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Feeling tired because I navigate both myself (AuDHD) and my autistic partner through all of the emotional and communication challenges we face by myself...

NAS90876

Has anybody else faced this difficulty and come out of the other side with your partner and yourself still fully intact?! I feel like I am going insane...

My partner (39m) and myself (26f) are both "high functioning" neurodivergent adults - I've received a formal diagnosis and my partner has been identified as a high functioning autistic man but never went through to the formal diagnosis stage. The expense and relative in safety he experienced with clinical psychologists heavily informed his decision. 

We've had a tough run recently: 

- we moved to a rural regional town where the people are stale and carry a constant feeling of defeat with them,

- my mental health has plummeted due to experiencing racism, and,

- my partner is seeing this play out and blames himself heavily for bringing me here,

- we are looking to buy a house together and just did a three-day roadtrip to view it together.

That's just some context for you all reading and taking the time to help me out (thank you in advance!).

My partner is a teacher and stays in close touch with some of his ex-students, one in particular discusses things with him that I believe she should be seeing a professional about or disclosing that level of emotional distress about her ex and their toxic relationship to her girlfriends - she's my age, has a degree and doesn't really share anything in common with my partner unlike other former students who are studying to become a teacher in the same field as him or pursuing a creative career and they need advice and support from him.

We both have a history of being cheated on and manipulated because of our neurodivergence. I have brought the uncomfortability I have with this one former student contacting him with things that I feel are inappropriate and the contact was at times late at night (I seen the message pop through when he was sharing his screen with me to show my a Mood Deng video) up maybe four times before, be still hasn't put in boundaries or respects my uncomfortabilities with how strange I find their association to be.

I'm irked by how comfortable she seems to feel in contacting him about everything and at anytime. 

Last night her profile popped up on his Facebook when he went to share a post with me - I asked a very simple question, no names were used and no gender was used and the question was "when you click share do you find that the friends you share posts with are pretty randomised?". His whole body tensed and he knew who I was talking about but proceeded to prod as to why I would ask and what prompted me. I then told him truthfully that I've noticed a pattern of this same person constantly popping up on his timeline and share lists as a high ranking person, I wished to know why.

Everytime I bring up an uncomfortability I have, I end up being the one to apologise, literally beg for his understanding and forgiveness and comfort him while he shuts down, makes really ride remarks, can be quite snarky and unfairly tells me that I am like everyone else who essentially has taken advantage of him and is making him to be the problem. 

Never once have I believe that I have accused him or made him out to be the problematic one in our relationship - I am all for growth and reflective work. I have always apologised for my wrong doings and mistakes, he hasn't in the nearly 3 years we've been together and not once has he ever reached out to provide any comfort whatsoever in the way of touch or reassurance. 

We did a love language test early on, he knows me well enough but when times get emotionally straining he changes into an entirely different person who I feel like I'm needing to Mother because he refuses to compromise and do better as a partner.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and time :-)

Parents

  • I think you're right that he needs some professional boundaries. He is not responsible for former students. He can communicate with them but the pressure may also get to him. He may feel he needs to help them. 

    Communication in writing is also rewarding as long as it does not come between you.

    You may be feeling insecure because you don't like where you're living, but you will hopefully move soon. Emotions are hard.

    Don't always apologise or avoid problems. It doesn't work in the long run. It's not easy, but it's necessary if you want to last.

    His lack of apologising seems an issue to me. Assuming there is something to apologise for. It is probably due to being overly defensive.

    If you want more touch, say something. He won't pick up on hints.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi Stuart333 - it's really nice to have a response coming from the worldview of a man... I've found yours really interesting and very helpful to consider the external factors that are pressuring our bubble. Especially the "bleeding teacher heart" as he often refers to it - it's been a learning curve for him having someone who provides input and keeps him socially accountable to an extent so as to not over commit himself to his work, extra curricular events and to people who seem to just leech him because he provides that support and guidance... What they don't have to live with is a man who is a shell of himself after giving everyone else everything he has.

    The spot we're living in right now has significantly impacted my health, we're looking at doing a compassionate transfer to another region (thank goodness). 

    And I agree with the over defensiveness, he said something to me a while ago when I asked why he doesn't apologize for the emotional hurt (if it's accidentally physical like stepping on my toe or bumping into me he says sorry immediately) he explained that to him that means he has to apologize for who he is as a person... Which I don't understand fully but I don't push the topic, I've told him that as long as his behavior keeps changing and adapting post issue talks for the better than I see a change of actions as his wanting to do better and commitment to us. Still, I do find it extreme because I'm wired so much more differently. 

    Thank you again for your time and insight, it's very appreciated :-)

  • in reply to NAS90876

    He's going to have burnout. He is taking everything too seriously. He's not a social worker, nor does he need to offer realtime support for adults. Professional counsellors and therapists don't. Social media also sucks you in, but you have to be wise about how you use it and limit the time and emotional toll.

    He's defensive because he is stressed, so criticism feels disproportionate and very personal.

    Is he committing to extra events because he wants to, or because he can't say no. Avoiding conflict and letting people down is a problem. Stubbornness and being overly independent is also a symptom.of something else.

    He may also be looking for validation because he is insecure. This will be hard to acknowledge if it is true.

    Since you are talking it should be ok. But make sure you really talk. Try not to sweep things under the carpet.

Reply
  • in reply to NAS90876

    He's going to have burnout. He is taking everything too seriously. He's not a social worker, nor does he need to offer realtime support for adults. Professional counsellors and therapists don't. Social media also sucks you in, but you have to be wise about how you use it and limit the time and emotional toll.

    He's defensive because he is stressed, so criticism feels disproportionate and very personal.

    Is he committing to extra events because he wants to, or because he can't say no. Avoiding conflict and letting people down is a problem. Stubbornness and being overly independent is also a symptom.of something else.

    He may also be looking for validation because he is insecure. This will be hard to acknowledge if it is true.

    Since you are talking it should be ok. But make sure you really talk. Try not to sweep things under the carpet.

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