I thought I'd just write it down here.
I've had a bit of a miserable day.
I teach swimming and I've had a bunch of complaints from parents about my teaching style. They've complained to my boss that I am too direct, don't motivate the kids, and too blunt or that the way I've said the things wasn't very delicate towards the kids.
It's not always like this and in fact most parents love me and prefer me to other teachers. But with this group we somehow didn't click, and I get so stressed and frustrated sometimes that my mask falls.
I just feel a bit rubbish today, because I remember how people have disliked me all my life. I was bullied in primary school, in secondary school, in college and in several of my jobs. People just really dislike me and it sucks to realise as an adult that it was because of my autism and that it will never change.
I wish I wasn't autistic. I know a lot of people say it's a superpower and they are proud and stuff like that, but it's not like that for me. It sucks to be autistic and I wish I wasn't. It sucks to be disliked all the time, and to have to be constantly adjusting your face expressions and tone of voice so that people don't dislike you. Cause the intensity with which neurotypicals dislike us is also very strong. I really think some hate us deeply.
