relentless accumulation of little niggles that affect my choices, feelings, decisions; as well as those of my wife (I will call her my wife, as although we aren't married, we have put up with each other for more than two decades!). Throughout much of my adult life, in fact, I have felt relatively 'normal' - although since becoming a parent, I have become much more aware of my condition. Children are wonderful, but they ask a hell of a lot of us, which is doubtless a challenge for NT folk - but since having my daughter, my aspie boundaries have become much more visible to me. I have the greatest admiration for you being able to cope with four! (do you mind me asking their ages?)

    Thanks for mentioning Tony Attwood! Not heard of the name before, but just done a quick search, found his blog and read this...

    www.tonyattwood.com.au/.../about-aspergers

    In all but just a few ways, that is so me! It's good to have things clarified. I think I may order his book... and send this link to my mum, who, although she works with adults with ASD (on the profound end of the spectrum, I think), is in denial about me.

    Regarding my own daughter, re diagnosis etc, I do see traits in her which are highly suggestive of Aspergers, but she also thankfully seems to have her mother's social confidence tipping the balance, so I think I will see how things go for now - her teachers are highly supportive of her 'uniqueness,' so that's good enough for now.

    I try to accept who I am - in fact most of the time I manage it quite well - but there are times, like recently, when decisions are made or not made, solely or largely because of what I can or can't cope with. I appreciate you saying that my wife's decision is hers alone, and I agree that my condition and what I can cope with isn't the only factor (she's never been totally sure of this career move), but as much as I can (in my lighter moments) rationalise this, and tell myself that in a healthy relationship/family, compromises are always made (and necessary)... guilt is a bit of  a constant companion to me. If I wasn't aspie, she would be training to be a teacher. If I wasn't aspie, I wouldn't have taken so long to agree to have a child, and that child may even have had one or two siblings by now. I can rationalise and rationalise, but the guilt is always there.

    "Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come."

    I will keep taking deep breaths! I will keep peering outside the box!

    Your 'ramblings' make a lot of sense and are definitely of some help.

    Thanks again... :-)

Reply

  • Thanks, Coogybear! I really appreciate you taking the time to write a lengthy response.

    Still on the fence about diagnosis, but I do appreciate why it can be helpful to some.

    I do sometimes feel like a bit of an imposter, as I haven't undergone therapy or suffered what you might call 'severe depression' - but I would say at times there seems to be a relentless accumulation of little niggles that affect my choices, feelings, decisions; as well as those of my wife (I will call her my wife, as although we aren't married, we have put up with each other for more than two decades!). Throughout much of my adult life, in fact, I have felt relatively 'normal' - although since becoming a parent, I have become much more aware of my condition. Children are wonderful, but they ask a hell of a lot of us, which is doubtless a challenge for NT folk - but since having my daughter, my aspie boundaries have become much more visible to me. I have the greatest admiration for you being able to cope with four! (do you mind me asking their ages?)

    Thanks for mentioning Tony Attwood! Not heard of the name before, but just done a quick search, found his blog and read this...

    www.tonyattwood.com.au/.../about-aspergers

    In all but just a few ways, that is so me! It's good to have things clarified. I think I may order his book... and send this link to my mum, who, although she works with adults with ASD (on the profound end of the spectrum, I think), is in denial about me.

    Regarding my own daughter, re diagnosis etc, I do see traits in her which are highly suggestive of Aspergers, but she also thankfully seems to have her mother's social confidence tipping the balance, so I think I will see how things go for now - her teachers are highly supportive of her 'uniqueness,' so that's good enough for now.

    I try to accept who I am - in fact most of the time I manage it quite well - but there are times, like recently, when decisions are made or not made, solely or largely because of what I can or can't cope with. I appreciate you saying that my wife's decision is hers alone, and I agree that my condition and what I can cope with isn't the only factor (she's never been totally sure of this career move), but as much as I can (in my lighter moments) rationalise this, and tell myself that in a healthy relationship/family, compromises are always made (and necessary)... guilt is a bit of  a constant companion to me. If I wasn't aspie, she would be training to be a teacher. If I wasn't aspie, I wouldn't have taken so long to agree to have a child, and that child may even have had one or two siblings by now. I can rationalise and rationalise, but the guilt is always there.

    "Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come."

    I will keep taking deep breaths! I will keep peering outside the box!

    Your 'ramblings' make a lot of sense and are definitely of some help.

    Thanks again... :-)

Children
No Data