My partner of 20 years has recently made a couple of big decisions because of my 'ways.' A few months ago it was to not have a second child... and just yesterday, after an argument, she came to the decision that she didn't want to go through training to become a teacher, as she felt I would resent the disruption to my 'routine,' having to take on more childcare duties, etc, too much. I virtually begged her not to make this decision because of me - saying we could work things out, I could try harder to accept the changes and upheaval, so that she could retrain for a career which would be for the betterment of our family. She said that after living with me for 20 years and having much experience of what I could and could not cope with, that her mind was made up and as much as she constantly works at accepting my 'ways,' she just couldn't deal with the hard work that retraining would entail alongside what she felt would be inevitable resentment by me.
Much of the time, I have become pretty good at putting on my NT mask, acting 'normal' and often actually managing to feel pretty 'normal,' but it's times like these, when my condition directly and substantially impacts upon my/our life, that I hate the fact that my brain is as it is! When we had our argument yesterday, after we had calmed a bit, we talked about how I can go on holiday, have family days out, etc - but these sorts of situation always have an underlying uncomfortableness for me, on account of the unfamiliarity of surroundings and routine, the social pressures, etc. Again I feel guilty, as although I can find some enjoyment in such things, my partner knows (as I am sure our presently 6-year-old child will come to learn) that I am 'happiest' when I am in familiar surroundings and not having to socially interact with anyone. My partner has learned to deal with this, but how can I inflict this upon our child?!
In my darkest moments, I feel like they would be better off without me - they could get on with living a normal life, doing normal family things, without my 'weirdness' constantly butting in and affecting things... :-(
