Minefield of friendships

I was diagnosed with autism in my early 30's and about ten years I'm still trying to find out who I am. Navigating relationships is really hard and I've been friends with someone for over two years now.

She's incredibly lovely and she made a huge effort to get to know me, although we have never really gone beyond anything meaningful. I never met her ex husband or her boyfriend of a year. I bumped into her today and I asked if we could meet one weekend, but she said that weekends aren't good for her, as her ex looks after their son at the weekend; I think she wants our children to hang out. However I know that she meets up with other friends at the weekend with their children.

She was always the one to contact me to meet up, but then I made the effort more. I was part of a friend group with her briefly, at a baby group which is how we met, but they all ghosted me; she's still friends with two of them. I feel like a second rate friend. We have arranged to meet the Friday after next, but I'm thinking that if she doesn't contact me, I might just give up.

My eldest has started school and I've made some really nice mum friends, but I'm petrified that they won't want to be my friend at some point. Trying to navigate neurotypical social world is so confusing and it literally makes no sense.

It might be a case of, she's just not that (platonically) into you, in which case, I think moving on emotionally would be a good idea, especially as I get the feeling that I'll never meet her new boyfriend.

Parents
  • I don't know how useful my response will be, but I have found that some people like to keep their friendships separate from their relationships, which could be why you were never introduced to this friend's ex-husband, or her current boyfriend. For some women, it's a form of escapism that enables them to spend time away from their partners, and talk about things their partners probably wouldn't be interested in, and/or want to hear.

    As autists, we can sometimes be our own worst enemies, particularly if we have had bad experiences in the past. We can be prone to conjuring up the worst-case scenario and fixating on it. You have said that you are petrified your circle of mum friends won't want to remain friends in the future. You are worrying about something that might not ever happen.

  • I did do a worse case scenario of; what if they don't want to be my friend anymore? It would be awkward, but I have other friends, so it would've matter so much. I'd just go and stand in a different place in the playground. 

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