Feeling guilty

Hi Dasp,

 Welcome. I am a female Aspie; nearly 50, and have only recently been diagnosed. I have four children, two of whom are on the Spectrum. My life has read like a Greek tragedy!

I've been in therapy for many years now, with severe anxiety and depression related to my then undiagnosed condition and some of the terrible consequenses of my inherant naivety and the subsequent abuse i've suffered throughout my life. In my darkest times; like you, I have also contemplated that the life of my family would be better with my absence.

Although I felt sure someting was wrong with me, I also knew I was solely responsible for my sons inheritance of ASD. Yet the link between my difficulties and my sons evaded me. I beat myself up constantly for my own inability to manage things in the same way as others, yet this conflicted greatly with my feelings of denial and a reluctance to research on my part; the condition or its affects, either for my sons or myself. A protracted period of nearly 12 years has slipped by with my deteriorating mental health, with no real support and me deparately trying to cope with everyday living and two family members also on the spectrum.

Since my diagnosis, a weight has been lifted from me.

Now, also having done some research, everything makes so much sense. It seems by Tony Attwoods schema. I'm a steriotypical female Aspie with all the dreadful trials and experiences that come with it, as well as the good aspects of having been a carer of others most of my life.

Knowing, with some certainty through actual diagnosis has been life altering for me. No one has rushed to my aid. No one has offered help or assistance. I don't recieve special assitance or any dispensation, just the answer to why life has been so hard for me.

As with my childrens diagnosis, I've been left to get on with it and yet knowing that the events in my life were not my fault, but part of a genetic quirk, has brought me a huge sense of peace. I am who I am, and those who know me accept me.

Despite my failings, I'm a good person, with a lot to give. I care for my boys and others I encounter in my journey through life and share my experiences in the same way you do, in support of others on the Spectrum on this forum, when I can.

Diagnosis is not a cure and no wand will be waved. Diagnosis is about accepting who you are, taking that awareness and starting a new chapter of your life consenting to the fact that you will not change. It's OK to be you and not the 'mask' others need to see.

In life we have choices, but all too often we can get caught in the cyclic thought that their is only 'one' solution.

Forgive me for being direct here, but I would say that your partners decision not to continue with her study, is her decision alone. (I'm no professional, but I would also venture that their maybe an underlying additional reason for her decision here, that maybe is less apparent to you. Perhaps even a crisi of confidence on her part, about her future. Faced with such dilemas its easy to project our reasons onto others and I say this only because I've unwittingly done it myself. Feeling unsupported I've blamed others for some of my descions. Yet the real reason for them was my own fear of failure.) You are not responsible for anothers choices, any more than I was responsible for another persons decision to assult me.

Armed with the true knowledge of ones own limitations we can however, become better adept at ensuring these events don't happen again. We can also form new strategies of coping and look beyond the cycle of limitations we always revert to in times of crisis.

Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come. Talk with your wife in a calmer moment. Perhaps she too has additional worries you are unaware of. With reflection, open up to the possibility that more than one choice is possible here. If you feel it would help, perhaps consider a therapist who is Autism Aware, to help both you and your wife move forward with a path that gives both of you some certainty

My ASD has dramatically affected my boys and their future. Would I wish it on them or any other child? No! Can I change it? No! Would I be without my children? No! Can I make a difference to their lives by arming them with the tools of safety and support I never had? Most Definately! Your son is sure to become a better, kinder and more compassionate individual by benefiting from your experience.

Clearly, you are a sensitive soul. Be kind to yourself. Only then can you begin to open up to other possibilities beyond that cycle of thinking that their is only one solution. Understanding and being able to live with are not separte things, they are facets of the same coin. True accepance of one, will make the other more manageble.

I hope my ramblings make sense and are of some help.

Regards

Coogybear xx

Hi Dasp,

 Welcome. I am a female Aspie; nearly 50, and have only recently been diagnosed. I have four children, two of whom are on the Spectrum. My life has read like a Greek tragedy!

I've been in therapy for many years now, with severe anxiety and depression related to my then undiagnosed condition and some of the terrible consequenses of my inherant naivety and the subsequent abuse i've suffered throughout my life. In my darkest times; like you, I have also contemplated that the life of my family would be better with my absence.

Although I felt sure someting was wrong with me, I also knew I was solely responsible for my sons inheritance of ASD. Yet the link between my difficulties and my sons evaded me. I beat myself up constantly for my own inability to manage things in the same way as others, yet this conflicted greatly with my feelings of denial and a reluctance to research on my part; the condition or its affects, either for my sons or myself. A protracted period of nearly 12 years has slipped by with my deteriorating mental health, with no real support and me deparately trying to cope with everyday living and two family members also on the spectrum.

Since my diagnosis, a weight has been lifted from me.

Now, also having done some research, everything makes so much sense. It seems by Tony Attwoods schema. I'm a steriotypical female Aspie with all the dreadful trials and experiences that come with it, as well as the good aspects of having been a carer of others most of my life.

Knowing, with some certainty through actual diagnosis has been life altering for me. No one has rushed to my aid. No one has offered help or assistance. I don't recieve special assitance or any dispensation, just the answer to why life has been so hard for me.

As with my childrens diagnosis, I've been left to get on with it and yet knowing that the events in my life were not my fault, but part of a genetic quirk, has brought me a huge sense of peace. I am who I am, and those who know me accept me.

Despite my failings, I'm a good person, with a lot to give. I care for my boys and others I encounter in my journey through life and share my experiences in the same way you do, in support of others on the Spectrum on this forum, when I can.

Diagnosis is not a cure and no wand will be waved. Diagnosis is about accepting who you are, taking that awareness and starting a new chapter of your life consenting to the fact that you will not change. It's OK to be you and not the 'mask' others need to see.

In life we have choices, but all too often we can get caught in the cyclic thought that their is only 'one' solution.

Forgive me for being direct here, but I would say that your partners decision not to continue with her study, is her decision alone. (I'm no professional, but I would also venture that their maybe an underlying additional reason for her decision here, that maybe is less apparent to you. Perhaps even a crisi of confidence on her part, about her future. Faced with such dilemas its easy to project our reasons onto others and I say this only because I've unwittingly done it myself. Feeling unsupported I've blamed others for some of my descions. Yet the real reason for them was my own fear of failure.) You are not responsible for anothers choices, any more than I was responsible for another persons decision to assult me.

Armed with the true knowledge of ones own limitations we can however, become better adept at ensuring these events don't happen again. We can also form new strategies of coping and look beyond the cycle of limitations we always revert to in times of crisis.

Take a deep breath. Peer outside the box for a moment and the answer will come. Talk with your wife in a calmer moment. Perhaps she too has additional worries you are unaware of. With reflection, open up to the possibility that more than one choice is possible here. If you feel it would help, perhaps consider a therapist who is Autism Aware, to help both you and your wife move forward with a path that gives both of you some certainty

My ASD has dramatically affected my boys and their future. Would I wish it on them or any other child? No! Can I change it? No! Would I be without my children? No! Can I make a difference to their lives by arming them with the tools of safety and support I never had? Most Definately! Your son is sure to become a better, kinder and more compassionate individual by benefiting from your experience.

Clearly, you are a sensitive soul. Be kind to yourself. Only then can you begin to open up to other possibilities beyond that cycle of thinking that their is only one solution. Understanding and being able to live with are not separte things, they are facets of the same coin. True accepance of one, will make the other more manageble.

I hope my ramblings make sense and are of some help.

Regards

Coogybear xx