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Minefield of friendships

NAS96504

I was diagnosed with autism in my early 30's and about ten years I'm still trying to find out who I am. Navigating relationships is really hard and I've been friends with someone for over two years now.

She's incredibly lovely and she made a huge effort to get to know me, although we have never really gone beyond anything meaningful. I never met her ex husband or her boyfriend of a year. I bumped into her today and I asked if we could meet one weekend, but she said that weekends aren't good for her, as her ex looks after their son at the weekend; I think she wants our children to hang out. However I know that she meets up with other friends at the weekend with their children.

She was always the one to contact me to meet up, but then I made the effort more. I was part of a friend group with her briefly, at a baby group which is how we met, but they all ghosted me; she's still friends with two of them. I feel like a second rate friend. We have arranged to meet the Friday after next, but I'm thinking that if she doesn't contact me, I might just give up.

My eldest has started school and I've made some really nice mum friends, but I'm petrified that they won't want to be my friend at some point. Trying to navigate neurotypical social world is so confusing and it literally makes no sense.

It might be a case of, she's just not that (platonically) into you, in which case, I think moving on emotionally would be a good idea, especially as I get the feeling that I'll never meet her new boyfriend.

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  • I feel you on this. The part where you said you made more of an effort but then they ghosted you, I’ve been there. The more effort I make with friends the more they seem to pull back from me which is confusing. I’ve also been ghosted by friends and it is heartbreaking, to put so much time and effort into a platonic relationship for them to just throw it away, throw you away. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I have the same fears everytime I strike up a new friendship I feel like eventually they will get bored of me and bin me off like others have. I don’t really have any advice here however what I can say is that you’re not alone. I always feel like it’s my fault, that I do something wrong. But reading your post and hearing that others are going through the same thing makes me feel slightly less on my own in this. I think when a neurodivergent person tries to navigate neurotypical friendships especially groups of, there seems to be a disconnect somewhere along the way. Which we can’t see or understand, they don’t bother to explain instead they move on or walk away. 

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  • I feel you on this. The part where you said you made more of an effort but then they ghosted you, I’ve been there. The more effort I make with friends the more they seem to pull back from me which is confusing. I’ve also been ghosted by friends and it is heartbreaking, to put so much time and effort into a platonic relationship for them to just throw it away, throw you away. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I have the same fears everytime I strike up a new friendship I feel like eventually they will get bored of me and bin me off like others have. I don’t really have any advice here however what I can say is that you’re not alone. I always feel like it’s my fault, that I do something wrong. But reading your post and hearing that others are going through the same thing makes me feel slightly less on my own in this. I think when a neurodivergent person tries to navigate neurotypical friendships especially groups of, there seems to be a disconnect somewhere along the way. Which we can’t see or understand, they don’t bother to explain instead they move on or walk away. 

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