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Feeling tired because I navigate both myself (AuDHD) and my autistic partner through all of the emotional and communication challenges we face by myself...

NAS90876

Has anybody else faced this difficulty and come out of the other side with your partner and yourself still fully intact?! I feel like I am going insane...

My partner (39m) and myself (26f) are both "high functioning" neurodivergent adults - I've received a formal diagnosis and my partner has been identified as a high functioning autistic man but never went through to the formal diagnosis stage. The expense and relative in safety he experienced with clinical psychologists heavily informed his decision. 

We've had a tough run recently: 

- we moved to a rural regional town where the people are stale and carry a constant feeling of defeat with them,

- my mental health has plummeted due to experiencing racism, and,

- my partner is seeing this play out and blames himself heavily for bringing me here,

- we are looking to buy a house together and just did a three-day roadtrip to view it together.

That's just some context for you all reading and taking the time to help me out (thank you in advance!).

My partner is a teacher and stays in close touch with some of his ex-students, one in particular discusses things with him that I believe she should be seeing a professional about or disclosing that level of emotional distress about her ex and their toxic relationship to her girlfriends - she's my age, has a degree and doesn't really share anything in common with my partner unlike other former students who are studying to become a teacher in the same field as him or pursuing a creative career and they need advice and support from him.

We both have a history of being cheated on and manipulated because of our neurodivergence. I have brought the uncomfortability I have with this one former student contacting him with things that I feel are inappropriate and the contact was at times late at night (I seen the message pop through when he was sharing his screen with me to show my a Mood Deng video) up maybe four times before, be still hasn't put in boundaries or respects my uncomfortabilities with how strange I find their association to be.

I'm irked by how comfortable she seems to feel in contacting him about everything and at anytime. 

Last night her profile popped up on his Facebook when he went to share a post with me - I asked a very simple question, no names were used and no gender was used and the question was "when you click share do you find that the friends you share posts with are pretty randomised?". His whole body tensed and he knew who I was talking about but proceeded to prod as to why I would ask and what prompted me. I then told him truthfully that I've noticed a pattern of this same person constantly popping up on his timeline and share lists as a high ranking person, I wished to know why.

Everytime I bring up an uncomfortability I have, I end up being the one to apologise, literally beg for his understanding and forgiveness and comfort him while he shuts down, makes really ride remarks, can be quite snarky and unfairly tells me that I am like everyone else who essentially has taken advantage of him and is making him to be the problem. 

Never once have I believe that I have accused him or made him out to be the problematic one in our relationship - I am all for growth and reflective work. I have always apologised for my wrong doings and mistakes, he hasn't in the nearly 3 years we've been together and not once has he ever reached out to provide any comfort whatsoever in the way of touch or reassurance. 

We did a love language test early on, he knows me well enough but when times get emotionally straining he changes into an entirely different person who I feel like I'm needing to Mother because he refuses to compromise and do better as a partner.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and time :-)

Parents

  • Ignore this advice if it is not good enough for your complex situation. To me, it might make sense to prioritise. Your terrible bad luck to experience the combination of racism and poor mental health means that you must take things as easily as humanly possible. Try to avoid criticism of yourself or others. Being secretive with his phone does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you. If he is using his privacy more than normal you don't want to pressure him in a way that makes it more likely that he will do things detrimental to your relationship. Remember that relationships with other neurodivergent people are difficult because we are neurodivergent differently. It is particularly the case that some of us understand reciprocity better than others due to the way we are set up. In other words, try to panic about the situation a tiny bit less and expect a little bit less from him- if he is given a tiny bit less overt or implicit criticism he may gradually behave better as he starts to understand how lucky he is to have such a thoughtful person in his life. Of course, like any strategy this idea might not work. It might be impossible to carry it out if you feel too triggered by his avoidance of compromise. But at this stage, I think a refusal to make the situation more dramatic is at least worthy of consideration.

Reply

  • Ignore this advice if it is not good enough for your complex situation. To me, it might make sense to prioritise. Your terrible bad luck to experience the combination of racism and poor mental health means that you must take things as easily as humanly possible. Try to avoid criticism of yourself or others. Being secretive with his phone does not necessarily mean he is cheating on you. If he is using his privacy more than normal you don't want to pressure him in a way that makes it more likely that he will do things detrimental to your relationship. Remember that relationships with other neurodivergent people are difficult because we are neurodivergent differently. It is particularly the case that some of us understand reciprocity better than others due to the way we are set up. In other words, try to panic about the situation a tiny bit less and expect a little bit less from him- if he is given a tiny bit less overt or implicit criticism he may gradually behave better as he starts to understand how lucky he is to have such a thoughtful person in his life. Of course, like any strategy this idea might not work. It might be impossible to carry it out if you feel too triggered by his avoidance of compromise. But at this stage, I think a refusal to make the situation more dramatic is at least worthy of consideration.

Children
  • in reply to Kautsky99

    Hi Kautsky99, your level headed comment has helped ease my brains pacing a bit. Thank you for taking the time to read through and give my situation some solid critical thought (and so gently delivered too). 

    It's so appreciated. 

    As the day has gone on we've snacked together, had a quick debrief about our tension last night and watched some SG1 to make the silence a little less awkward.

    One really happy sign is he's showing me videos on his phone again and had told me this morning in bed he had knocked his phone off the night stand and couldn't be bothered to grab it. Giving the benefit of the doubt despite my heightened state has already paid off and today has been nice reconnecting. 

    I'm just going to trust my gut, give some more thought before action and keep strengthening up my own self-soothing mechanisms.

    Thank you again so much, I have taken your advice on board and will put it into practice because it is some very solid people navigating thoughts that you've shared :-)