Why do people tell others to work on themselves before or instead of a relationship?
Why do people tell others to work on themselves before or instead of a relationship?
You've had some really good responses Ava could I just add something small and simple.
I believe if you enter into a relationship in a good place (happy with/without a relationship) it's more likely to work.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have.
I've only discovered this in the last few years.
For example learning your attachment style can be a revelation.
Learning I had a disorganized attachment style sucked but it made sense. I'm learning i can give myself comfort and reassurance, while also learning what a steady relationship actually looks like with my therapist.
I haven’t heard anybody saying exactly that, but I’ve often heard people say “work on yourself and not on the other person”.
In this context my understanding is that we can change ourselves, but we can’t change other people.
Most of us aren’t responsible for other people’s actions, we can only work on ourselves to make ourselves feel or act differently. If we try to change the other, it can harm the relationship.
If somebody in a relationship is doing something morally wrong, it can sometimes be acceptable to ask them to stop.
Trying to keep this simple...
Generally:
Because nobody is perfect, life doesn't come with a handbook, road map or itinerary. It is made up as we go.
Understanding what the heck is going on e.g. social communication, can be particularly hard as an autistic person. (hehe as I type this I am probably demonstrating that as far as some people might assess things!)
Getting "better" oneself in terms of skills, knowledge and emotional well being is really handy as human relationships come with "give and take" that calls upon these things. This is reasonable and fair and good advice I believe.
However put in this context - overall because these days there is huge pressure to be..... something other than what one is .... often more than one is able to be at present... The only answer we are given to getting better is growth.
Perhaps cynically because then the person who is not able can be blamed or held personally responsible when they are not able to be successful.
Anyway my observation is that such pressure makes people feel unhappy with themselves and makes them feel that the only way to be happy is to be "better versions" of themselves.
This pressure makes people less able to be happy so guess what - they are less likely to be the best version of themselves..
Unhappy people are easier to push around by selfish people to get to do things that are bad for most people but good for the really selfish ones.
Advertising relies on this principle.
Which appears to me what is happening for the vast swathes of humanity. Until they are pushed to far and then... who knows?
Then you accept it and find someone who accepts you as you are not as how they think you ought to be. If you're refering to autism, then it will be harder, but not impossible. None of us should have to mould ourselves according to the expectations of others, there's lots of things people can't help and if someone is put off by those things then they shouldn't even consider a relationship with you, or you with them.
It's not instead of having a relationship because it won't cure being alone. But before having one, or before the next one. You can also do it while in one.
It is for a number of reasons, all related to avoiding to the relationship becoming dysfunctional, in particular becoming co-dependent or worse. Ideally you should be with someone because you want to be, not because you are too scared to leave.
Ideally you want two emotionally secure people who can form a partnership to take on life. So each person can go away knowing the other person is ok, there are no trust issues, it is all built on solid foundations.
Note this doesnt mean you have to do everything, or that you can't ask for help, or expect the other person to do their fair share. But since there will inevitably be disagreements, you need to be able to set boundaries and defend yourself.
I never knew any of this when I was younger.
Why do people tell others to work on themselves before or instead of a relationship?
A big part of this is if you don't value yourself enough then you tend to let others opinions have more weight than your own so you don't find a healthy balance.
Finding your own "worth" takes a lot of self reflection and maturity which also helps you assess the other potential partner better. It reduces the likelihood of being taken advantage of, of being too compliant and helps you negotiate terms of engagement with the potential partner to suit your needs & wants.
In some ways it is a bit like having your car checked over before puting it into a race - failure to check can result in the wheels falling off, the exhaust backfiring and lack of performance - much is the same for relationships.
That is the high level answer I think.
