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Minefield of friendships

NAS96504

I was diagnosed with autism in my early 30's and about ten years I'm still trying to find out who I am. Navigating relationships is really hard and I've been friends with someone for over two years now.

She's incredibly lovely and she made a huge effort to get to know me, although we have never really gone beyond anything meaningful. I never met her ex husband or her boyfriend of a year. I bumped into her today and I asked if we could meet one weekend, but she said that weekends aren't good for her, as her ex looks after their son at the weekend; I think she wants our children to hang out. However I know that she meets up with other friends at the weekend with their children.

She was always the one to contact me to meet up, but then I made the effort more. I was part of a friend group with her briefly, at a baby group which is how we met, but they all ghosted me; she's still friends with two of them. I feel like a second rate friend. We have arranged to meet the Friday after next, but I'm thinking that if she doesn't contact me, I might just give up.

My eldest has started school and I've made some really nice mum friends, but I'm petrified that they won't want to be my friend at some point. Trying to navigate neurotypical social world is so confusing and it literally makes no sense.

It might be a case of, she's just not that (platonically) into you, in which case, I think moving on emotionally would be a good idea, especially as I get the feeling that I'll never meet her new boyfriend.

  • in reply to NAS96504

    I know it can be easier said than done, but try to focus on the enjoyment you experience from spending time with your mum friends, rather than dwelling on what may or may not happen in the future. Slight smile

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    I did do a worse case scenario of; what if they don't want to be my friend anymore? It would be awkward, but I have other friends, so it would've matter so much. I'd just go and stand in a different place in the playground. 

  • In reading your post I think you are asking about starting a relationship romantically with the woman in question so I'll respond to this. Apologies if I misread the ask.

    NAS96504 said:
    It might be a case of, she's just not that (platonically) into you, in which case,

    I think you are right here. The signals you mention are just those of a friend, not a close one but one you share things in common with (the kids) 

    If you do want to confirm if there is any romantic connection then ask would be my recommendation. A conversation along the lines of "I often wondered if there was ever any romantic element to our frindship but it is not something we ever talked about. What do you think?"

    Be prepared for a laugh (eg "oh god no, you  are just a friend") or a change in tone to a colder, more distand tone if she thinks you are only interested in her romantically and not as a friend.

    It also helps to be prepared in case she deflects it back at you with a "what do you think?" type resonse.

    If it were me I would respond with something like "I would like there to be but it don't want to affect our friendship which is why I asked. I'm OK if we continue as we are but wondered if I sensed a spark there".

    This gives her the opening to either let you down politely or perhaps open the subject for her to think more.

    This would be how I would do it.

  • I don't know how useful my response will be, but I have found that some people like to keep their friendships separate from their relationships, which could be why you were never introduced to this friend's ex-husband, or her current boyfriend. For some women, it's a form of escapism that enables them to spend time away from their partners, and talk about things their partners probably wouldn't be interested in, and/or want to hear.

    As autists, we can sometimes be our own worst enemies, particularly if we have had bad experiences in the past. We can be prone to conjuring up the worst-case scenario and fixating on it. You have said that you are petrified your circle of mum friends won't want to remain friends in the future. You are worrying about something that might not ever happen.