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Going no contact with a parent

Bellathewhiterabbit

I have spoken to some of you about it and we share the same experience but going no contact is new to me, I didn't want to cut off my mum, but it all started with a burn out, I was living in another country and I was tying to keep a good relationship with my mum, texting her about the new things I discovered, giving her updates, basically trying to have a normal relationship. But then I got a job that was too overwhelming to me, I was on a "personal" break which I had the right to, and my boss said "what the f*ck are you doing? Get back to work now" and during that break I was asking my work mates about how to get psychological support. I spent one month without actively texting anyone, that takes a lot of energy from me, but I would reply to the messages I had. One day my mum texted me, she was clearly mad at me for not texting for a bit less than a month (that is usual of me) I explained gently that I was having a burn out, dealing with bullying at work and I wasn't able to message anyone, her reply was "you have to understand I am not your mate, I am your mother" and she didn't text me ever since, if I try to talk to her she will only reply with short answers, not trying to have a conversation at all. We did have a short break in between, but she basically blamed my partner (who she never met) for my "change of behaviour" or she brings up bad things I did when I was a kid and shame me for it. I couldn't cope, I stopped trying it's been 4 months now, but I have two little brothers and one of them is not talking to me, we have a group chat and only one of them (he is also autistic) is replying, the other one reads the messages and ignores it all, I want to be in contact with them because I am scared my mum is doing the same she's done to me, I wanna be there to support them. 

With all that happened, most days I feel guilty, some other days I accept that it's just my reality, I get a bit of support from the rest of my family, as my mum doesn't speak to my grandma, auntie, uncles, basically no one else in the family, they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong, I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world, I feel like I am selfish and ungrateful like she always used to say. 

If you have experienced this, how do you cope? 

Thank you do much for the attention and support, you have been lovely to me

Parents
  • Bellathewhiterabbit said:
    I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world

    That's a feeling I am all too familiar with.

    I am not going to tell you what I think you should or shouldn't do, but just to say that I can relate to some of your thoughts and feelings. The relationship I have with my mother has never been easy, and there have been numerous times in my life when I have been incredibly tempted to cease all contact. Whilst I will often go for weeks or sometimes months without seeing or speaking to my mother, one of the things that has stopped me from cutting contact completely is knowing that it would likely result in causing all sorts of problems for the wider family.

    Earlier this year, I had been invited to a lunch to celebrate the 70th birthday of an aunt, who also happens to be my mother's twin-sister. Although large social gatherings aren't my thing, I knew it would be an opportunity to see members of my wider family that I like and get on well with, and hadn't seen for several years. After mulling it over, I declined the invitation because the prospect of spending more than 5 minutes in my mother's company, and the knowledge of how it would affect me, far outweighed the potential benefits of seeing and spending time with other members of my family.

    I will often read or hear about other women who have incredibly close relationships with their mothers, to the extent that they are more like close friends and thoroughly enjoy spending time together. It's the kind of relationship that I know my mother would love to have with me. Sometimes I do feel guilty that I am unable to provide her with the kind of mother-daughter relationship she yearns for.

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  • Bellathewhiterabbit said:
    I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world

    That's a feeling I am all too familiar with.

    I am not going to tell you what I think you should or shouldn't do, but just to say that I can relate to some of your thoughts and feelings. The relationship I have with my mother has never been easy, and there have been numerous times in my life when I have been incredibly tempted to cease all contact. Whilst I will often go for weeks or sometimes months without seeing or speaking to my mother, one of the things that has stopped me from cutting contact completely is knowing that it would likely result in causing all sorts of problems for the wider family.

    Earlier this year, I had been invited to a lunch to celebrate the 70th birthday of an aunt, who also happens to be my mother's twin-sister. Although large social gatherings aren't my thing, I knew it would be an opportunity to see members of my wider family that I like and get on well with, and hadn't seen for several years. After mulling it over, I declined the invitation because the prospect of spending more than 5 minutes in my mother's company, and the knowledge of how it would affect me, far outweighed the potential benefits of seeing and spending time with other members of my family.

    I will often read or hear about other women who have incredibly close relationships with their mothers, to the extent that they are more like close friends and thoroughly enjoy spending time together. It's the kind of relationship that I know my mother would love to have with me. Sometimes I do feel guilty that I am unable to provide her with the kind of mother-daughter relationship she yearns for.

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