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Feeling low

LonelyColour

I thought I'd just write it down here.

I've had a bit of a miserable day.

I teach swimming and I've had a bunch of complaints from parents about my teaching style. They've complained to my boss that I am too direct, don't motivate the kids, and too blunt or that the way I've said the things wasn't very delicate towards the kids. 

It's not always like this and in fact most parents love me and prefer me to other teachers. But with this group we somehow didn't click, and I get so stressed and frustrated sometimes that my mask falls.

I just feel a bit rubbish today, because I remember how people have disliked me all my life. I was bullied in primary school, in secondary school, in college and in several of my jobs. People just really dislike me and it sucks to realise as an adult that it was because of my autism and that it will never change.

I wish I wasn't autistic. I know a lot of people say it's a superpower and they are proud and stuff like that, but it's not like that for me. It sucks to be autistic and I wish I wasn't. It sucks to be disliked all the time, and to have to be constantly adjusting your face expressions and tone of voice so that people don't dislike you. Cause the intensity with which neurotypicals dislike us is also very strong. I really think some hate us deeply.

Parents

  • I see that this post is 3 days old - I hope that you’re feeling a bit better now? I know that feeling about ‘feeling disliked’ by neurotypical people - I’ve felt that a lot too. It’s hurtful and can make you feel very paranoid in your interactions with people. Having complaints made about you at work - anyone would find that stressful and worrying. What did your boss say to you about it? Was your conversation with him constructive? As you say - often your classes are well received - so try to focus on that because that is evidence that you are doing a lot that is really good. Also - maybe really take on board the comments and analyse why they arose - perhaps just from you having a bad day, or them having a bad day, or maybe you could find little pointers in their comments that could help you to be a more effective teacher? Somehow maybe there’s a communication issue here that you could consider and learn from? Try not to take it too personally. I remember my husband telling me the other day that one person that he works with had made a complaint about one of the female people he works with - and everyone was mystified because the complaint was completely invalid and everyone else thinks this person is great. So try not to take it too personally and to heart. Treat these comments analytically rather than as a personal attack on your character. Often we feel people dislike us when in actual fact they don’t as well. Sometimes I’ve had conversations with someone and I’ve walked away and said “I’m sure that person doesn’t like me” and my husband has been completely confused as he felt the person hadn’t given that impression at all. Either way - try to let this go and move on. Dwelling on it too much just adds to the distress - it’s in the past now and your next classes could go great. 

Reply

  • I see that this post is 3 days old - I hope that you’re feeling a bit better now? I know that feeling about ‘feeling disliked’ by neurotypical people - I’ve felt that a lot too. It’s hurtful and can make you feel very paranoid in your interactions with people. Having complaints made about you at work - anyone would find that stressful and worrying. What did your boss say to you about it? Was your conversation with him constructive? As you say - often your classes are well received - so try to focus on that because that is evidence that you are doing a lot that is really good. Also - maybe really take on board the comments and analyse why they arose - perhaps just from you having a bad day, or them having a bad day, or maybe you could find little pointers in their comments that could help you to be a more effective teacher? Somehow maybe there’s a communication issue here that you could consider and learn from? Try not to take it too personally. I remember my husband telling me the other day that one person that he works with had made a complaint about one of the female people he works with - and everyone was mystified because the complaint was completely invalid and everyone else thinks this person is great. So try not to take it too personally and to heart. Treat these comments analytically rather than as a personal attack on your character. Often we feel people dislike us when in actual fact they don’t as well. Sometimes I’ve had conversations with someone and I’ve walked away and said “I’m sure that person doesn’t like me” and my husband has been completely confused as he felt the person hadn’t given that impression at all. Either way - try to let this go and move on. Dwelling on it too much just adds to the distress - it’s in the past now and your next classes could go great. 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Thank you Kate,

    Yes, I feel better now.

    My boss said that I should note that this was only one negative feedback out of the many positives they receive, so I should try not to overthink it. It's complicated with my boss because I don't feel very supported by her. There's a lot of technicalities around teaching that I won't bore you with, but basically one of my problems is our differences on how we view teaching. I have to follow Swim England standards as a qualified teacher, and she runs a business and there are a lot of things she doesn't understand because she doesn't have the teaching experience or qualification, and she prioritises customer satisfaction.

    The customers were really harsh, they told her that they have wasted their money with me and that they want another teacher. So next term they have given me a different class, which I am happy with.

    I feel like if I had been able to explain my teaching methods and the reason why I do the things I do, they would have understood. I have taken everything they said on board anyway, and I am ready to do things differently in the future. In fact I already have a bunch of ideas.

    The constructive side of problems like this it's fine, I am very analytical and I am glas to have negative feedback sometimes because it allows me to develop better ideas. It's the emotional side and trauma responses that I continue to struggle with.

    My C-PTSD gets really triggered and I fall into emotional flashback and I struggle to function. Yesterday I could have done so many things around the house, but I was busy writing a letter that I will never send and chatting with chat GPT to help me analyse my boss's email and which parts of it felt invalidating and why, and I kept obsessing about it on a loop. I find it really difficult to get out of these loops. I basically spent the whole day thinking about this and nothing else.

    But I seem to have calmed down now so hopefully with time these obsessions last less and less :)