Feeling low

This resonates with me as it sounds like my early life, I was bullied right the way through school even one University then at work. Don't ever feel you need to rise to people who make you feel this way, in acting the way they do they reveal themselves to others.  I experience hate every day I go out. Even today just going on the bus to go shopping, I have been barged past pushed verbally insulted. Still I know this is one isolated person, but it can sometimes feel like everyone is on your back. Its them who is not getting along, they need to integrate and adapt me to us.

LonelyColour said:

People just really dislike me and it sucks to realise as an adult that it was because of my autism and that it will never change.

I don't think that's necessarily true. I was bullied too and had psychologically bullying parents. I now realize many people had been taking out their life grudges  and frustrations. It could have been on anyone, but I 'just happened to be there' and didn't argue or run off like other people. I wonder if this book might help - the title is about love but it's basically about any human relationship - it helped me:

'The Course of Love' - Alain de Botton. It helps you understand negative traits of human nature that exist in everyone. It also helps you be more tolerant of and love yourself, which is absolutely essential.

LonelyColour said:

I have to follow Swim England standards as a qualified teacher, and she runs a business and there are a lot of things she doesn't understand because she doesn't have the teaching experience or qualification, and she prioritises customer satisfaction.

Are the standards you refer to laws, regulations or guidelines? 

I ask this as I know many autists have issues in separating when rules can be bent or broken safely. It took me around 20 years to get my head around this.

We can be dogmatic about following the rules but if there are no significant consequences of it from the governing bodies then they are only really guidelines and can be considered as flexible if the situation requires it.

LonelyColour said:

My C-PTSD gets really triggered and I fall into emotional flashback and I struggle to function.

This is hard to live with. Have you tried therapy to work through the issues and develop a healthier response? I found it very helpful and my reactions to being triggered have improved hugely.

If you choose this route, just make sure the therapist really understands autism otherwise they will struggle to understand and connect with you.

I always think of something I heard Anthony Hopkins say once: ‘What other people think of me is none of my business”. Of course it’s not entirely true (I definitely care what my husband and children think about me for instance!) and at work it’s more complex admittedly- but it’s not a bad phrase to bring to mind in many situations. 

I’m so glad you’re feeling better about it. I can’t tell you how much I relate to your comments about obsessing of this and getting stuck in a loop and not being able to think about anything else - this is such a familiar thing to me. I think writing a letter (that you will never sent) is actually a really good idea. Getting your thoughts down on paper ‘gets it out’ in some ways doesn’t it? My husband deals with a lot of ‘the general public’ and the fact is that some of them are a complete nightmare - they cab rude, demanding, unreasonable and totally irrational. That’s people for you! It’s hard to protect one’s own state of mind from other people’s state of mind isn’t it? Btw - have you heard of ‘Rejection sensitive dysphoria’? I only found out about this year and I feel that it definitely applies to me. It’s interesting. I’m really glad you’re feeling better now - and you sound like a great teacher to me - because you obviously are really committed to your work and genuinely care about what you do. 

I can totally relate about not being able to seperate the feedback from the personal hurt. As part of my job I get feedback on everything until it passes, but lately that got harder to deal with till I got my feedback one day and cried for 2 hours. But they keep telling me I'm not being judged and I know that logically, but it can still be difficult. But I've been seeing that others have such feedback too, sometimes getting the same piece getting repeated feedback, so I have been able to seperate myself a bit from it again. 

Being a parent and sitting up in the viewing area for swimming lessons, parents are always complaining why aren't their kids progressing faster (and this isn't really down to the teachers, some kids just get it faster than others as you know.)

Thank you Kate,

Yes, I feel better now.

My boss said that I should note that this was only one negative feedback out of the many positives they receive, so I should try not to overthink it. It's complicated with my boss because I don't feel very supported by her. There's a lot of technicalities around teaching that I won't bore you with, but basically one of my problems is our differences on how we view teaching. I have to follow Swim England standards as a qualified teacher, and she runs a business and there are a lot of things she doesn't understand because she doesn't have the teaching experience or qualification, and she prioritises customer satisfaction.

The customers were really harsh, they told her that they have wasted their money with me and that they want another teacher. So next term they have given me a different class, which I am happy with.

I feel like if I had been able to explain my teaching methods and the reason why I do the things I do, they would have understood. I have taken everything they said on board anyway, and I am ready to do things differently in the future. In fact I already have a bunch of ideas.

The constructive side of problems like this it's fine, I am very analytical and I am glas to have negative feedback sometimes because it allows me to develop better ideas. It's the emotional side and trauma responses that I continue to struggle with.

My C-PTSD gets really triggered and I fall into emotional flashback and I struggle to function. Yesterday I could have done so many things around the house, but I was busy writing a letter that I will never send and chatting with chat GPT to help me analyse my boss's email and which parts of it felt invalidating and why, and I kept obsessing about it on a loop. I find it really difficult to get out of these loops. I basically spent the whole day thinking about this and nothing else.

But I seem to have calmed down now so hopefully with time these obsessions last less and less :)

Thank you so much, this helped x

I see that this post is 3 days old - I hope that you’re feeling a bit better now? I know that feeling about ‘feeling disliked’ by neurotypical people - I’ve felt that a lot too. It’s hurtful and can make you feel very paranoid in your interactions with people. Having complaints made about you at work - anyone would find that stressful and worrying. What did your boss say to you about it? Was your conversation with him constructive? As you say - often your classes are well received - so try to focus on that because that is evidence that you are doing a lot that is really good. Also - maybe really take on board the comments and analyse why they arose - perhaps just from you having a bad day, or them having a bad day, or maybe you could find little pointers in their comments that could help you to be a more effective teacher? Somehow maybe there’s a communication issue here that you could consider and learn from? Try not to take it too personally. I remember my husband telling me the other day that one person that he works with had made a complaint about one of the female people he works with - and everyone was mystified because the complaint was completely invalid and everyone else thinks this person is great. So try not to take it too personally and to heart. Treat these comments analytically rather than as a personal attack on your character. Often we feel people dislike us when in actual fact they don’t as well. Sometimes I’ve had conversations with someone and I’ve walked away and said “I’m sure that person doesn’t like me” and my husband has been completely confused as he felt the person hadn’t given that impression at all. Either way - try to let this go and move on. Dwelling on it too much just adds to the distress - it’s in the past now and your next classes could go great. 

I have never worked out how to get along with people. I am always on the outside looking in. In my late 60’s I am realising I am on the AS. It has helped me understand the why of it. I am trying to navigate learning new ways of dealing with the "other" lot.

You say you wish you were not Autistic.  Can I suggest you cannot change what you are. If someone doesn’t GET you it is their loss.  

I'm sad to hear thisLonelyColour 

You are dealing with one of the most difficult groups of people, in my humble opinion. So hats off to you for meeting this challenge.!!

I would try to focus on your effectiveness in doing your job. You are obviously very skilled because as you say 

LonelyColour said:

It's not always like this and in fact most parents love me and prefer me to other teachers.

Try not to let being autistic get you down. I know it's tough and sometimes I wish I wasn't autistic. We shouldn't have to hide who we are, but moving forward this may change.We are already seeing changes as people become more aware of what autism actually is.

Some people will love your honesty and straightforwardness. Most people hide their love and admiration for others. You may have lots of people who feel this way about you but just don't show it.

BTW people should only be concerned with your effectiveness at doing your job. Everything else has nothing to do with them.!!

The people that matter in life will love the real you.

(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠

Thank you so much, I feel a little less rubbish now. I have to learn to stop caring what people think of me!

Sorry to hear you had a bad day. I've had plenty of these and they can build up.

LonelyColour said:

Cause the intensity with which neurotypicals dislike us is also very strong. I really think some hate us deeply.

I found it helps to realise that they are probably projecting their own self hate and unhappiness at you - so when I find someone being unreasonably obnoxious I tend to feel sorry for them and when that sympathetic look seems to enrage them well it reinforces my belief.

You are the trained teacher so you know what you are doing - they are just some vessel for their own kids and when their kids are underperforming they feel that as an extension of their own self worth. Their kids are probably getting a hard time at home as a result of this unhappy parent.

Don't let these haters get you down - pity them instead and go on with your life confident you are doing your job they way it should be done.

LonelyColour said:

I wish I wasn't autistic.

I get this - on balance I would much rather be neurotypical even if it meant losing some of my "superpowers" that are more often a budren than a boon.

However it is baked into us and will never change so finding ways to endure better is about all that is open to us.

My secret was to learn to stop caring what people thought of me - once you can remove that source of harm them you steal most of their power to hurt you. I use mindfulness to consider if they are worth taking seriously and can then comfortably ignore their amateur hour feelings about my job.

It also frees up so much energy from worrying about their opinions - i can highly recommend it.