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Going no contact with a parent

Bellathewhiterabbit

I have spoken to some of you about it and we share the same experience but going no contact is new to me, I didn't want to cut off my mum, but it all started with a burn out, I was living in another country and I was tying to keep a good relationship with my mum, texting her about the new things I discovered, giving her updates, basically trying to have a normal relationship. But then I got a job that was too overwhelming to me, I was on a "personal" break which I had the right to, and my boss said "what the f*ck are you doing? Get back to work now" and during that break I was asking my work mates about how to get psychological support. I spent one month without actively texting anyone, that takes a lot of energy from me, but I would reply to the messages I had. One day my mum texted me, she was clearly mad at me for not texting for a bit less than a month (that is usual of me) I explained gently that I was having a burn out, dealing with bullying at work and I wasn't able to message anyone, her reply was "you have to understand I am not your mate, I am your mother" and she didn't text me ever since, if I try to talk to her she will only reply with short answers, not trying to have a conversation at all. We did have a short break in between, but she basically blamed my partner (who she never met) for my "change of behaviour" or she brings up bad things I did when I was a kid and shame me for it. I couldn't cope, I stopped trying it's been 4 months now, but I have two little brothers and one of them is not talking to me, we have a group chat and only one of them (he is also autistic) is replying, the other one reads the messages and ignores it all, I want to be in contact with them because I am scared my mum is doing the same she's done to me, I wanna be there to support them. 

With all that happened, most days I feel guilty, some other days I accept that it's just my reality, I get a bit of support from the rest of my family, as my mum doesn't speak to my grandma, auntie, uncles, basically no one else in the family, they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong, I feel like I am the worst daughter in the world, I feel like I am selfish and ungrateful like she always used to say. 

If you have experienced this, how do you cope? 

Thank you do much for the attention and support, you have been lovely to me

Parents
  • Bellathewhiterabbit said:
    they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong

    I think that the number of people and who they are and what they know might be telling here for the balance of evidence as what's going on?

    Yup experienced this.

    How would I cope?  Well...

    While other people can influence how you feel you can choose to accept or reject it.  Not saying it's easy - especially when it is someone that one loves and has had to rely and depend upon especially when one's own personal mental and emotional strengths feel at a low ebb.

    You can choose to accept or reject how their emotions make you feel, and your own mindset and motivations play a key role in how much you are influenced by others.

    Exercising a mindset and motivation in different areas can maybe a make it a transferable skill into ones where it has not previously been applied.    Including how we feel about ourselves.  Pop a bit of change in the collection box near a till - you're not selfish...  Thank someone for the care they've taken to give you space to move - you're not ungrateful...  there's proof :-)

    On the BBC website today I picked up a bit of advice to say "I don't" rather than "I can't" - if we say "I can't" it leaves the way open to arguing that one can learn to or to develop the ability.  "I don't" is not so easy to argue with...

    Swap "I couldn't cope" to "I don't cope" in your post.  Oh and add nobody else would reasonably be expected to do so either in the circumstances described...

    Someone the other day was going on to me and a group about the need for people to be more resilient -  I told them how much I disliked that expression as people "not being resilient enough" is an excuse for bullies and tyrants to carry on behaving as they do.

    I hope that you still feel I've been lovely to you even tho' I am supporting your family in suggesting that you consider further to  do something that feels wrong.

    Maybe it feels "wrong" because it is not what you would normally do.  Maybe doing something different to normal would increase the chance of a different outcome that might be better for all concerned?

    Best Wishes :-)

Reply
  • Bellathewhiterabbit said:
    they all tell me to let her be, but it feels wrong

    I think that the number of people and who they are and what they know might be telling here for the balance of evidence as what's going on?

    Yup experienced this.

    How would I cope?  Well...

    While other people can influence how you feel you can choose to accept or reject it.  Not saying it's easy - especially when it is someone that one loves and has had to rely and depend upon especially when one's own personal mental and emotional strengths feel at a low ebb.

    You can choose to accept or reject how their emotions make you feel, and your own mindset and motivations play a key role in how much you are influenced by others.

    Exercising a mindset and motivation in different areas can maybe a make it a transferable skill into ones where it has not previously been applied.    Including how we feel about ourselves.  Pop a bit of change in the collection box near a till - you're not selfish...  Thank someone for the care they've taken to give you space to move - you're not ungrateful...  there's proof :-)

    On the BBC website today I picked up a bit of advice to say "I don't" rather than "I can't" - if we say "I can't" it leaves the way open to arguing that one can learn to or to develop the ability.  "I don't" is not so easy to argue with...

    Swap "I couldn't cope" to "I don't cope" in your post.  Oh and add nobody else would reasonably be expected to do so either in the circumstances described...

    Someone the other day was going on to me and a group about the need for people to be more resilient -  I told them how much I disliked that expression as people "not being resilient enough" is an excuse for bullies and tyrants to carry on behaving as they do.

    I hope that you still feel I've been lovely to you even tho' I am supporting your family in suggesting that you consider further to  do something that feels wrong.

    Maybe it feels "wrong" because it is not what you would normally do.  Maybe doing something different to normal would increase the chance of a different outcome that might be better for all concerned?

    Best Wishes :-)

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