Un-Masking (Advice please)

I think I need both, but I am slow at adapting to novel social situations, and switching modes in my head is becoming harder. I might need to decide one or the other or get stuck in a horrible feeling.

I am starting to think of unmasking as the reality.

Thanks Lotus.Your responses are always really reflective.The thing is I was doing it for years building up this armour, thinking I was the only person in the world who had these feelings. Based on statistically very few negative experiences.Its so strange, like love we all have similar experiences but it feels so unique to us. My days are mostly 100 percent alone time, I think I spend about 85-90% of my year alone. When I am well rested and relaxed with people I know that is we I know I am being me. Where there is any conflict or underlying friction where there often is with young men around this is what I will avoid.

I agree, the problem is that most people seek the approval of others or to at least appear socially conscious. I don't really have the slightest interest in group social situations, dynamics, or what people I don;t know think of me. Its more to do with self improvement to know I am being the most undisingenuous person I can be. It has affected me to the point of melt down in the past, notably when relationships have ended I can find it hard to do anything. I read a new book yesterday (and bought the audio verion) called The Autistics Guide to Self-Discovery. There are some helpful chapters at the end which highlight these pitfalls of masking as denial and ignoring the warning signs that burnout is imminent. I would strongly recommend this to anyone here.

For me, I don't think I am looking to "unmask" completely. I have been masking for 45 years so it's very tricky to completely separate the real me from the masked me. I am looking to be myself as much as I can when alone and with my family, and to cut down on the number of social situations where I need to mask, plus taking breaks when I am in those situations, without feeling guilty or useless.

Yes your'e right. If I had too much time to make the choice I would rarely engage. As initiation requires my engagement and interest,  I think my only choice is to not let people know that its tied to that or when I am unmasking - that way I can test the water...

"spontenaity is far better for being and giving authenticity. Its less of a problem when I am relaxed" 

you've nailed it yes pietro_21 

so... :-)

"those who attempt to disturb and disrupt me"  hmmmm.....

"my interest and enjoyment to prolong engagement"

maybe the opportunity to exercise choice in these matters as part of a long term strategy?

Autistic people mask for a reason, that reason being that it is advantageous to appear and behave like the majority. Masking/camouflaging is not a problem in and of itself, in many ways it is a solution. It is only a problem if doing it impacts on the individual autist's wellbeing. The most common deleterious impact is that of exhaustion, maintaining a mask in public is exhausting, it takes mental effort. This exhaustion can lead to autistic burnout. However, this is not an inevitable outcome. It is possible to pace socialising and take time out to recover. Masking can also impact other types of poor mental health, this occurs when the social, study or work pressures exceed an individual's abilities to cope. Having to perform in a public arena where socialising or work productivity are expected, can be made worse by having to mask in addition. 

Personally, I was perturbed by coming across the concept of 'unmasking' and it being presented in autism circles as necessary or it being a panacea for all that ails autists. I could not envisage how to do it and was doubtful of its advantages. I have come to the conclusion that unmasking probably helps some autistic people, but not all. Not me.

I found it useful to remind myself exactly what autistic masking is.

"Autistic people have described masking as:

• hyper-vigilance for and constant adaptation to the preferences and expectations (whether expressed, implied or anticipated) of the people around you
• tightly controlling and adjusting how you express yourself (including your needs, preferences, opinions, interests, personality, mannerisms and appearance) based on the real or anticipated reactions of others, both in the moment and over time"

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking

I feel that for me, the first description applies to being with family and friends and the second applies more to when I was at work.

A few years before I retired, I did start trying to not control or adjust how I expressed myself so much when I was at work. During that time it felt like I became a bit more accepted by some of my colleagues, maybe because I seemed more relaxed and/or authentic. But talking about my love of video games was still something I didn't mention much, as I felt that people thought it was "odd" and possibly a bit "childish". I still felt like I masked to a certain extent at work, but I think everyone does. I'm so glad I don't have to work any more though, as it was often exhausting. It's hard to change after decades of acting.

I stopped seeing most of my remaining family members and lost touch with most friends before I realised I was on the spectrum. This is something that would have bothered me years ago, but now it doesn't. I have a partner that I don't mask around, and I'm also quite happy having a bit of alone time each day. My authentic self doesn't need to "fit in".

The new you is another shell. I just want to feel closer but still have some sort of armour available (instead of a soft carapace).

I don't see how unmasking could feel natural at this point. Without hesitancy

Its slightly hypothetical in that it is still a mask even if emotionally I feel its removed, its also the synergy with others and how genuinely I they feell about those relationships. Some of the advice only suggests preparing seems counterintuitive, when actually spontenaity is far better for being and giving authenticity. Its less of a problem when I am relaxed. My awareness that there will always be those who attempt to disturb and disrupt me. It would probably require my interest and enjoyment to prolong engagement without shields up.

Thanks this is helpful. I don't classify it as my insecurity though others might as I am largely outnumbered in public and in the workplace. Minimisation of those affects aimed at me, and reducing mental load does seem to be the reason. A constant defence when there are times I don't need it switched on.

The first thing is to be clear what masking things you do. There are many elements. I listed them in my masking thread.

Then think about which ones you want to stop and where are when you might do it.

There are different ones you do under different circumstances too.

If you have emotional neglect issues, you will also do more because of that.

The main thing really is to address why you are doing them, which is basically insecurity, fear, self doubt, etc., then work on removing some of the anxiety and being more confident.

At least this is what I am doing. Fix the root cause rather than the symptoms. 

If you reduce the mental load you can get out of burnout. Then the trauma can be addressed.

Then you can integrate your emotions and things look less scary and you can do more.

Without being in flight/flight mode all the time you can then sleep.

anxiety management strategies?

Tricky thing is that "unmasking" helps to get in a window of more comfortable and effective function from an "inside out" basis.

Taking the mask off when one is outside of the effective comfortable range can be a big social faux pas from an "outside in" basis that only the brave, confident and maybe heavily resourced are equipped for.

The way I feel some of the time removing my mask would make life in neurotypical society damn near impossible - despite laws governing discrimination etc.

So as has been well put, pick time and place as able (mistakes will happen - so make sure they're unlikely to cause too much collateral damage to be managed) and go for it.

Masks within masks?  Hmm... reads like pealing an onion, could end in tears and nothing left!  After a bit of practice one gets accustomed to who one is - of course this changes with how one is feeling at the time and getting a hang on that is a separate but very closely linked issue...

A long term strategy to engineering ones life so that the environment one inhabits is more conducive to being unmasked and "authentic" maybe?

I agree with your quote about your authentic shell.

I feel like the Hermit crab, I've taken my old shell off and I feel exposed and vulnerable. I keep trying other shells but they don't fit properly.

The autism group feels so comfortable like I've found my new shell/home, but that's only a few hours a week.

I'm trying to allign it with mindfulness and self-compassion. It feels outside the box perhaps because I haven't been in my authentic shell for a while.

It makes me axtious just thinking about it.

I would maybe try a little bit and see if that feels comfortable for you. I think going to fast might be too much at once. Slow pacing could help. I dont know tbh honest. Take care

I’m still learning to unmask too.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed is when I’m at my autism group. I can just breathe there. Being with them makes me realise how hard I’m trying in other settings to fit in without even noticing.

I’m taking it slowly and choosing moments where it feels safe to be myself.

I’d be interested to hear how others experience it.