Going no contact with a parent

Hi Bellathewhiterabbit  

This is a tough one. I am in a similar situation. I only realized my mum had narcissistic tendencies when I started therapy. She used to call me thick, lazy, selfish and she was extremely volatile and controlling. The worst thing is I used to believe her. It has been difficult but I've slowly reduced contact to the point where we only speak now and again.

It was really difficult at first and it felt physically painful not to contact her. I felt so guilty, but it has got easier over time. 

There was never any way back into the relationship when I tried to tell her how she made me feel she would get angry and defensive, she would sap any joy I had left right out of me. 

The way I manage to cope is because I know I've tried to explain to my mum how much I am affected by her behavior but she isn't willing to adapt, so I refuse to let her continue to crush me. 

Please don't forget who you really are, you are so much more than anyone's opinion of you. 

I have a son who I love unconditionally and I'm learning that not all mum's are able to do this because of their unresolved issues.

Sending a warm hug your way.༼⁠ ⁠つ⁠ ⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠ ⁠༽⁠つ

I was reading this and thinking that it wasn't what you needed. It sounds like you are expected to bend over backwards to do whatever your mother expects of you, and it doesn't matter to her what you are going through. This is not a healthy relationship, and certainly not one you should have to work at. Time may heal the relationship with your siblings, right now I wouldn't try to force it, as it sounds like it might be interpreted wrong anyway. Just keep letting them be a silent member of your group conversation and give them space. You are always there then when they decide to reply.

I don't think it's up to you to rebuild the relationship, rather on them to not have crazy expectations of you. It's toxic if you are an adult and your mother still demands obedience and deference. And your explanation of your childhood confirms this dynamic. 

Be strong, allow time to play out and tempers to cool, and see how things look then. In the mean time, look after yourself, as it sounds like you really need this most of all!

Thank you so much Lotus 

Bellathewhiterabbit said:

, I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world, I feel like I am selfish and ungrateful like she always used to say. 

I can feel your pain, as someone who also had difficult family relationships. Please remember that you are not a bad person - just because she is your mother doesn't mean she is always right about you, or about anything else either. 

I am not telling you that you shouldn't try to have a relationship with her, but it sounds like it's going to be a strain for you to try to find common ground and communicate with each other without causing guilt or bad feelings. Ask yourself what you need, and use that to help you decide.

My opinion is that adult relatives should respect each other and try to understand each other's needs, and if that doesn't happen and there is no real connection or shared interests I don't see any point in stressing oneself out trying to make it work. Also we can be influenced by what others might think of us, but as autistic people we need to remember to care for ourselves and to learn not to care what others think. And sometimes we aren't born into our real family - we have to find them.

I hope that you find the support and connection you need here on this forum. 

Bellathewhiterabbit said:

I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world

That's a feeling I am all too familiar with.

I am not going to tell you what I think you should or shouldn't do, but just to say that I can relate to some of your thoughts and feelings. The relationship I have with my mother has never been easy, and there have been numerous times in my life when I have been incredibly tempted to cease all contact. Whilst I will often go for weeks or sometimes months without seeing or speaking to my mother, one of the things that has stopped me from cutting contact completely is knowing that it would likely result in causing all sorts of problems for the wider family.

Earlier this year, I had been invited to a lunch to celebrate the 70th birthday of an aunt, who also happens to be my mother's twin-sister. Although large social gatherings aren't my thing, I knew it would be an opportunity to see members of my wider family that I like and get on well with, and hadn't seen for several years. After mulling it over, I declined the invitation because the prospect of spending more than 5 minutes in my mother's company, and the knowledge of how it would affect me, far outweighed the potential benefits of seeing and spending time with other members of my family.

I will often read or hear about other women who have incredibly close relationships with their mothers, to the extent that they are more like close friends and thoroughly enjoy spending time together. It's the kind of relationship that I know my mother would love to have with me. Sometimes I do feel guilty that I am unable to provide her with the kind of mother-daughter relationship she yearns for.

Bellathewhiterabbit said:

they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong

I think that the number of people and who they are and what they know might be telling here for the balance of evidence as what's going on?

Yup experienced this.

How would I cope?  Well...

While other people can influence how you feel you can choose to accept or reject it.  Not saying it's easy - especially when it is someone that one loves and has had to rely and depend upon especially when one's own personal mental and emotional strengths feel at a low ebb.

You can choose to accept or reject how their emotions make you feel, and your own mindset and motivations play a key role in how much you are influenced by others.

Exercising a mindset and motivation in different areas can maybe a make it a transferable skill into ones where it has not previously been applied.    Including how we feel about ourselves.  Pop a bit of change in the collection box near a till - you're not selfish...  Thank someone for the care they've taken to give you space to move - you're not ungrateful...  there's proof :-)

On the BBC website today I picked up a bit of advice to say "I don't" rather than "I can't" - if we say "I can't" it leaves the way open to arguing that one can learn to or to develop the ability.  "I don't" is not so easy to argue with...

Swap "I couldn't cope" to "I don't cope" in your post.  Oh and add nobody else would reasonably be expected to do so either in the circumstances described...

Someone the other day was going on to me and a group about the need for people to be more resilient -  I told them how much I disliked that expression as people "not being resilient enough" is an excuse for bullies and tyrants to carry on behaving as they do.

I hope that you still feel I've been lovely to you even tho' I am supporting your family in suggesting that you consider further to  do something that feels wrong.

Maybe it feels "wrong" because it is not what you would normally do.  Maybe doing something different to normal would increase the chance of a different outcome that might be better for all concerned?

Best Wishes :-)

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I can see that you meant to help, and I appreciate that.

I just want to share that some parts of your message were a bit painful for me to read. I’ve already spent a long time feeling blamed for things that weren’t my fault, especially when it comes to how my mum reacts to me. I didn’t overshare to embarrass her I was reaching out for connection while I was burned out and struggling, I thought it was what she wanted, she asked me for connection. 

I understand families are complicated, and I’ve tried really hard to repair things in the past. But I reached a point where continuing to try was only hurting me more. Right now, I’m focusing on healing and feeling safe again, not on fixing relationships that make me feel unsafe. Relationships that have never existed in the first place, just a bit more of context, my dad raised me (he is autistic as well), until they got divorced and I had to live with my mum because it was what she wanted and my dad wouldn't be able to provide to me by himself at the time, my mum never wanted to have a girl, she told me that several times, she used to get physical with me when I was little and my dad wasn't able to stop it anymore.

I do appreciate your perspective, even if I see it differently. I just wanted to clarify that my goal in sharing here was to find understanding and gentle support, not to be judged for my life choices.

I think there is still a lot of stigma around any mental health issue for most peope and this is what you are seeing from your family. 

They don't know how to react, they probably feel wary in case you turn out to be a bit crazy (this reflects their lack of awareness), they are probably on the spectrum themselves so don't have good social skills (since autism is highy hereditary) and people are just people so you need to realise they are quite capable of being flawed.

What I would do in your position is start to build on your relationship with the family who are shunning you - keep the conversation going but remember not to make it about you. Ask them how they are doing, take an interest in their lives, hobbies, family etc and be interested in them.

Autists have a bad habit of being self centric so we talk about us and not ask about others. This is seen as selfish by the uninformed but it reflects out world view typically so if helps to analise our behaviour and see where we can improve in our interactions.

Expect some relationships to never improve, but keep the effort up anyway if you want there to ever be a chance of getting a healthier balance.

Bellathewhiterabbit said:

her reply was "you have to understand I am not your mate, I am your mother"

It sounds like you may have been oversharing and embarrased her in some way. When you have a better situation with her, ask about this and ask if you offended her or caused embarrasment - listen to the response carefully and do not get defensive and you may find the cause of the issue.

The sibling who is not talking to you may be closer to your mum and is taking her side in this, seeing you as the villan. If you can salvage the relationship with your mum then this could go a long way to improving the relationship with him too.

Just keep in mind it isn't something to be fixed but rather rebuilt slowly to regain that lost trust.

It sounds like you have autism running in the family so I would expect all sorts of dysfunctions to be found there. Sometimes it is better to accept it as what it is and learn to live with what you have. Make the most of the good parts, nurturing them with some effort and keep an olive branch extended to the others who are keeping their distance.

Families can be complicated things but don't let them define you.