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Going no contact with a parent

Bellathewhiterabbit

I have spoken to some of you about it and we share the same experience but going no contact is new to me, I didn't want to cut off my mum, but it all started with a burn out, I was living in another country and I was tying to keep a good relationship with my mum, texting her about the new things I discovered, giving her updates, basically trying to have a normal relationship. But then I got a job that was too overwhelming to me, I was on a "personal" break which I had the right to, and my boss said "what the f*ck are you doing? Get back to work now" and during that break I was asking my work mates about how to get psychological support. I spent one month without actively texting anyone, that takes a lot of energy from me, but I would reply to the messages I had. One day my mum texted me, she was clearly mad at me for not texting for a bit less than a month (that is usual of me) I explained gently that I was having a burn out, dealing with bullying at work and I wasn't able to message anyone, her reply was "you have to understand I am not your mate, I am your mother" and she didn't text me ever since, if I try to talk to her she will only reply with short answers, not trying to have a conversation at all. We did have a short break in between, but she basically blamed my partner (who she never met) for my "change of behaviour" or she brings up bad things I did when I was a kid and shame me for it. I couldn't cope, I stopped trying it's been 4 months now, but I have two little brothers and one of them is not talking to me, we have a group chat and only one of them (he is also autistic) is replying, the other one reads the messages and ignores it all, I want to be in contact with them because I am scared my mum is doing the same she's done to me, I wanna be there to support them. 

With all that happened, most days I feel guilty, some other days I accept that it's just my reality, I get a bit of support from the rest of my family, as my mum doesn't speak to my grandma, auntie, uncles, basically no one else in the family, they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong, I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world, I feel like I am selfish and ungrateful like she always used to say. 

If you have experienced this, how do you cope? 

Thank you do much for the attention and support, you have been lovely to me

Parents

  • I think there is still a lot of stigma around any mental health issue for most peope and this is what you are seeing from your family. 

    They don't know how to react, they probably feel wary in case you turn out to be a bit crazy (this reflects their lack of awareness), they are probably on the spectrum themselves so don't have good social skills (since autism is highy hereditary) and people are just people so you need to realise they are quite capable of being flawed.

    What I would do in your position is start to build on your relationship with the family who are shunning you - keep the conversation going but remember not to make it about you. Ask them how they are doing, take an interest in their lives, hobbies, family etc and be interested in them.

    Autists have a bad habit of being self centric so we talk about us and not ask about others. This is seen as selfish by the uninformed but it reflects out world view typically so if helps to analise our behaviour and see where we can improve in our interactions.

    Expect some relationships to never improve, but keep the effort up anyway if you want there to ever be a chance of getting a healthier balance.

    Bellathewhiterabbit said:
    her reply was "you have to understand I am not your mate, I am your mother"

    It sounds like you may have been oversharing and embarrased her in some way. When you have a better situation with her, ask about this and ask if you offended her or caused embarrasment - listen to the response carefully and do not get defensive and you may find the cause of the issue.

    The sibling who is not talking to you may be closer to your mum and is taking her side in this, seeing you as the villan. If you can salvage the relationship with your mum then this could go a long way to improving the relationship with him too.

    Just keep in mind it isn't something to be fixed but rather rebuilt slowly to regain that lost trust.

    It sounds like you have autism running in the family so I would expect all sorts of dysfunctions to be found there. Sometimes it is better to accept it as what it is and learn to live with what you have. Make the most of the good parts, nurturing them with some effort and keep an olive branch extended to the others who are keeping their distance.

    Families can be complicated things but don't let them define you.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for taking the time to respond, I can see that you meant to help, and I appreciate that.

    I just want to share that some parts of your message were a bit painful for me to read. I’ve already spent a long time feeling blamed for things that weren’t my fault, especially when it comes to how my mum reacts to me. I didn’t overshare to embarrass her I was reaching out for connection while I was burned out and struggling, I thought it was what she wanted, she asked me for connection. 

    I understand families are complicated, and I’ve tried really hard to repair things in the past. But I reached a point where continuing to try was only hurting me more. Right now, I’m focusing on healing and feeling safe again, not on fixing relationships that make me feel unsafe. Relationships that have never existed in the first place, just a bit more of context, my dad raised me (he is autistic as well), until they got divorced and I had to live with my mum because it was what she wanted and my dad wouldn't be able to provide to me by himself at the time, my mum never wanted to have a girl, she told me that several times, she used to get physical with me when I was little and my dad wasn't able to stop it anymore.

    I do appreciate your perspective, even if I see it differently. I just wanted to clarify that my goal in sharing here was to find understanding and gentle support, not to be judged for my life choices.

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for taking the time to respond, I can see that you meant to help, and I appreciate that.

    I just want to share that some parts of your message were a bit painful for me to read. I’ve already spent a long time feeling blamed for things that weren’t my fault, especially when it comes to how my mum reacts to me. I didn’t overshare to embarrass her I was reaching out for connection while I was burned out and struggling, I thought it was what she wanted, she asked me for connection. 

    I understand families are complicated, and I’ve tried really hard to repair things in the past. But I reached a point where continuing to try was only hurting me more. Right now, I’m focusing on healing and feeling safe again, not on fixing relationships that make me feel unsafe. Relationships that have never existed in the first place, just a bit more of context, my dad raised me (he is autistic as well), until they got divorced and I had to live with my mum because it was what she wanted and my dad wouldn't be able to provide to me by himself at the time, my mum never wanted to have a girl, she told me that several times, she used to get physical with me when I was little and my dad wasn't able to stop it anymore.

    I do appreciate your perspective, even if I see it differently. I just wanted to clarify that my goal in sharing here was to find understanding and gentle support, not to be judged for my life choices.

Children
  • in reply to Bellathewhiterabbit

    I was reading this and thinking that it wasn't what you needed. It sounds like you are expected to bend over backwards to do whatever your mother expects of you, and it doesn't matter to her what you are going through. This is not a healthy relationship, and certainly not one you should have to work at. Time may heal the relationship with your siblings, right now I wouldn't try to force it, as it sounds like it might be interpreted wrong anyway. Just keep letting them be a silent member of your group conversation and give them space. You are always there then when they decide to reply.

    I don't think it's up to you to rebuild the relationship, rather on them to not have crazy expectations of you. It's toxic if you are an adult and your mother still demands obedience and deference. And your explanation of your childhood confirms this dynamic. 

    Be strong, allow time to play out and tempers to cool, and see how things look then. In the mean time, look after yourself, as it sounds like you really need this most of all!