I got the “you’re welcome” today

I agree. In the 2 years since my arrival into the 'lateling' world this has been my experience.

I think you're probably right.

That's a new viewpoint for me and a more positive one.

Maybe if everybody felt tings as keenly as we ND's do, then the world would be a much nicer and more considerate place?

Maybe it's not us who have the problem, it's the NT's who in thier arrogance think the world should conform to them and thier wishes?

Maybe it's NT selfishness and short sighteness that leaves so many of us and them questioning our right to exist?

I had this conversation with my son recently while we were out on a walk. 

I mentioned I feel like I have to acknowledge everyone who passes. Which I find difficult.

My son lives in Norway and they don't have any of these issues. They are very reserved in public and they have an almost unspoken respect for leaving people alone.

Perfect!!

Probably why I never want to come home when I visit.

Oh yeah, I feel exactly like this.

I've never known why? 

Maybe sensitivity/autism?

Or a combination of both.

I have this awkward moment sometimes where I have to make sure someone is looking at me before I wave and do the awkward smile of acknowledgment. To me it feels like I’m just staring for eternity maybe more than is normally considered comfortable before I can be sure it’s time to react to them. I think I’m judging whether I can just get away without being seen but if they see me then it’s too late so to not wave or say hello would be rude or odd to them.

Unknown said:

Do autistic individuals get hurt more than others at these events? And why?

A lot of reasons I’d say, we probably struggle to let go of ideas and end up ruminating over any given scenario we feel could have gone better. Add in anxiety and or social anxiety and it’s the perfect mix for doubt. I often find myself wondering how I came across during a conversation and does what I say leave a good impression, did they think badly of me but didn’t say so? Did I miss an expectation is another one. It’s really difficult to build up that wall and protect yourself on a bad day. 

Sometimes I get some strong reaction from people on the street, very usually it stays in my mind forever. I can probably list dozens of them, they hurt.

I'm not sure what else to say, I guess there are many reasons why people react in strong ways, and I guess we sometimes do it as well.

I am unsure whether we get more fixated, but it seems the case for me. Rationally understanding the event does help some, but not so much. Personally, I feel overwhelmed by possible interpretations, and get sad.

It is also hard to introspect what actually happens internally.

Do autistic individuals get hurt more than others at these events? And why?

I feel like I'm growing the snowball here, so apologises if it is so.

I get paranoid when I'm out walking. If someone is approaching, I watch their eyes to see if they look in my direction. If they do, I'll nod and/or say hello. If not, we are ships passing in the night.

I hate it when I forget to do this and someone says hello just as they come level with me. Then, even if I react quickly, I'll be talking/stuttering to their receding back. I feel like I've let everyone down! (Like that inflatable boy. )

This is why I find the simple act of going for a walk to be mentally tiring at times. This, and making sure I'm walking on the correct line, keeping the correct space around me, not getting in anyone's way, avoiding dog poop, etc.

I'm guessing NTs don't overthink the whole process like that, or even consider it a "process".

Can’t be as bad as my mum, she used to go up to people who looked like someone she knew and start talking to them. This happened on many occasion and was slightly embarrassing. 

These days I don't know if a voice nearby is addressing me. Several times I have thought someone was speaking to me and then realized they were talking on the phone.

Well this woman sounded like a rude so and so, it’s easier said than done but tell her to take a long walk off a short pier, we don’t need room for nastiness. It’s different if someone like holds a door for you and you ignore them. But she sounded like she wanted to cause a scene 

I've had this sort of thing before too and it feels hurtful and confusing. I had a similar thing with a woman a couple of months ago when she said hello to me and I didn't hear her, then she said very loudly 'How rude', I asked her if she was talking to me and she was and said that she'd said hello and I'd ignoed her, she didn't seem to accept that I genuinely hadn't heard her and was off in a world of my own, which she also found rude. You just can't win with some people, I was in a little world of my own, which excluded her and she couldn't deal with not being the centre of everyones universe, I suspect the  woman you encountered was the same.

This is giving me an awful internal shudder. I can actually feel what I've felt when this has happened to me. It scares me actually because I'm sensitive it feels like an act of aggression.

I would have just moved on without a word, like you. Not everyone is switched on all the time, they have other stuff on their mind. It's impossible to acknowledge every good deed.

People are strange.

Iain said:

Looking at it from outside the situation why were you angry about it? Was it because you caused offence (unintentionally) through lack of care, because you were caught unexpectedly or because you objected to the chastisement? Could demand avoidance be part of it?

Thinking about it I think it’s because some people like to magic up drama out of thin air. She doesn’t know the type of response she may get back but obviously felt emotionally rattled enough to give one. Her behaviour was provocative in my opinion. I lack insight into why such a thing may bother someone so much, if I were in her shoes I’d just move on but because she reacted the way she did I made sure not to say a single word. 

Autismman said:

Did she not think for one second “he didn’t see me?”.

I've discussed this sort of thing with NTs before and they said it was because I was being rude by not noticing them - which in your case seems to apply. 

You probably invaded her personal space to a level she felt the need to chastise you for your lack of attention. In the post-covid world some people are really protective of this space.

Looking at it from outside the situation why were you angry about it? Was it because you caused offence (unintentionally) through lack of care, because you were caught unexpectedly or because you objected to the chastisement? Could demand avoidance be part of it?

Autismman said:

This isn’t the first time I’ve come across this aggression aimed at me for not knowing someone had moved out the way for me

Oddly enough I find my autism tends to help me spot these more readily than those around me - the ability to take in so much info from my environment and look for things that are out of place makes these more obvious and I can give small acknowledgements to those being courteous which seems to make them happy.

None of this is judgement by the way, I'm trying to look at it dispassionately to help see the mechanics involved to see if your response is worth reconsidering in future.

If I am the person doing the favour, I do like being thanked. However, if the person who might have done the thanking looks like they need a break, I don't sweat it. Doing them the favour is its own reward. It's more when someone who seems like they're swanning about and feeling entitled to everyone else making room for them that I get the hump.

Take a stoic leaf out of Marcus Aurelius' book: know that the world is not short of a— h—s. Put that person in that category. You will meet those people every day. Expect it in advance, and let it go when it happens, as it inevitably will. That's been working for me.

I don’t like the confrontation of it, I wouldn’t purposely be rude to some random in a shop. Perhaps she thought I was rude so she was rude back but two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s really difficult enough already to know exactly what people expect from you at any given point so perhaps you can’t please everyone!

Oh I hate that! Why do people think they deserve thanks just for doing the polite thing?

Sometimes when I've been walking with my husband we've had to move right to the edge of the pavement in single file or even step into the road, because two people coming the other way stayed walking side by side and wouldn't go single file, but I never made any comment about it!

and people say it is autistic people who are rude!