Feeling tired because I navigate both myself (AuDHD) and my autistic partner through all of the emotional and communication challenges we face by myself...

Hi Lotus, apologies I've been offline... Here's some cool news - he's finally acknowledged that my feelings were hurt and that he caused some of that hurt, I've also acknowledged my feelings and where they've come from. For the first time in a little bit he's been receptive.

Also, we put an offer on a property and it was accepted. His behaviours and mine have both improved because we know we have a way out now from the unsafety we're both feeling here - than you for taking the time to reply and offer some insight. It's very grounded advice and that's exactly what I needed help in doing. Grounding. 

P.s. the little town just north of where the property is has such a cool bush hippy vibe - people didn't stare (I'm much darker than my partner) and if they did it was just to catch my eye and say hello with giant smiles. Beats the town we're in now where a woman wouldn't even touch the product she dropped off the shelf in a shop after I had picked it up and handed it back to her... It's been a massive learning curve here but I'm thankful for this space, my PhD keeping me busy and my family and friends. It helps heaps to have people who manifest their own self-happiness :-)

We've also been religiously watching Stargate! That's been some nice scheduled time together as well as my neighbour dragging me out and taking me to water aerobics... Movement has helped heaps too.

Thank you again ️

Hi and welcome to the community. Me (F) and my partner (M) are both in our 60s, both undiagnosed ND, have been together over 40 years and have experienced a lot of challenges during our lives. Of course we're all different, but I'll try giving my perspective on your situation.

In terms of your home, it seems that you are not living somewhere that you are comfortable with and this will be unsettling you both, and as you said it's making your partner feel guilty. So if I was you I'd prioritise finding a house to buy somewhere that you'll both be happy. Do as much research as possible to find out about areas before viewing properties - this will give you a project to distract from the stress a bit.

You also seem to be feeling insecure due to this student who is constantly contacting your partner, which I completely understand. If I was you I would suggest to him that you have some time each evening where you ignore phones (Put them on silent apart from any close family or friends who might need to contact you in an emergency) and spend time talking about your plans to buy a house and chilling out together watching TV/movies.

I wish you well.

He's going to have burnout. He is taking everything too seriously. He's not a social worker, nor does he need to offer realtime support for adults. Professional counsellors and therapists don't. Social media also sucks you in, but you have to be wise about how you use it and limit the time and emotional toll.

He's defensive because he is stressed, so criticism feels disproportionate and very personal.

Is he committing to extra events because he wants to, or because he can't say no. Avoiding conflict and letting people down is a problem. Stubbornness and being overly independent is also a symptom.of something else.

He may also be looking for validation because he is insecure. This will be hard to acknowledge if it is true.

Since you are talking it should be ok. But make sure you really talk. Try not to sweep things under the carpet.

Hi Stuart333 - it's really nice to have a response coming from the worldview of a man... I've found yours really interesting and very helpful to consider the external factors that are pressuring our bubble. Especially the "bleeding teacher heart" as he often refers to it - it's been a learning curve for him having someone who provides input and keeps him socially accountable to an extent so as to not over commit himself to his work, extra curricular events and to people who seem to just leech him because he provides that support and guidance... What they don't have to live with is a man who is a shell of himself after giving everyone else everything he has.

The spot we're living in right now has significantly impacted my health, we're looking at doing a compassionate transfer to another region (thank goodness). 

And I agree with the over defensiveness, he said something to me a while ago when I asked why he doesn't apologize for the emotional hurt (if it's accidentally physical like stepping on my toe or bumping into me he says sorry immediately) he explained that to him that means he has to apologize for who he is as a person... Which I don't understand fully but I don't push the topic, I've told him that as long as his behavior keeps changing and adapting post issue talks for the better than I see a change of actions as his wanting to do better and commitment to us. Still, I do find it extreme because I'm wired so much more differently. 

Thank you again for your time and insight, it's very appreciated :-)

I think you're right that he needs some professional boundaries. He is not responsible for former students. He can communicate with them but the pressure may also get to him. He may feel he needs to help them. 

Communication in writing is also rewarding as long as it does not come between you.

You may be feeling insecure because you don't like where you're living, but you will hopefully move soon. Emotions are hard.

Don't always apologise or avoid problems. It doesn't work in the long run. It's not easy, but it's necessary if you want to last.

His lack of apologising seems an issue to me. Assuming there is something to apologise for. It is probably due to being overly defensive.

If you want more touch, say something. He won't pick up on hints.

Hi Kautsky99, your level headed comment has helped ease my brains pacing a bit. Thank you for taking the time to read through and give my situation some solid critical thought (and so gently delivered too). 

It's so appreciated. 

As the day has gone on we've snacked together, had a quick debrief about our tension last night and watched some SG1 to make the silence a little less awkward.

One really happy sign is he's showing me videos on his phone again and had told me this morning in bed he had knocked his phone off the night stand and couldn't be bothered to grab it. Giving the benefit of the doubt despite my heightened state has already paid off and today has been nice reconnecting. 

I'm just going to trust my gut, give some more thought before action and keep strengthening up my own self-soothing mechanisms.

Thank you again so much, I have taken your advice on board and will put it into practice because it is some very solid people navigating thoughts that you've shared :-)

Ignore this advice if it is not good enough for your complex situation. To me, it might make sense to prioritise. Your terrible bad luck to experience the combination of racism and poor mental health means that you must take things as easily as humanly possible. Try to avoid criticism of yourself or others. Being secretive with his phone does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you. If he is using his privacy more than normal you don't want to pressure him in a way that makes it more likely that he will do things detrimental to your relationship. Remember that relationships with other neurodivergent people are difficult because we are neurodivergent differently. It is particularly the case that some of us understand reciprocity better than others due to the way we are set up. In other words, try to panic about the situation a tiny bit less and expect a little bit less from him- if he is given a tiny bit less overt or implicit criticism he may gradually behave better as he starts to understand how lucky he is to have such a thoughtful person in his life. Of course, like any strategy this idea might not work. It might be impossible to carry it out if you feel too triggered by his avoidance of compromise. But at this stage, I think a refusal to make the situation more dramatic is at least worthy of consideration.