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Meltdowns in public

Mountain_star1.

My young adult son had a very bad meltdown in public. He verbally assaulted someone and banged on the car and caused trouble in the street. He doesn't like the person he shouted at and, unfortunately, he came across them in the local area. They have reported him to the police. He is now very angry and wants justice. He says they swore at him and threatened him. He is telling lies to me and crying and incredibly anxious now. Waiting for the fall out next week. A social worker is now involved. We've tried various therapies and medications but to no avail. Will he always have this mindset? He always thinks he's been bullied by others and has to get justice.

  • Sorry to hear this and I hope you can figure out a way to help your son. When I was a young adult I used to be scared of getting bullied again like I was at school. So I wouldn't go to certain places where I could bump into people I didn't like. If these people bullied him before then the trauma will have built up inside and exploded, the anger and numbness. I would say understand this anger need for justice is coming from a place of fear and sadness, not from a violent place. I used to carry stones and knives around to protect myself with if people bullied me. 

    I was actually harassed while walking a few months ago, and I dealt with it very well. Just kept walking, didn't engage with what they were trying to do, I stayed calm even though inside I was terrified. I then walked back to my flat and contacted the police right away. I live independently from my parents now, which has helped me a lot. As I used to get angry and upset at my mother when bad things would happen to not deal with issues myself. What he is showing you is the angry/justice, what you could try and get him to emotionally is the sadness and fear, to release it, and love him so he feels it. I play wheelchair rugby, I have a personal trainer, I talk to my grandma, I have a cognitive therapist and Spiritual mentor who is also neuro-divergent so I have built a support network separate from my parents. But its expensive to do and it takes years to built it up. 

    If he can resolve issues within his internal mind, the need to defend himself with anger and justice will diminish. 

  • Mountain_star1. said:
    He verbally assaulted someone and banged on the car and caused trouble in the street. He doesn't like the person he shouted at and, unfortunately, he came across them in the local area. They have reported him to the police.

    I think it would help to run through the situation with him and ask if he broke any of the rules of law in what he did here. 

    The reason for this is that many autists have a very black and white sense of justice and rule following and while he may have got tunnel vision over the person he things wronged him, he needs to be able to see that his response has effectively made him a bigger villan.

    He will probably need time to process and absorb this but it will be a useful life lesson of FAFO or consequences.

    Mountain_star1. said:
    He always thinks he's been bullied by others and has to get justice.

    In your shoes I would start asking what we should do with his stuff when he goes to prison for breaking the law. Start with his most precious possessions - ask if they should be given to the other party as compensation, get burned or thrown in the trash.

    These consequences can be shocking enough to make him reconsider.

    A part of this is that the brain only starts to develop its natural consequences associations in the 20s now, and the autistic brain is a bit different to others so he may not make these associations without having to conciously rationalise them whereas others have them naturally.

    What is done is done, but you can help him learn and grow as a result.

    If he shows no sign of changing then a therapist may be the lever to move that immovable object and get him thinking, especially as they won't have the casual contempt that many kids show towards their parents in the teenage years and there is more of a chance of being taken seriously.

    Good luck.

  • Since he is clearly concerned about the consequences maybe something good will come of it. It is the potential consequences that stay your hand, you can have the thoughts you just don't act on them.

    He will remember this and it may encourage him to walk away in future.

    You save more face by being calm and measured than by shouting or getting physical. It's not an easy lesson to learn, especially when you are sure you are right. But it is also important to save your energy for what really matters.

    Hopefully he will be able to reflect on it afterwards and learn something from it. The important thing will be honesty so that a truthful narrative can be constructed and the right lessons learned.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear about your son's situation.

    You - and he - might find the advice here helpful:

    NAS - Behaviour - includes advice about how autism can affect our behaviour, and strategies that might help, including in respect of meltdowns, anger management, and distressed behaviour (the latter can include targeting individuals due to personality clashes).

    NAS - Anxiety

    NAS - Criminal justice

    As an autistic person, your son has the right to be accompanied by an Appropriate Adult when being interviewed by the police. This can be you or another family member, for example.

    This is explained in the second resource above, via the "Police officers and professionals tab", and also here: Autism: a guide for police officers and staff.